Tag: #growth

At Your Own Pace

A lot of times people feel compelled to “keep up with the Jones’s” or to “keep up appearances” instead of living in their truth. I’m here to tell you, that dream house, car, job and relationship will all be there when you are ready and when it is your time.

Don’t create unnecessary stress in your life by trying to keep up with others. Most of the time, those same people who appear to have it all together are not living in their truth and struggling in the shadows.

Nowadays people’s perception of life and living comes solely from what they see on social media. But always remember that all that glitters ain’t gold.

Do you and do it at your own pace. Don’t worry about what others may think because what you eat, doesn’t make anyone else shit! Create your own happiness however you see fit. And leave all the other bullshit behind.

I’m human just like everyone else. I’ve had people that I thought were true friends shit on me because of a competition that they created in their mind. I’ve tried to build with people I thought were true only to be stabbed in the back and to have the rug pulled from under me. I’ve had so called friends sit and talk about me and what I have or the lack thereof. Sometimes those same people would turn around and mimic those very situations they felt the urge to speak on or attempt to purchase or do those very same things that I had that was “dumb, unnecessary or a waste of money” followed by an unrequested excuse as to why it’s a good idea now that they have it or did it.

I got married early. I had kids late. I didn’t take the traditional route of college. I had good credit, I’ve had bad credit. I’ve had a lot and I’ve lost a lot. I bought my own home in my 30s without the help of anyone. I found myself and loved me and my children enough to divorce in my 30s. I buried both my parents and I disowned family and friends due to mistreatment, deception, and disloyalty. I’m not perfect by any means but I’d say I’m a pretty solid chick and I will continue to be such by living life and doing things when and how I want. Not worrying about who else is doing it, who is watching and the thoughts of others.

We are all here on borrowed time. The worse thing anyone can do is to get in a rat race with anyone who isn’t destined to even meet you or beat you to the finish line. Chart your own path and be happy with the outcome.

Missing You

I woke up today with the feeling of just wanting to lay in bed, curled up on my heating pad and watching TV. Slipping in and out of naps while the kids run in and out of the bedroom.

I miss my Baby Love something serious today…I’m trying not to get in the habit of counting days or weeks in hopes that time will fly like it did before now. But this time of the year sucks. I repeat to myself that it won’t be like this always. And “It’s almost Friday!”

Sitting in the bed, I remember this time last year, we had a great weekend. This was the weekend he planned. He said, I always was the one to plan things for us to do, so he wanted to plan the weekend. I was game. It didn’t really matter to me honestly. Us being together whether we did a lot or nothing was fine with me. Foodies…one thing we do well is eat. Even though I am now vegetarian, we still manage to find the coolest and best places to grub.

That particular weekend was really sweet. And I sit and smile because I can’t wait to have more days like that for the rest of our lives. He truly planned the entire weekend. We had a schedule lol. Food, movies, food, indoor skydiving, food, and relax. The movie was great. The food all weekend was awesome but dinner at the family owned and operated restaurant outdoors was beautiful. If I close my eyes, I can picture that evening all over again. I think to myself, I love this man. He can do absolutely nothing and I’d love him just because he is himself.

This year is bittersweet because we are separated in distance but I hang on to the thought that in due time, we will be under one roof with plenty of time to do all the things we didn’t think we had time to do…Game Day Sunday with snacks and trash talking, people watching when we’re out and about and bored; making up stories about their lives and interactions, movie days in bed at home, playing with the kids, cooking together and for each other…the Nerf Gun War…the water gun fights…I see the sunshine peeking through the clouds but the rainbow is on the other side of the new year. And I cannot wait.

I miss your smile
And your joking ways,
I miss the sweet things 
You use to say,
Through daily mental memories
I do recall,
That's when I miss you
Most of all

Resorting to Audiobooks

Dry Ass Audiobooks???

I’ve never really been into audio books. I’m weird and I like the feel an actual book in my hands. I like to smell the pages as I flip through the book. I enjoy the coziness of curling up on my bed with my favorite blanket, lounging in a chair or in the hammock just to pass the time while reading. Today, something changed. Probably the want to quiet all the thoughts running through my head while I worked or the tune out The Cat in the Hat that my son is watching all morning. Either way I needed something in my ears to distract my mind. What to listen/read I thought to myself???

Alternative retail therapy…

If you haven’t noticed, I’m not above attempting to correct an issue in my life that I recognize is a problem. And I love my children to death. The last thing I want is “bad parent” on my life resume.

How to Stop Losing Your Sh*t with Your Kids

I have been lashing out at my kids mostly because I hate their Father. This is not an excuse by any means and none of what’s going on is their fault. I recognized that I have to do better. So today I restarted my audiobook journey. I’m going to stop losing my shit with my kids…and maybe then they will listen.

Signed : A Frustrated but Determined Single Parent

Phobia

Never do I feel compelled to write when I’m happy, only when I’m sad, hurting or angry…

It’s rare that I just sit…like just literally sit and do nothing.

I did that today. For once, I honestly wanted to talk to someone…but I don’t want to be a bother…and I don’t want to be interrupted…and I don’t want to be criticized…and I don’t want to be dismissed…I felt like I had too many stipulations for a conversation so I opted to just sit…

One question came to mind…

Why are you so nice?

EveryFuckingOne

This is such a loaded question. I’m sure most people could spit a response out quicker than I could blink. Me, however by the time the question is fully formed, I’ve ruined the conversation a million times in my head. And the only suitable response is “I don’t know.” This is the one response I dislike for my children to give me. I always explain to the them that they experience an emotion based on a thought or a feeling. And if you are feeling a certain type of way there is an emotion to describe why you feel this way. I give them examples…I am sad because you yelled. I am angry because I want to play. I am hurt because I fell down. I am happy because I have ice cream.

It was time to re-evaluate myself, my life and the circumstances that I’ve created…and so many thoughts flood my mind…dammit, didn’t we do this in Miami? UGHHHHHHHH

The world has been unkind for as long as I can remember. But my Mom always said we had to be the difference we want to see in the world.

It takes nothing to be kind right…shiiiiiiiit…it also takes thick skin, therapy, tequila, shrooms, weed and a few close friends.

Truth be told, I am nice to people mostly because I was raised to treat others how I want to be treated and not in response to how they treat me. This is a positive and negative personality trait to have. But just because I’m nice doesn’t mean I trust you 100%. I will give you enough rope to either hang yourself or show me that you’re loyal. Tests are not games, but merely a way of gauging how to handle a person. Given the damage on the exterior of my heart, I think I am allowed to perform such tests. And I wouldn’t oblige if someone tested me…

Acceptance

Opening up your heart to someone is the epitome of vulnerability. I haven’t done it a lot in life. But for every time that I have, I’ve lost that person. The most recent episode of life has put me in such a place that I am truly afraid of letting my guard down. I think I owe it to myself to be a little guarded to avoid getting into any more situations that will leave me “hurt”.

I can honestly say that I am afraid of getting hurt again. I don’t know that I will recover…

Past Life

Yesterday I took a break. Or I attempted to do so. I left my both phones and my laptop on the nightstand the entire day. I should have worked out but I really have just been in a real lazy type of mood. And I can tell physically because the weight I once lost, is creeping back up on me. I have to do better.

I go and take a stab at trying to organize this walk in closet again. I start with the top shelves this time. I realize I have way too many handbags and totes. This is ridiculous. I grab a trash bag to throw this shit away. Inside of one of the huge bags I find my journals from waaaaaaaaaaayyyy back when. Like high school up until right before I got married. I have narrated my life in journal form since I was about 8 or 9 years old. Then it was to cope with the sea of domestic violence that surrounded me and to give an only child an outlet to express herself. I remember my aunt bought my first diary. A little white patent leather journal with a lock. The leather where the lock use to reside was gone. I remember the day my Mom cut that bitch off to read my diary. She was angry as hell. My thoughts, my diary. Not in her house. That pushed me to write even more. From that point forward, I had to hide my then diary just like the kids do in movies (under my bed, in between books on my bookshelf, in my closet, etc.) I realized that I stopped writing when I got married. And I honestly never go back and read what I write. Until today…

I stared at all the journals debating whether or not to open one just to revisit the past. This could be a good thing or it could trigger a whole lot of bullshit. I sat in my closet floor contemplating what to do. One I remember and I know it’s the last journal I wrote in. I grab it. It was only from about 17 years ago. Here goes nothing…

I do some stupid shit sometimes…nothing compares to my past life though lol. I did a multitude of stupid things and dealt with a lot of stupid people. Life was different then. I think I sat here laughing, singing, crying and questioning myself for about 2 hours. The top shelf of the closet was empty but nothing was organized. Stick a pin in this task, it’s done for the day. There was so much emotion in things that I wrote and then I began to see a pattern.

And maybe that was the purpose of me reading these entries. To see that I create my own unhappiness by the situations I put myself in. And even at 37 I hadn’t quite learned my lesson in this area of my life. Am I going to make a change or keep putting myself through unnecessary pain?

I reach the end of this journal and I find a poem that I wrote. 

"True Love"

Together forever we shall stay,
Letting our love grow stronger, day by day.
Wishes made upon the stars in the sky,
Knowing this love will never die.

Hopes and dreams this love is for real,
Knowing what's going on, knowing how we feel.
Showing our love and showing we care,
No longer playing a silly game of truth or dare.

Being here for one another,
And showing love for only each other.
I'm going to be only your babygirl,
And this is because you have changed my world.

You have put trust in me like no one else will,
You loved me then and you love me still.
I believe in this world everyone has a soulmate,
I also believe we met not only through fate...

But we met because we are meant to be,
And that's what I'm trying to make you see.
You and I must work through this relationship together,
And when we go through the worst, we will make it better.

So from here on out it's just me and you,
And for that I love only you.

The poem didn’t even fit my life then. And I’m not sure who I was addressing. There’s no date and it’s literally at the end of the journal. It’s random. I read it over and over again. In faint ink next to the poem I see “Always Alone”.

I’ve always tried filling this void no matter the cost just because of the pain it causes. And in return, I always end up hurt. I sat and cried to no end. I owe it to myself to stop. I realize in this moment no one can take this pain away or fill this hole I have in my heart. Nobody but me. I have pain, disappointment and abandonment piled on top of anger. This just dusted off a bunch of shit I buried.

It’s time I sit and really deal with it…vacation request entered, calendar blocked, sitter secured, Airbnb booked, suitcase packed, car gassed up. I’m going off grid for a little bit…before I make a decision that I may regret, I need to sit with myself and deal with my entire past life and its issues that is proving to affect my current life.

So stay tuned…