Tag: #healing
Month 10
This day on any other year was like a holiday. It was the day you and I spent time together doing whatever you liked. It was the day that I put together a little party for you with a cake that you never ate, gifts and attempted to bring together your favorite people under one roof. It’s the day I wanted you to feel celebrated, loved, honored and appreciated. No it’s not Mother’s Day…it’s your Birthday!
Today is hard for me for two reasons. One it’s your birthday and two it is the 10 month anniversary of your transition. I purposefully worked today, which is also something I don’t normally do on this day. And to top it off, I packed my scheduled as tight as I could to eliminate any free time to cry and waddle in sorrow. You never liked to see me cry. It always made you tear up and you’d tell me to stop or walk away from me if you couldn’t contain your tears. Well, my entire day fell apart. I guess the message that was being given to me was that I needed to “tend” to my feelings. All my meetings except two were cancelled, my trainings were rescheduled and I had a huge hole in my day. I had already been up way before my alarm went off, staring at the ceiling and crying, thinking of all the reasons why I’m grateful and then following them up with all the reasons why I felt like such shit.
I tried to steer clear of my phone as I knew the photo memories would pop up. But every time I looked at my clock display, pictures of us or you and the kids appeared. After a while, I decided to take a look at the Google notification that I swipe left almost everyday. I just wanted to hear you laugh or say my name. I stopped on a picture of me looking like I allowed the wind to style my hair for the day. There was a caption that said I was headed to spend the day with my favorite girl on her special day. This was your last birthday at home. I always picked up food, had a cake or cupcakes that you never ate and gifts. I could not forget the gifts. This year it was some weird “As Seen On TV” crap that you bugged me about as if Christmas hadn’t just come and gone. It’s crazy because I would hunt and find it just to see your face light up.
I stumbled on a picture of me, you and your only granddaughter. Generations in one picture. We all have that nose of yours lol. I smile. You looked like you had just cursed me out because I interrupted your game that you were playing on your tablet. But you were dressed up and sitting with your legs crossed like the lady you were. I felt this tug at my heart. My eyes immediately starting to fill with tears. Normally I’d try to stop it but today, I removed my glasses and I just let the tears fall. I miss you. I don’t know what to do today. And I feel so lost.
I watched past videos of your birthday parties. I laughed at the one where I put trick candles on your cake and you kept trying to blow them out. You were about to get pissed at me. Grandma was fussing because she did not want me to drop the candles on the floor and burn down the house lol. Matt was ill because I kept laughing when the candles wouldn’t go out lol. That was the best. I scrolled to the picture when I got you an outfit and your boots…lord you worried me so bad about them damn boots! The following year, you had on the entire outfit for your birthday and you didn’t want me to take a picture of you. I knew you hated pictures but they are all I have now so I’m glad I snapped them anyways.
I really do not know what I am doing here anymore. I truly have built the life that I have to take care of you, and then to care for your grandchildren. But you most of all because I wanted you to be proud of the child that you raised that beat all the odds. I did’t end up pregnant as a teen. I didn’t let not having my Father around push me down a path of destruction and drugs. I left the little town you raised me in and I made something of myself. I spent time in the military, went to college, got married, started a career, got a good job, had kids, helped raise my Brother and took care of you anyway I could. All I’ve ever wanted was for you to be proud of me. Now that you’re gone, what do I do?
I’m struggling with this part of grief. Often isolating myself because I feel as though no one understands or cares. When I’m all alone with my thoughts, this is where I truly miss having you around. Without saying a word, you knew when I was upset. You knew when I was excited. When I was happy. When I had the sillies. You were always there to listen, give advice when you felt it was necessary and just be my best friend. I never had to remind you. It came naturally.
So i’m accepting it…losing my best friend is something that I will never get over. I have accepted that. But I refuse to stop celebrating you. The last thing I want is to one day forget your birthday just because you aren’t here. I gave you the best that I had while you were here. And I don’t know how to stop.
UNKNOWN
“SOMETIMES MEMORIES CREEP OUT OF MY EYES AND ROLL DOWN MY FACE.”
I hope you are having the best day ever even though it’s not here with us. I miss you and love you dearly and that will never change.
Month 9
It’s been a hell of a day. And to top it off, the week itself has been a complete bitch. It has been 9 months, 39 weeks, 274 days, 6,570 hours and 394,200 minutes since you left me on this God forsaken planet with these humans.
The anticipation of today as well as yesterday was far worse than the actual course of the day. I opted to exit the house today to avoid wallowing in bed and crying endlessly into my pillow, smelling like Christmas Day or Christmas Eve (I can’t keep up) and just being completely sad.
Today, I made the trip to the cemetery to check on the area in which you lay. I’m not sure why I do this. I promise I can always hear you saying, “I don’t know why you come here to cry and be sad. I am not here“. Our beliefs on the “life after” were similar. However today, I just needed some peace. And being in a desolate cemetery gave me that sense of peace. Nothing but stillness and silence except for when the wind blew. Sitting at your feet as always, with my hands in the Earth, stroking the grass as if it was your hair. Truly weird Mother…I know. But you know, you have pretty weird children lol.
After sitting with you in silence for a while I was certain the kids would enjoy a day out since I ditched our Annual Christmas Trip. No worries Mom, they will definitely reconvene next year. This year was a blip.
To get my mind on a different track, I attempted to do a little retail therapy which ended horribly. I ended up buying the kids each a toy. It is the day after Christmas…palm to face. I know what you’d say. I rode them around the base showing them where I use to live and how the one time you decided to come into the area, I could not get you to come on base with me. You were not interested in the Army life I was living. You were still pretty pissed that you signed the paperwork to allow me to join at the tender age of 17. I’m sure as time went on, you were glad that you did. And as a bonus, I influenced my younger Brother to join and with much trial and error, you were finally able to see your youngest child and only son off into the Army as well. All you wanted was for us to get away and do something with our life. Yet here I still reside. But I came back for you. Now I am beyond ready to relocate. The obstacles just keep appearing in my path, but I will try to not let it deter me.
I saw Brother for a brief moment today. I think he feels as though he owes me an excuse for not hanging around much while he is visiting but it’s fine. After all he is an adult. He spent time with family today, since I had no desire to do so. His appearance is for the both of us. You know like how I use to show up for you. Smh. We’d play rock, paper, scissors to see who would make an appearance lol. So I’m thankful he went. However, I am sorry if they badgered him with questions but I think he’s well equipped with how to answer. (If you want to know, call her and ask…) You taught him well Mother lol.
This month was no easier than the last. I had to remind myself a bunch of times that I didn’t need to get you a gift. These holidays are really fucked up. I have therapy this week so I’m sure this will be at the top of the list of topics to discuss. I feel emotionally exhausted, with waves of excessive thinking and just a serious case of grief overload. Tomorrow’s another day to try and move through the stages of grief feeling as though no one understands this pain, and my disinterest in wanting to explain it. Retreating to my bubble..
Christmas Without You
Although it is sad to reminisce
On Christmases we once knew,
This year I tried to celebrate
All in memory of you.
I attempted to put aside my sorrow
With every unshed tear,
And concentrated on all the time and love
We shared when you were here.
Our time together, though very short, taught me
What Christmas time is for,
And that's what I will always remember
Until we meet once more.
It’s ok to ask for help. Or to be patient and wait for that help. You’re human, so give yourself some grace!
Month 8
It’s been 34 weeks, 243 days, 5840 hours, and 350400 minutes. My brother visited the cemetery today for the first time since the service. I wasn’t able to physically make it (because he got up super early and left me) but he FaceTime me and I was able to be with him indirectly and in spirit.
This is the first month that he’s been home around this time and it was helpful to have him to lean on as well as provide him with support too. Being away from home and trying to get through this has been really hard for him.
I tried to lift my spirits by decorating because Christmas (and birthdays) were our thing. We competed to see who would have the best decorated house. Not leaving a room undecorated for the holiday. Not sure what it is about Christmas but it made us feel happy.
This month has had its ups and downs. But i’ve tried to find the positive in everything. I don’t miss you any less. If anything I miss you more. Wishing that I was preparing a Thanksgiving plate for you to critique, falling asleep on your couch as you played with the kids before falling asleep yourself. You’re missed at all times and I hope you know it.
I’m still pushing forward because I can always hear you saying live your life because you only have this one. I miss you Mom and I hope even through the snot and tears that I am making you proud. It’s not easy and I know you hate for us to cry or get the least bit emotional over you, but you were truly my best friend. And life is a little hard to navigate without you. One day it will get easier but I definitely will never get to a place where I won’t think about you and cry. The next two months will be trying – Christmas and then your Birthday but I got this right? I know I probably don’t but I’m going to try.
In My Unapologetic Life... 