Category: Just ‘Cause

Productivity

Working from home was not something that I wanted to do in the past. As a salaried employee, you know we generally put in more than 40 hours a week and there were a lot of times, I stayed late in the office to finish a report, presentation or audit. Work wasn’t pleasant… I wanted to keep home and work separate. No working in my “place of peace”. When I’m bored or want to avoid a situation, I will throw myself completely into work. It just gives me somewhere else to put my thoughts momentarily. I didn’t want to turn into a work hobbit at home.

So…I’ve been in my current position for…2 years. Not long at all. I’ve been remote for the biggest of my time that I’ve been employed. At first I was all about it with the scare of the pandemic, my kid having to go to school virtually, daycare closed…it was a mess.

My hobby room now turned into an office/hobby room. I make my own schedule, I’m not micro-managed, I don’t have to wear clothes and sometimes I don’t have to leave the bed. I can build naps into my day, run errands, take care of household chores, make appointments and work from anywhere in the world as long as I have internet. The biggest positive for me was the time that I was able to spend with my children. I had spent the last 6 years traveling for work and putting in long hours. I planned to make the best of it. I always say, everything happens for a reason.

Before the new variants came on the scene, our CEO was polling the staff about reopening the office. About 50% were ready to go back into the office and the other 50% had found normalcy in working from home. I was in the 50% who does not want to return to the office. My job does not require me to honestly work with anyone but I know our laid back office environment is a staple for our company. It was a selling point for me when considering the position. And I was able to experience it for a short period of time. It was indeed nice, but I realized how much I loved being at home in my own space.

Today we learned that we will all remain remote until 2022. I’m sure a lot of companies are making adjustments to accommodate their staff working from home as a permanent option. I proposed we make more definite decisions on reopening for those of us with children. I would love to remain working with my company and have the flexibility to move. A lot has happened in my life in general since we have transitions to working remote. Relocating is at the top of my priority list at the moment. And I’d love the possibility of relocating out of state.

I realize it was Wellness Wednesday and I was unproductive across the board. I didn’t work on my book. I hadn’t completed a blog entry all day. I didn’t work on my app or fulfill any orders for my little side hustle. I was truly lazy today. Unproductive for a better choice of words. And I had really done much of nothing for work. This time of year, I don’t really have much to do. Sales slow a little, training halts for a bit and everyone prepares for flu season.

I had one meeting and spent the rest of the day looking at houses, doing laundry and sneezing. Dusty home repairs have thrown my allergies in overdrive and I’m sitting here with tissue hanging out of my nose.

Going back into an office environment is not something that I want to do at this point. I never thought I’d say this. Hell to be honest, I don’t want to HAVE to work for anyone else period. I believe I have quite enough business ideas that allow me to just enjoy the remainder of my time on this weird ass planet with those that I love.

If you participate in Wellness Wednesday, I hope it was awesome. If you don’t you should try it out. I missed Lunchtime Yoga. It was replaced with an unscheduled nap after I made the kids lunch. Smh. We’re halfway through the week, even closer to Christmas and folks tell me Fall is upon us…I’ve got to at least go outside a little more.

Note to self: You should probably change the yard flag too. It may still say Hello Spring 🤦🏾‍♀️

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Oceanside Olivia

The kids haven’t been to the beach nearly as much as I have been this year. A lot has happened (and keeps happening) that pushes me to the beach often just to clear my head.

As I sat here, I watched people come and go. Couples playing volleyball. Owners playing fetch with their dogs. Kids chasing each other into the ocean. Kids building sand castles. Young adults recording tik tok videos and dancing to music. And there was me. The chick organizing her email inbox on her laptop in a cabaña. LOL. (Let’s hope I remember how to fold this crazy thing up smh.)

My kids filled my unused picnic basket with beach toys. What’s their plan? They want to build a city and then record Godzilla destroying it. Then they want to post it on YouTube to see how many likes it gets. Their goal is to be YouTube sensations…that’s so cute. Already striving to be great. I encourage so you know, I put my laptop down to produce this epic Godzilla episode for YouTube lol.

The older lady next to me came over to chat. Oddly enough, we had the same cabaña…and would you know, she wanted to know if I knew how to fold mine up LOL. Ma’am, I am going to struggle but I have YouTube handy if I get stuck. We talk a little more about where we are visiting from, her dog and the makeshift shade chair she created. She was pretty nice. It never fails though that if I come to the beach no matter how “alone” I try to stay, someone breaks my barrier and introduces themselves and let me in on a little secret that they have or a problem they’ve recently encountered. Today, the lady was lonely. It was just her and her dog. She reminded me of myself, so i respectfully (saved my draft of course) closed my laptop to converse with her. She had a nice aura about her so I felt ok.

I raced my son to the water. My daughter, who swims like a fish, is terrified of the ocean water. She splashed me with water without warning and then realized her Mother is truly the biggest kid. She ran back to the cabaña. Then my son and I raced back. I don’t know why these kids think their Mother is inactive lol. Whenever I run they act so surprised. Hello kids, once upon a time your Mother was in the US Army and she had to run. And she played sports…softball, cheerleading, thought I could play football…I’m super fast…ok not super fast but I can hang with the best of them when my asthma allows lol.

We pack up to head home. I see Fur Son on the camera sad and whining. He wants me to cook him chicken and rice and let him roll around pooting in my bedroom.

Outside of paying to having the littlest ones’ screen replaced on his iPhone, we’ve had a really decent day. I got some much needed sun and my beach fix. And the kids got their road trip wish and beach day as promised. This was a reminder that all of my “bad mornings” don’t have to result in a totally bad day. Now we have to decide on dinner…and then get home to Fur Son. Had I known dogs were allowed, I would have brought him on his first beach trip. Getting lost in the ocean is a whole different type of scary so I don’t know if I’m ready for that so soon after his stint in the pen…

Until next time, I’m going to keep being weird in hopes that more people join me lol. Just kidding. I’m a cool ass chick. ✌🏾

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Past Life

Yesterday I took a break. Or I attempted to do so. I left my both phones and my laptop on the nightstand the entire day. I should have worked out but I really have just been in a real lazy type of mood. And I can tell physically because the weight I once lost, is creeping back up on me. I have to do better.

I go and take a stab at trying to organize this walk in closet again. I start with the top shelves this time. I realize I have way too many handbags and totes. This is ridiculous. I grab a trash bag to throw this shit away. Inside of one of the huge bags I find my journals from waaaaaaaaaaayyyy back when. Like high school up until right before I got married. I have narrated my life in journal form since I was about 8 or 9 years old. Then it was to cope with the sea of domestic violence that surrounded me and to give an only child an outlet to express herself. I remember my aunt bought my first diary. A little white patent leather journal with a lock. The leather where the lock use to reside was gone. I remember the day my Mom cut that bitch off to read my diary. She was angry as hell. My thoughts, my diary. Not in her house. That pushed me to write even more. From that point forward, I had to hide my then diary just like the kids do in movies (under my bed, in between books on my bookshelf, in my closet, etc.) I realized that I stopped writing when I got married. And I honestly never go back and read what I write. Until today…

I stared at all the journals debating whether or not to open one just to revisit the past. This could be a good thing or it could trigger a whole lot of bullshit. I sat in my closet floor contemplating what to do. One I remember and I know it’s the last journal I wrote in. I grab it. It was only from about 17 years ago. Here goes nothing…

I do some stupid shit sometimes…nothing compares to my past life though lol. I did a multitude of stupid things and dealt with a lot of stupid people. Life was different then. I think I sat here laughing, singing, crying and questioning myself for about 2 hours. The top shelf of the closet was empty but nothing was organized. Stick a pin in this task, it’s done for the day. There was so much emotion in things that I wrote and then I began to see a pattern.

And maybe that was the purpose of me reading these entries. To see that I create my own unhappiness by the situations I put myself in. And even at 37 I hadn’t quite learned my lesson in this area of my life. Am I going to make a change or keep putting myself through unnecessary pain?

I reach the end of this journal and I find a poem that I wrote. 

"True Love"

Together forever we shall stay,
Letting our love grow stronger, day by day.
Wishes made upon the stars in the sky,
Knowing this love will never die.

Hopes and dreams this love is for real,
Knowing what's going on, knowing how we feel.
Showing our love and showing we care,
No longer playing a silly game of truth or dare.

Being here for one another,
And showing love for only each other.
I'm going to be only your babygirl,
And this is because you have changed my world.

You have put trust in me like no one else will,
You loved me then and you love me still.
I believe in this world everyone has a soulmate,
I also believe we met not only through fate...

But we met because we are meant to be,
And that's what I'm trying to make you see.
You and I must work through this relationship together,
And when we go through the worst, we will make it better.

So from here on out it's just me and you,
And for that I love only you.

The poem didn’t even fit my life then. And I’m not sure who I was addressing. There’s no date and it’s literally at the end of the journal. It’s random. I read it over and over again. In faint ink next to the poem I see “Always Alone”.

I’ve always tried filling this void no matter the cost just because of the pain it causes. And in return, I always end up hurt. I sat and cried to no end. I owe it to myself to stop. I realize in this moment no one can take this pain away or fill this hole I have in my heart. Nobody but me. I have pain, disappointment and abandonment piled on top of anger. This just dusted off a bunch of shit I buried.

It’s time I sit and really deal with it…vacation request entered, calendar blocked, sitter secured, Airbnb booked, suitcase packed, car gassed up. I’m going off grid for a little bit…before I make a decision that I may regret, I need to sit with myself and deal with my entire past life and its issues that is proving to affect my current life.

So stay tuned…

Questions

I have spent most of my day asking myself the most internal questions. These questions came about as I was lying in bed, when I took a shower, while I was sitting outside with my fur son, while I was working and as I was listening to my coworker tell me about her plans to file for divorce.

Why me?

All the questions lead back to this one main question.

Why me?

Listen. I stay in my bubble. I don’t like drama because let’s be honest. I just might hurt someone. My temper is out of this world. My mouth is slick as shit and people really don’t know what kind of hard work it takes to truly turn your life around.

I started the morning the exact opposite of any morning this week. Unfocused in my morning meditation to the point that I muted it to call the HVAC specialist who installed my new unit. He said “Hello”. (Oh he does know how to answer his phone? I called from my other cell.) This is when I know I’ve tapped into Bitchy Beatrice…“Uh huh, ummmm did you forget all the shit you left around my house? Ok, great. So this is how it’s going to go. Come get it today or I’m going to make it a personal goal to shut your shit down. I will even give you the option to refund me money I paid for labor so that I can pay someone else to finish your job!” After a few more choice words, I pause to let him speak. He apologized. I replied “Fuck your apology and your truck. As a business owner you should communicate better with your customers. More importantly me because I am not the one.” Mind you I’ve been calling this asshole for over a month to come and get the “trash” from my yard, garage and attic.

One thing I absolutely hate is for someone to say they are going to do something and they don’t. And don’t let it be a paid service. Now I gotta throat punch you for lying…ok that may be a bit far but I don’t think you understand. I’ve been beyond patient. Patience is not something that comes easily to me. I have been really working on it.

I felt bad afterwards. That rededicated part of me wanted to call and apologize. Then Beatrice the Bitch said FUCK THAT NEEGA!

So here I go asking myself these questions again…Why me? Why did he think he was going to fuck me over? $3800 and you didn’t think you were going to get your trash? Why did he think this was ok? Why do people continue to try me? Time is up…I promise I don’t have an ounce of giving a fuck in me right now.

I popped off on everyone for the rest of the day that came at me sideways.

I think a nice hot bath with pink himalayan salt and some CBD bubble bath will be suitable tonight to wash off the day and this attitude. Clearly I’m reaching my limit with people even with isolating myself.

I think it’s time I take another “life” break…Until then, spread love…so many of us are silently fighting demons no one would ever understand…but this Bitch is tired…do you hear me?

Next lifetime me puhlease!!!

Mondayest of Mondays.

65 Funny Monday Memes to Help You Make It Through the Day

I wanted nothing more today than to lay in my bed with my covers pulled up to my ears and just be. I love my job but I just hate Monday’s. I mean we are just raped of a weekend and thrown into a workday in the blink of an eye. But it’s Monday, I have to work, kids have to eat and be cared for, dog has to be walked, fed and fussed at, trash has to go to the curb…I think I had it all covered. I’m working on being productive. So far it’s proving to be a struggle, but it’s ok. I’ll keep trying.

I have a really bad hankering for a salad…so do you know what my ass did??? Tell em what you did girl! I drove an hour and 18 minutes to a salad shop. I ordered the salad, ate most of it in the parking lot and then drove back home…

My life is full of these real haphazard ass trips and moments as of late…

I’m sure it has a lot to do with my newfound “quitting” spirit. I quit eating meat. I quit grief therapy. I quit people. I quit trying. I did make it throught the 12 weeks of reflection in grief counseling. But I’m beginning to think somehow the reset button was pressed. Gently placing me somewhere in between Self-Care and Compulsive & Addictive Behavior… Queue Deborah Cox, Nobody’s Suppose To Be Here. How did I get here???

I just want to lay in my bed, eat chips and shop on Amazon…sounds depressing I know but it is quite peaceful. Just me, the rustling of the bag, the crunch of the chips between my teeth and the tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk of my fingers on my laptop keyboard…

I am happy that the day is over. And on that note, I am going to fulfill part of my dream by dragging my body out of the bed and into the kitchen to get a bag of the chips of the quarter….

Lay’s…you can’t eat just one…

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