Category: Navigating Grief
Month Three
It’s been exactly three months to the day since my Mom left me on this Earth. It’s been very difficult to navigate. Often times I don’t feel there isn’t anyone that I can talk to who can truly relate.
I isolate myself quite a bit. I enjoy being home in my place of peace where I feel most protected. I’m cautious of who I let in because everyone doesn’t emit good positive energy.
Some days I can spend the entire day crying. Crying because I heard one of her favorite songs. Crying because I have no one to talk to, when my Mom was always a phone call away. Crying because I just genuinely miss her. It still doesn’t feel real. I still forget some days and call the facility to check on her. And some days I’m perfectly fine.
It’s hard no doubt. And this isn’t something I’d wish even on my worse enemy.
I try to spend a little more time outside these days in the sun because it makes me feel happy. When I begin to cry and I can’t stop, I go outside in my front yard, barefoot and I just stand or sit in the grass. Surely my neighbors think I’m nuts but I don’t care. Taking care of my mental is of upmost importance. And I don’t worry how others view me. (Lesson #999 From My Mom:
What they eat don’t make you shit Darling! Fuck how they feel about you!
-My Mom
In the three months she’s been gone a lot has been revealed to me. A lot has happened, some good and some bad. It forced me to put together my final arrangements for my own life. I spoke with my ex-husband to discuss how to handle our kids in my absence. Outside of him and my Brother, I don’t want anyone else having access to my children.
I learned that family and so called friends can be deceptive, conniving, deceitful, manipulative and controlling…but only if you allow them. I always thanked my Mom for how she raised me. And I still do every morning. I’m cut from a different cloth and that’s not to imply I’m better than anyone. It is to imply that I have values and morals that may not be like most. And one thing I don’t do is change how I treat people. I always operate out of a place of love. I always move cautiously to ensure I’m not harming anyone intentionally. I help those I can in ways that don’t interfere with taking care of me and mine. I listen, I give advice if I’m led to and overall I just try to be a good person. As abundantly blessed as I am, I am not stuck on how much or what I have in comparison to others. I’m content with being able to take care of me and my babies. I’m reserved and intuitive.
I now listen to my intuition more than I ever did. This was a rough month to endure but the lesson I learned is to be careful of who I let in my corner. Wolves dress in sheep’s clothing in all aspects of our life. And these wolves aren’t always strangers. I stay protected in all the ways (spiritually, physically and mentally) and stay in my peaceful bubble. I know I will have good and bad days but it’s always nice to look back on how far I’ve come. Time doesn’t heal our heart…only we do.
As lonely as it is here, I believe I can manage with all that you’ve taught me. Rest easy Mom, I got this.
-A Motherless Daughter
Raine…
I guess you left more of an imprint than I thought. Little surprise that’s what you were. I miss you…one more angel to watch over us…but that doesn’t make it any easier to handle…until we meet again Baby Girl 💛
Month Two
It’s been two months today since you transitioned from your Earthly body…and it’s been the hardest two months of my life.
I’ve lost almost 40lbs…I quit eating meat…I meditate every morning…I workout (or I try to) everyday…I stay to myself to protect my space, energy and peace at all costs.
There are times where I feel unstable as hell. I cry, I scream, I yell. I forget and I repeat the cycle all over again. I cry anywhere and everywhere. I don’t even care anymore.
I have good days and I have bad days. Sometimes I can see pictures of her or us in my memories and I laugh. And other times I see the pictures and I cry.
This void is real. It’s stifling. It’s rigid. It’s cold. It’s lonely.
Losing a parent is hard. Accepting they’re gone is harder. Living without them is the hardest. All I can do is get up each day and try again…
Happy Mother’s Day
Today’s is the day my Mom could have her every desire that I was able to give. It was the day I spent entirely with her. Even if I had to work, I’d forfeit sleep to spend the day with her. (And she milked it!)
She’d open her gift(s), I’d do my presentation about her plant or flower I bought her for this year, she’d tell me how I was so extra, we’d go for a walk and definitely spend money on some frivolous items.
But it was Mother’s Day. A day to celebrate the woman who knew me best. A day to celebrate the woman who brought me into this world. A day to shower her with all the love she deserved.
This year I lay in bed. I toy with the idea of going to the cemetery. This is all still too new for me. I still can’t believe I don’t have you with me on Earth to call and spend time with. I realize my time was spent working, caring for my kids and caring for you. I dedicated my life to making sure you were taken care of. Sometimes you didn’t want to be taken care of but the older you got the more you accepted it. After all I’m just like you, stubborn and don’t listen. I spoiled you as much as I possibly could.
I remember when I bought her a tablet and she heaved it into the tree line of the yard because she didn’t know how to work it? Lol. I was so upset like why not give it back to me. Or wait for me to help you. Lol. I was her personal tech support. I fixed her internet, tv, tablet, cell phone, house phone, modem, router, etc. I placed all her As Seen On TV orders in dismay lol. We argued about it but I still did it happily.
Dear Best Friend (Mommie),
I miss you more than all the words that exist, all the sounds we can hear, all the things we can smell, all the things we can see, all the things we can taste and all the things we can touch. And that’s a lot Mom.
Today I hope you understand why I spent 10 years giving you flowers that you had no intention of keeping for real lol. I’m happy you accepted them with no pushback. I’m grateful you accepted my speech and explanation of the chosen flower/plant each year. I’m at peace knowing I did all I could to take care of you and showed you how much I loved you while you were here. There is so much more I wanted to do with you and for you. And I will still push to do them now, even when I’m emotional. And when I do it, I will be sure to call upon you. So that you can be with me in spirit…
Happy Heavenly Mother’s Day to the best Mom that graced the Earth and now roams the Heavens. There will never be another you. I love you for all eternity Mom ❤️
With Love, Your Favorite Daughter 😘
“I’m Ok”
It’s my response when I start grief counseling and I’m asked “How are you doing?” Go outside they say. Get some fresh air. It will do you good, help your mood. Pick up a new hobby. Spend time with your kids. You will need family and friends to get through this process. They say these things but real life, who does this? Or has successfully done this? We need to talk!
So you don’t think pre-grief that I didn’t do all those things. Do you think once you lose someone so close to you that you just roll over and pick up where you left off after they’re slowly descended into the ground forever?
Before my Mom passed away, I had a routine. A morning ritual. I called to check on her and talk to her. Tuesdays was my best day of the work week every week. Now I struggle to get out of bed. Most days I work directly from between the sheets. I don’t want to get up or get dressed. I don’t turn on my camera for meetings and I really don’t feel like speaking. That’s pretty hard for an IT person. But we are weird anyway so 🤷🏾♀️… I barely eat. I think my body is use to it so we may have to revert back to scheduled meals again. I’m tired from doing nothing. I’m mentally drained. I’m emotionally out of control and physically I mostly feel like shit but I say I’m ok with a smile.
I am my Mother’s child and this is why not having her is so hard for me. Sometimes thoughts runs through my head and I just want someone to talk to. Just to distract me and make me laugh or talk about something other than what has me consumed in thought and/or down. But generally everyone is busy throughout the course of the day. And so am I but I’m struggling in a major way. My Mom use to be that one person that would answer me and talk about nothing for hours. She would ask what was wrong and when I didn’t respond she knew it was deep enough that she would say something immediately to make me laugh. Like saying hold on I have to fart. Smh. She had no filter. And she always answered my call. She could be sleep and if I called she answered and she wouldn’t let me hang up. She’d talk to me because she sensed that I just needed someone. She knew and understood me. She was the truest friend you could ever have. Losing her was the worse thing to happen to me in this lifetime. I don’t ever want my children to endure this kind of heartache and pain.
So at a time like this, I’m grateful that I have learned to navigate and cope on my own. Whether the coping be healthy or unhealthy. I have to maintain my sanity at this point. So when you see me talking to myself. No I’m not crazy. I got tired of waiting for other people to talk to. And don’t read this and say well call them. Have you ever joined a chat for help and you were ‘next in queue’ for hours? That’s my life. Always waiting for someone to get back with me, make time for me or remember some shit they volunteered to do for me.
“Wait”…”Give me a minute” (the minute is still ticking I believe)…. “I will check on you later” (3 years from now)…”I forgot, I’m sorry”…Don’t even worry about it…I will figure it out.
So navigating life as a Motherless (and Fatherless) Adult Child, Week 3 Life Lesson that I remembered from my many conversations with Mom:
Don’t depend on man because he will fail you everytime.
-T. L. Moore
Where Do I Go From Here?
People often times struggle with what to say to someone when they lose a loved one. I know because I’ve done it. You’re asked how are you out of concern and knowing that you’re hurting. But there’s also the thought that nothing said will make it better.
When I’m asked “how are you?”, I fight back tears. That little 3 word question releases so many memories at once that I’m mentally and emotionally overwhelmed. I normally will look away or at the ground to try and stop the tears. Sometimes it works most of the time it doesn’t.
Just know, it’s not your fault and I understand that you’re really only concerned and at a lost for words. There’s nothing to stop or dull this pain. Just know I’m not ok. And I’m told that it’s ok to not be ok.
I thank everyone for all for the kind words, phone calls, text messages, food, prayers and love. This has been very hard and I’m sure this is only the beginning. I’m praying for peace and comfort, healing of not only the hearts of my brother and I , but also the hearts of all of my family. ❤️
In My Unapologetic Life... 