Tag: #life

Dreams Come True…

As long as we have someone to share our dreams with, there’s nothing we can’t do and nothing we can’t be!

I turn over and I guess whatever dream I was having had ended. I squint and squeeze my eyes open and close to focus on the time on the Echo Show sitting next to the bed. 4:14am, I think it says. I wonder, are you awake??? I focus a little more and see the picture behind the time is of you and I. I have on that silly mullet wig from Halloweens ago. You are just being you lol. Standing behind me smiling for the picture that I’m sure you just walked into. We don’t take nearly enough pictures to reflect on all the fun and good times. They reside in our memories and that is perfectly ok. I imagine that was a good day in the picture. I can’t pinpoint when it was or what we did, but there is always a good time had whenever we are together. And that’s in between the sheets or not. I miss you…

It’s bit chilly in the house at this hour. It is noticeable that it’s cold outside. I pull the covers back up over my shoulders and try to bury myself inside the bed. I turn over and grab one of the many throw pillows that form a mountain on the bed. I tuck the pillow into my chest and hold it tight. Not long ago, I would turn over and nestle into you, placing my hand on your chest. This is what I call home. Normally if I woke like this, with these feelings I’d cry.

Today I don’t cry. I’m reminded that dreams do come true. It is not so far fetched and crazy to imagine a life with someone you truly love. But what is a little scary is how quickly these dreams manifest into reality. And maybe that solely depends on the person and how strong their faith is. Instead of crying, I close my eyes and smile as I hold the pillow. So many thoughts run through my mind. Like how we have so much bed and yet you lay on the edge. Or you saying how “hot” I am laying next to you. My body would feel like it is on fire. (It’s literally the Aries in me 🤣🤣🤣) How about the age old conversation about why there are just too many damn pillows on the bed. And then I remember how we would make it a sport sometimes tossing the pillows from the bed to the resting chair when we prepare for slumber. My mind quickly shifts to us having this all out Nerf Gun war at home…it’s going to happen, so I hope he’s ready.

I have a lot to do. I have a place to locate and secure, a car to repair and a truck to purchase. I think this will be the perfect starter pack to starting life over. I will never compare my life before to now because there is simply no comparison. No matter the hardships, this life will still be so much better. Even with all that I’ve lost, I have peace. Even with all the setbacks, I am happy. And right now even with our temporary distance, I am excited for OUR future.

I know you disagree, but it won’t be long before you’re back with me. Time is going to fly, you just wait and see…

Distant Love

Previously written thoughts from my head as I lay in bed…

Distance is a number to calculate unconditional true and pure love…
I lay in the bed and I think about you
I love you so much that I don't know what to do
Wanting to feel you by my side
The pain that I feel in my chest moves up to my eyes
You're so far away but always so near
You are the only reason I still reside here.

Excited for the times when we can talk
Ecstatic for all the times we can hold hands, kiss, hug or just go for a walk
To feel you in real life...so close to me 
The happiest woman in the world is what you make me.

Your eyes shine bright like the morning sun
You don't believe it but to me you shine brighter than anyone
A smile so sweet that it instantly makes me smile
It manages to quiet my mind for just a while
I patiently wait for the next time when my hand is in yours
To feel your touch and hear you say those three little beautiful words.

Even after all this time, there are still no words I can say to describe
How "see you later" makes my heart ache and my eyes cry
But when we talk my heart flutters and flies
You always manage to erase the tears I cry.

You are my stars and you are my moon
I believe that being with you forever will come very soon
When we are apart take this to heart
No one or nothing will ever keep us apart.

Month 7

Do you ever have days where you just feel damn right tired for no apparent reason? You don’t feel like doing anything, even if you have a million things to do. You just want to lay around and do that one thing that brings you peace and comfort, all because you lack energy?

That is where I am today…

Everything seems complicated. It took 3 hours to prepare myself to change the sheets on my bed. It’s always a task but I literally left the bed to sit in the resting chair to look at my bed in hopes that someone will invent a tool/machine or a mattress that could allow the bed to “dress” itself. My son asked me to turn on the TV for about an hour before I actually could muster up the energy to get up and walk into the living room to get the remote off the fireplace mantle to turn on the TV.

When I’m like this it’s hard to think and focus, be productive, be patient and even work. In a nutshell, I just want the day to END because it is a complete drag. Grieving requires and consumes a lot of energy…and I have none to give.

I try to remember today is a drag for a couple of reasons…today is Month 7. Today is the day I closed on my current home 4 years ago after being told that my Paternal Grandfather had passed away. Besides me lacking all the energy in the world, it hasn’t been terrible day, just really meh. I stayed in my pajama’s in true “work-from-home” fashion, until I had to go pick up my grocery order.

I found it quite unbelievable that I managed to cook dinner tonight, bake cookies with my youngest and not get back in the bed after I got out of it. That was an accomplishment. It doesn’t dull the pain but it made it a little better. At the request of my oldest, I made spaghetti. The kids use to fight over my Mom’s spaghetti. And she would hold it hostage to get them to “be good”. I’ve cat-napped all day so sleeping tonight will be a task…

I’m reminded of her often and it’s usually followed by a smile or laugh that ends in a terrible cry. I just hope she know I’m doing my best, even though it doesn’t feel like I’m doing it well. Failing at all things in life except overthinking and restarting the steps of grief every 30 days or so…

This lifetime is a complete shit show…

Subjugation of the Mind

I’m not really sure why I am subjecting myself to such pain today…

I woke around 4am this morning. I laid in bed staring at the ceiling. My mind had turned on way before I opened my eyes. There were a million things running through my head…I need to do some laundry, look for a new washer and dryer, look for a new fridge, figure out what I wanted to put on the wall in the hallway. I have about 12 craft projects laying in the corners of my living room, bedroom and office. I need to finish them. I need some organization. And then boom…my Mom was the most organized person I know. I hear her in my ear, “plan for what you want, not what you think is going to occur.” She was a wise silly woman. But when she spoke even if I didn’t understand, I listened. I was always sure I’d need the advice one day.

When I’m super anxious, I get in cleaning mode. This is the time that I can throw away almost anything with no remorse. The goal is to make things tidy. Tidy equates to calm in my world. Everything has a place. Or in my mind it does.

I got out of bed, went in the bathroom and just sat. It’s dark all through my house. The kids are still asleep, as well as the dog. I’m the only thing moving besides the flame of the candle that’s been burning for at least 2 days now on my dresser.

I look out of the bathroom into my bedroom and I see the box on the floor beside my resting chair. It holds pictures that I got from my Mom’s place. The last time I opened the box, my brother struggled to get me to my bed. I was crying uncontrollably and just an all out mess. I miss her, I don’t know how to cope and all I do is cry. I don’t know how to heal this pain. Losing someone so close, someone they I’ve known all my life hurts like no other pain I’ve ever experienced. And I thought before this that I generally dealt with pain in a positive way.

Still staring at the box, I walk into my room with only the bathroom light illuminating a small portion of my bedroom. I sit on the floor and slide the box in front of me. I hear a voice in my head saying, “you can do this”…but the shaking of my hands and the tears already streaming down my face silently implies, “girl, no the fuck you cannot!” Against my better judgement. I open the box. To my surprise it didn’t start out bad. Probably because I hadn’t come across a picture of her yet. I smile and reminisce on times where I think I may have been happy. And I was probably only partially happy because I was a child.

This shit sucks. I pick up a picture from my 5th birthday. My Mom threw me the biggest backyard party. Invited the whole town I’m sure. Birthdays were her thing. Celebrate life was her motto. Love for today because ain’t shit promised tomorrow was her daily mantra. Optimism…I got that from her. No matter how shitty her life was, no matter how much she cried she was always certain that tomorrow would be better.

I go through all the pictures and decide maybe it is time I go through her things as I prepare to relocate. The plan is to Airbnb or rent out my house while I find a permanent residence for my family. I need some storage space for personal things so I don’t know why the fuck I decided now or today was the perfect day to do this. I’m on vacation until November 1st. I could have picked any other day. But once I start, I can’t stop.

I make a cup of coffee because I get the feeling, it’s going to be a long day. I make my bed, put on a load of laundry and get ready for yoga class. After yoga, I have a guided meditation class and then I will get back to whatever the fuck I think I need to do. As I walk up the stairs, I think to myself this is dumb. My phone rings, so I go back downstairs to see who’s calling. I don’t think I’ll be in the mood to talk much today. I take the call from my bank…if it’s not one thing it’s another but this was not a bad call. I hung up feeling a tad bit successful.

I’m pouring all my money into getting out of this marriage so that I can move on with my life. Everything I want to do is literally on hold at this moment. I’ve lost a job, I can’t buy another home, I can’t sell this one, I can’t start my business, I can’t buy another car, I can’t open any new lines of credit. I am a sitting duck. On top of paying my lawyer, I’m now paying a PI to locate this sick son of a bitch just so that he can be served. I went from almost having my divorce finalized to starting the fuck all back over. I’ve never been more ready to put this man on a t-shirt…

I once again head back upstairs now that I’ve missed yoga, to see if I can catch morning meditation. I open the blinds, I light my candle and I pull out my floor pillow. I don’t want to do this. I sit in the floor and I cry. Why? Because I am emotionally, physically and mentally tired. I need a break, before I break.

I look at the closet and I get up. Inside this closet there is a huge box of my Mom’s things. I get the idea to go through it. To purge and donate. I feel a ball forming in the pit of my stomach. My throat swells as if I swallowed a rock and I open the closet door. The first thing I see is my Mom’s Bible. She was no devout Christian but she too was just spiritual. Believing that churches were businesses and God existed everywhere. She questioned a lot of what was in the Bible as she was just as curious as I am and often times had nothing to do but read. I remember her telling me she had read the Bible 3 times…forward and backward. And each time the book made less and less sense to her.

I think, what if the roles were reversed? What would my Mom do if I was the one who transitioned from this Earthly realm and she was left here to carry on about life. Would she be me? Would she sit crying for hours until her face and eyes were sore? Would she avoid at all cost the people and things they reminded her of me? How the fuck would she handle this. And all I hear is life goes on baby girl. She was the strongest woman I have ever known. She wasn’t perfect but we were placed together here for a reason. We formed a bond unlike any other Mother and Daughter I know. We went about life as if we were the one ones in it. Meaning we could not careless about what people thought of us or what they said. Nothing but wonderful memories flood my mind and I cry even more.

Do you know what I’d give just to hear my Mom’s voice? Hold her hand? See her face in person? Do you know how empty and alone I feel even when I’m surrounded by a ton of people? Do you know how small I feel in this big wide world?

This life…it’s very confusing. I don’t regret any experience I’ve been through as it has shaped and molded me into the person I am today. And no matter how much negative shit comes my way, I still try to find the positive in it. But this one I can’t let loose. I can’t shake it. And it hits me. I will never know what happened to my Mom. It’s not just the fact that she’s gone but it’s more that I feel bad for not being there. I always felt like I was her super hero child. I was always there to save the day. To wipe her tears, to cry with her, to hold her and tell her everything would be ok. And once we were able to laugh, she’d tell me that I think I’m the Mom and she’s the child. And I’d reply telling her that wasn’t true. But that she did her best raising me and the only thing I have left to do is to care for her to show my appreciation. Ending my speech with I only have one Mother and I want to make sure she’s well taken care of, protected and loved until I can no more. She said I was a walking Hallmark Card.

Bits and pieces of that “girl” are gone. They left when I buried part of my heart. I’m thankful she’s no longer in pain and suffering at the hands of shitty ass healthcare workers who want nothing more than a check and to sit on their lazy asses. She doesn’t have the chaos of this world to deal with anymore. She’s at perfect peace. Probably somewhere trying to tell some other soul how to be a proper soul. Lol.

Today I miss her because I’m really letting pieces of her go. Tuesday will be 7 months…usually a day or so before I get in this place. This month it’s much earlier. This month it’s a little harder. My son turns 5 on Monday. My paternal grandfather passed away unexpectedly on October 26th, 4 years ago…it’s just a lot going on this week and emotionally I don’t know that I can handle it.

I struggled to type this. But it was something I felt I needed to do to release these emotions. Im reminded that I put my app creation on pause when I really need to get it finished. I have no motivation and I feel stuck. What would she do? If I was to talk to her what would she say? I had to stop going through her things to just sit and think.

I’m so tired of this life…this pain…this torture. I need a ray of sunlight to bring me some happiness and peace. I’m not looking for a lot…I’m not even looking for more money. I just want to smile and genuinely be happy again. I’m not happy here no matter what I do. I opt to not go through the box today. It’s not time. And mentally I can’t handle it. The little boy keeps running to sit with me while I cry so I have to do something else.

I guess I will find somewhere else to cry. I’ve worn out crying in front of the closet holding her Bible…

Mom, 
I miss you today more than ever. I want nothing more than to talk about your only grandson’s upcoming birthday. I want to tell you not to buy him a bunch of stuff that he will tear up. I want to hear you laugh and make jokes. I want to hear what you’re cooking and bets on whose will be better. I want to tell you what has me afraid right now. I want to tell you all the business ideas I have. I want you to spend the night with me to make me watch scary movies with you. I want to just sit outside with you and listen to nature. I want to walk with you. I want to hug you. I want to tell you I love you one more time and kiss your forehead. This isn’t the life I imagined, but the one I’m given. I don’t know how to move forward. I don’t know how to find my motivation or my way. I want to send these children to you because they are driving me insane. I have no support. You were it. I feel like I have absolutely nothing to get up and look forward to most days. And I know this is when you’d be ready to slap me. But even now, I’d welcome that. I’m going to get it together. I don’t know when or how but I know you won’t let me stay in this place, isolated from the outside world and everything. But right now I miss you and I don’t know how to do anything else. I won’t say Rest In Peace or anything like that but enjoy the afterlife and all it has to offer because you suffered here far too long. I’m going to get it together, I promise. 

Always Your Daughter,
XOXOXO

6 Word Short Story Compilation

People who are able to express themselves easily will never understand how liberating this feels. All it takes is 6 simple words sometimes. And as simple as that sounds it still doesn’t make expressing myself any easier. The topic was negativity…maybe tomorrow I can try being more positive. Giving myself some grace today…

I woke up sad and unhappy.
I tried to smile but cried.
I really hate it here today.
I threw all their toys away.
Praying the heartache and pain away.
I painted my entire day away.
All I hear; “Oh,it’s ok!”
Sick of just hearing, “I understand”.
The conversation is almost always abandoned. 
I’m so sick of feeling empty.
Life is such a miserable place.
Why live when we can die?
Why love when we can hate?
How much more can I lose?
How much more can I take?
I have no living parents here.
I want to run far away.
Where the trees and sky meet.
I want water at my feet.
I want sun on my face.
It usually makes me feel okay.
I just want to be happy. 
I just want some damn peace.
Hell no I am not OK! 
Grief is such a muthafuckin beast.

Phobia

Never do I feel compelled to write when I’m happy, only when I’m sad, hurting or angry…

It’s rare that I just sit…like just literally sit and do nothing.

I did that today. For once, I honestly wanted to talk to someone…but I don’t want to be a bother…and I don’t want to be interrupted…and I don’t want to be criticized…and I don’t want to be dismissed…I felt like I had too many stipulations for a conversation so I opted to just sit…

One question came to mind…

Why are you so nice?

EveryFuckingOne

This is such a loaded question. I’m sure most people could spit a response out quicker than I could blink. Me, however by the time the question is fully formed, I’ve ruined the conversation a million times in my head. And the only suitable response is “I don’t know.” This is the one response I dislike for my children to give me. I always explain to the them that they experience an emotion based on a thought or a feeling. And if you are feeling a certain type of way there is an emotion to describe why you feel this way. I give them examples…I am sad because you yelled. I am angry because I want to play. I am hurt because I fell down. I am happy because I have ice cream.

It was time to re-evaluate myself, my life and the circumstances that I’ve created…and so many thoughts flood my mind…dammit, didn’t we do this in Miami? UGHHHHHHHH

The world has been unkind for as long as I can remember. But my Mom always said we had to be the difference we want to see in the world.

It takes nothing to be kind right…shiiiiiiiit…it also takes thick skin, therapy, tequila, shrooms, weed and a few close friends.

Truth be told, I am nice to people mostly because I was raised to treat others how I want to be treated and not in response to how they treat me. This is a positive and negative personality trait to have. But just because I’m nice doesn’t mean I trust you 100%. I will give you enough rope to either hang yourself or show me that you’re loyal. Tests are not games, but merely a way of gauging how to handle a person. Given the damage on the exterior of my heart, I think I am allowed to perform such tests. And I wouldn’t oblige if someone tested me…

Acceptance

Opening up your heart to someone is the epitome of vulnerability. I haven’t done it a lot in life. But for every time that I have, I’ve lost that person. The most recent episode of life has put me in such a place that I am truly afraid of letting my guard down. I think I owe it to myself to be a little guarded to avoid getting into any more situations that will leave me “hurt”.

I can honestly say that I am afraid of getting hurt again. I don’t know that I will recover…