Author: ~California Dreamer~

I didn’t think I’d make it to the beach this weekend with the wicked forecast for rain. Saw my Baby Love yesterday and woke still too tired to get on the highway to head home.

Extended my stay, ran to Best Buy to get a laptop for work tomorrow and looked up at the sky…it wasn’t raining…I’m going to the beach!

Text Bae my plans. He told me to enjoy since he had to leave me this morning. I find a Tropical Smoothie enroute to the oceanfront to grab a Watermelon Mojito. Dinner was a little disappointing last night so I was playing it safe for brunch.

I made it to the beach, set up my little area, away from folks and damn you’d think I let off a smoke signal…

I look up and there’s a small arena of folks around me. I open my umbrella on my chair and turn up my music on my earbuds. Tone Stith sings, “you feel better than before…” He was referring to a more sensual matter but it resonated with me in life in general. At this moment in my life I feel better than I did before and that is big for me!

I lost my Mom, lost a cousin, went backwards in my divorce process delaying everything, let go and lost of a lot of people, things and situations in my life. I learned to really not stress about anything that doesn’t affect me directly. If it doesn’t take away from me or my kids I no longer worry about it. I keep in contact with those whose energy is positive and genuine and the rest I cordially speak when spoken to and not a moment before.

Reflecting on What I Learned About Myself…

I learned that I cannot expect everyone to treat friendship and relationships in the same manner that I do. I learned that I have to openly communicate my expectations and issues. Not to try to avoid conflict and let things build up until I explode. I learned a lot about myself good and bad. I can be very selfish although I love to give. Naturally I expect quite a bit of people and when they don’t perform in the manner I feel they should, I remove myself.

I never remove myself with ill intent or talk bad about the other person behind their back. I wish them well but accept we can’t have a relationship and I move on. I’m a real simple person. I just don’t/can’t tolerate a lot of BS. Or I should say, I hadn’t been able to in the past.

Recently I learned how to be patient…anyone who knows me, knows this is a weakness I possess. I am true to my fiery sign and I am was impatient as hell. And I mean with everyone and everything. I didn’t know how to control it or correct it. But I t’s amazing what you can do when you unplug from the world and learn yourself. Just observe, meditate and record…I am something else. And I can say that now and not be joking. Seriously. My shadow side is a bitch. And I slowly began to remember things I did in that space. I felt bad.

I vowed to do and be better because while we may reincarnate and live several lives, I want all of mine to be the best that they can be. Isn’t the part of truly living and enjoying this lifetime?

I learned to start my day with gratitude. I learned to give myself some grace. I learned to accept that I cannot do, be and know everything. I am human. And I’m just one human.

New Practice…New Way of Living…

I began this test of patience before I truly realized it. It started out rough. A week in and I was ready to give up and walk away. One dream changed my mind and woke me the fuck up. Stop running away from what I want because I have to wait a bit.

Everyday I remind myself to go with the flow. Don’t expect anything and just adjust accordingly. I have control issues. I want to fix things, people, situations, and when I can’t I don’t like it. I had to learn to release the need for control because it built a lot of walls in my life.

I wake now mostly happy to see another day so that I can experience life one more day. I try to laugh as much as possible. I established a cry zone in my bathtub. When I feel the urge to cry and I’m at home I have to do it here. I had to learn to allow myself to feel and go through emotions rather than suppress them and use other coping methods to get through. It’s a process…I’m still grieving and I now know that’s ok. Time doesn’t heal anything only we have the power to do that ourselves.

This weekend was much needed. I divided and conquered a couple of states, while also spending time with a couple special people. I was able to be a friend, give and receive some love, finish a book, start a new one, finally get a new laptop, GO TO THE BEACH, and just relax kid free.

One minor hiccup tried to throw a bend in my peacefulness but I plucked it right out of my field of view. It takes practice for a short tempered and impatient individual to make these changes and I’m very proud of myself. I’m sure you’re tired of reading that but if you knew me, you’d be happy too! This is the most love and growth I’ve seen in myself. I was not able to leave the beach without encountering someone who wanted to strike up a random conversation lol. In the elevator almost to my car, a lady commented on the fact that our nail polish was the same. That conversation led to how she misses her estranged daughter. It never fails!

In my mind, I’m a real life Olivia Pope. And not because I want to be but because I feel that’s my purpose in this lifetime. Not so much to fix people and situations but to be understanding to their issues, listen, give sound advice where I can and just be a friend in that moment. I’ve had total strangers tell me their life story. Cry about a situation their facing or ask me advice. These are people who do not know me and I don’t know them. And no matter how much I don’t want to be bothered. A little light inside me ignites and I listen. I be the friend they wish they had for that moment. And if my life’s purpose is just to be a positive momentary friend for those in need, I welcome it. I just have to learn how to unload their energy.

Through the craziness, I love it here in this moment. I love this new version of me…what I thought was a shit show of my life, has been a long life lesson and blessing in disguise. I woke up, pulled the dark curtains back and to my surprise the sun shines so bright and I am able to see that I learned to love me…all of ME! Embracing my new normal and new version of myself.