Friendship is trust, care, sharing, responsibility, loyalty, understanding and support.
A friend is someone who understands your past,
doesn't judge you,
believe in your future,
supports and accepts you today the way you are...
Enjoy every moment with friends.
Today's beautiful moments are tomorrow's beautiful memories.
I have had some good ones and I have had some shitty ones.
Regardless of the outcome, I appreciate them all because they are serving or have served their purpose.
What a better way to start the weekend! Spend some time with your dearest friend(s).
I’m the weird person who has a song associated to every major or memorable life event. Happy or sad occasion, I have a song that will take me right back to that specific day and time as if time hasn’t lapsed.
Currently it’s Good Days by SZA. Until this particular day, I had never truly listened to this song…I had just done one of the last things I ever wanted to do in life alone. Physically alone, because Brother was on the phone.
I was making my Mother’s final arrangements while she was still alive…
The hospice nurse thought that it would be easier to handle before rather than during this transition. I cannot tell you how much I tried to prepare myself for this. I couldn’t. My heart raced. I was fucking scared. I screamed. I was fucking angry. I threw shit, I banged shit and I broke shit. I just wanted to end the entire world. I didn’t give a fuck about anything or anyone at this point. I have never been here and I was completely ALONE. I am nearing the point where I have to tell my Mother, Goodbye. Goodbye. The word we did not say. See You later was our term. Goodbye was FOREVER. This felt like someone stabbing me in my chest and turning the knife counterclockwise. Over and over again, while I just sat and endured the pain. Digging deeper and deeper past my physical body and deep into my soul. My muthafuckin SOUL was aching!!! Do you understand what kind of pain that is???
After I sit in the car and give myself multiple pep talks, I walk inside. I’ve called because I don’t want to do too much talking. I’m 100% sure I’m going to fucking cry. I sit, shake and fiddle endlessly inside the funeral home. I still cannot make sense of me choosing a casket and vault for my Mother who is very much alive. I have not made peace with her transitioning soon. I don’t want this to be true. This woman…was not just my Mother…she was the truest of my true friends. She was my everything. I sat quietly with my Brother on FaceTime. I am sure to refer to her in the present because she is very much alive.
This is just planning. “Girl you are just planning, this does not mean anything.Get it together!”, I tell myself over and over again. I’ve been here before. But this time is different. THIS IS MY MOTHER!
I remember countless random conversations that we had about end of life. Things she said she wanted and things she absolutely did not want. Her biggest hell no was being put on display. We shared the same sentiment in this regard. I am just me. She was just she. She didn’t think she was pretty and neither do me. (That was our rhyme…❤️) We we just we. No label. In competition with no one. But one thing was for certain. We did not want people looking/staring at us. It’s funny because as I sat there at the table with the Funeral Director, I laughed. My Mom was truly a nut. Always being silly. (I’m sure that’s where I got it from) If someone stared at her a moment too long, she’d stick out her tongue. Smh. A grown woman. She was she, as I said. There was no one else like her and she didn’t give a shit. I loved that about her. She didn’t care what anybody thought. Her life was her own and she made of it what she wanted. No one else mattered. Except me and Tonka Truck Head lol. That was one thing that she always taught me. She’d say, “You are magical girl. There’s no one like you. Never let anyone dull your sparkle. And you better not come down off your thrown for no woman or man. I create nothing but greatness!” Once I got older I’d laugh at her speech. I thought it was funny…magical…ok Mom… (P.S. I’m a mermaid 🙄)
“No cars, no church. Private graveside service. I’ve already purchased the plot. Short, simple and sweet. No wake/viewing. No newspaper announcement. Immediate family viewing only after My Brother & I’s approval. I will write the obituary and complete the program. I’d like to assist with the design of the programs.”..I word vomited it all while tapping my foot and staring at the clock on the wall. All I could think was I have to wrap this up and get back to Best Friend. She is probably wondering what is taking me so long. She hated when I said I’d be right back and it was hours later. Say what you mean and mean what you say…that was her motto. And she stuck by it and tried to hold everyone else to it too.
I asked Brother if I covered it all, he agreed and I hurry the hell out of there. When I step outside and the sun hit me, I dropped my mask and take the deepest breath I could. My chest feels like ten elephants are sitting on top of me. I get in the car, hang up with Brother and head back to Best Friend. I get this strong feeling that she need me. She swears we were telepathic. I always played along. But foreal though…Mom I’m coming was what I was subconciously thinking just in case this shit was true. At this point, I believe in genies, fairies, vampires, zombies, heaven & hell, angels, Iron Man, WonderWoman, shit Donkey Kong. I reverted to an entire child again wanting nothing more than my Mother. If you don’t know how that feels, well I can’t make you. Believe me I don’t ever want to be there again.
I run not one but two red lights. I don’t even care. Mail me a ticket. I gotta get across town. I get a text from my aunt. Come on back now. I’m on the way Auntie…as fast as I can promise me. I reach the light not even a half a mile from her…
I sit and wait for it to turn green….I hear SZA and I sit and stare beyond what’s in front of me to listen,
Good day in my mind, safe to take a step out
Get some air now, let your edge out
Too soon, I spoke, you be heavy in my mind
Can you get the heck out?
I need rest now…
Good Days by SZA
The song is interrupted when my phone rings…I look down and it’s the hospice nurse. My body instantly turns into an ice block, my heart seems to stop and I feel like every piece of hair I have on me is standing straight up. She asks me if anyone had called me. I hesitate to reply. I am approaching the stop sign to turn into the facility parking lot. I’ve never really been scared like this in my life. I didn’t want to hear anything she had to say other than my Mother was speaking or something positive. She says, I’m sorry Hun, your Mother passed away about 10 minutes ago…..she continues to talk and I hear absolute. nothing.
I can’t tell you what happened. I just remember being in the hallway sliding down the wall to avoid hitting the floor. The nurse walks me to her side because I’m adamant that I see her. I enter her room and I’m met with my Mother, who looks like she’s sleeping.
The little girl inside me is kicking, screaming and yelling. Her Mother is gone. On the exterior, all I can do is silently cry and hold her hand….my Best Friend is gone. What in the entire fuck!!!
What part of the game of Life is this???
My Mother was a huge lover of all music. It is why I use music to get through so much in life. It why it is always playing around me. It’s not surprising that of all songs to play, this one was playing when I was told she had transitioned. Right down to the words…she was heavy on my mind and heart before I got the call. And just the mere title of the song confirms for me that she was ok…and that she didn’t want me to be sad. It was a Good Day. She was no longer suffering, no longer depending on someone else to care for her when we know that she hated it.
So, this song lyrics loop through my head several times a day right now. It triggers so much for me. Sometimes I hear it and I can smile, knowing that we had some good damn days. And other times I can hear it and cry, knowing that this was the song that I was listening to when I was told that she’d left me.
It costs absolutely nothing to be nice to somone. You never know what type of demons they are fighting. You could be, do or say the one positive thing they need at the moment to get them through.
When I woke this morning as usual I thanked those that had a hand in waking me up. I thanked them for all that I have and all that I’m to receive. This is normally how I start my day before I fall out of my bed. I don’t have to move, I just lay or sit in silence and give gratitude for the good things, the bad things, all things…because they all have a purpose.
Afterwards, I rolled over on my back and stared at the ceiling. The thought that came across my mind was, “I am just exisitng these days…what happened?” I have no true schedule, no routine. My life is like a Christmas snowglobe that someone curiously picked up off a shelf and shook the fuck out of. There’s shit everywhere (figuratively of course, because I’m a little OCD), everything is out of place, and there is no order. Chaos. Things are so shaken up that you can’t tell what use to be where.
I’m in the process of trying to sort it all out. I’m taking some time to myself. Not that this is out of the norm but right now I have to find me. Like really find me. Somewhere between December 2020 and April 2021, I lost the person I once knew. And I joke that I’ve sustained quite a few head injuries in the past year so my memory is not the greatest because of that. But I’m so serious.
Today after lots of reflection, I made the conscious decision to live and to find a way to do so everyday when I wake. Because when you just merely exist you tend to fade away, you miss out on the joy and peace that this lifetime has to offer. My intention is never to fade away but to live in the moment, spread love and genuinely be happy. (I promise I was a hippie in one of my past lives) I don’t think I can do any of those things by merely existing. And there are no memories in just existing.
After sitting with myself most of the day I answered myself… I don’t need a routine. I just need to live…
I have to stop trying to control every aspect of life with a schedule or a routine. And instead, go with the flow.
And then I asked myself how do i began…
Awakened by Jeanette Collins
Be kind, keep quiet and don’t look for the company of those who gossip or talk too much. Even if you’re feeling lonely. Better you stay alone.
I remember napping away my childhood. And I don’t mean a light 30 minute siesta to revitalize you and give you a little more energy to make it until the end of the day. I honestly can never use the word nap. I completely go to sleep. LOL. If I ever say I’m going to lay down for a little bit. Just say Goodnight.
I slept so much to avoid life. My world since I can remember has been pretty chaotic. The only way I was ever able to escape it was by writing, reading orrrrrrrrr sleeping. You guessed it!
Here was the typical day of my 9-10 year old self:
Around 5am, my Mom would wake me so that I could get up and get ready for school. She had to go to work and she didn’t drive. So she rode with my Grandmother and some other ladies who were fortunate enough to be able to carpool to work about 40 minutes away from where we lived. Since both my Mom and Grandmother were working I had to spend the hours before school with my Great Grandparents.
Back then your Great Grandparents house was not where you wanted to be, lol. They were truly old. Like in their 70s, 80s. They were very religious and somewhat strict. Luckily my Great Grandmother was almost blind and my Great Grandfather had narcolespsy. (Well I diagnosed him because he’d fall asleep anywhere in any condition or stature). I loved them both dearly even though my Great Grandfather could be mean as fire.
Anyways, I’d spend about 2 hours with them and either I’d walk to school with my cousins or my Great Grandfather would drive us all in his Pontiac. (One can only imagine how long that took…) I’d go to school for what felt like forever. Being bullied, getting picked on just to get on the bus with the same kids and they’d act like we were the best of friends. In hindsight 20/20, I began to dislike people at quite a young age smh.
Once the bell rang at the end of the day, I’d either wait for my cousins and walk home, or my Great Grandfather would be waiting near the Gator on the side of the street to pick us up in…you guessed it…his Pontiac lol. My Mom and Grandmother were still at work, my closest Aunt would still be at work as well so it was back to ranch with the Great Grandparents. We always had a snack after school or my Great Grandmother would be getting things together to start dinner for the evening. My Grandfather was a longstanding community entreprenuer so he was usually found sleeping in his barber chair that was located in his little barbershop right outside the house in the yard. (At this point, I’m going to say I got my sleeping from my Great Grandfather!) Sometimes we’d help. Most times we could be found in the den watching the afterschool specials. I’m not going to tell my age by letting you know what I watched LOL.
Sometimes I would make it through the after school specials before falling alseep. Other times, I’d fall asleep after the intro of the first show. Guess it depended upon if I had PE that day, I don’t know. I was not a big child. I was actually the opposite. Real thin, picky eater but always hungry, didn’t/couldn’t gain weight. Just terrible, skin and bones. I’d wake up to either the news or Ricky Lake…smh. Sometimes even later, like the news would come on and I’d be awaken by my Mother either yelling at me to get up, or she’d come in the house singing, beat knocking on the door or she’d just come in and push me to wake me up. She never waited for a ride home. We always walked unless it was raining.
That after school “nap” got worse the older I got. So bad that in high school, my Mom brought me a pregnancy test. Oh my goodness Mother. I was not sexually active yet, let alone pregnant. I was tired of life already! And I was only about 15 or 16. I remember it like it was yesterday. By this time, I was living with my Grandparents because I wanted to play sports and be active as a teenager and my Grandparents were a tad bit more lenient than my Mom. Plus they had cars. Nothing against my Mom, she was great but I wanted a social life. She didn’t want me to have one. (And now I know why lol)That was best friend. She wanted me all to herself. I understand now that I have children of my own.
I never got up early on Saturday mornings, unless I had to function as the Secretary for the Women’s Auxillary at church. This was one caveat to living with my Grandparents. I had to go to church as if my life depended on it. Ugh. Sacraficial lamb I was…my cousins didn’t have to endure such craziness. (Looking back now, I’m happy I experienced it all) I always smelled my Grandmother cooking breakfast, however it did not entice me to get the fawk up in anyway. I’d be hungry but I wanted to sleep as much of the day away as possible. I smell bacon and my Mom bursts in my bedroom and sits on the platform where I laid sometimes to read, just listen to the rain or pretend I was a dancer. (Do not judge me and no I still cannot dance lol) She yells my name. I already know she’s in the room, hence her bursting through the door. She was always so silly. I answer her. She asks me why am I sleep. Really Mom? I tell her because it’s morning lol. She hated when I got smart with her, but she would get smart with me all the time. Now wasn’t the time to play with her though. I couldn’t move fast enough to get away from her. She pulls a pregnancy test out of her pocket and throws it on the bed. She tells me i’m going to take it. I am so confused. Why is this happening? She said all you do is sleep. You have to be pregnant. So here’s a fun fact, I babysat my younger brother ALL THE TIME! Took him to school, picked him up, etc. I honestly did not want anyone’s kid lol.
To appease her I get up to go downstairs to take this God awful test. She tells me “Hell No!”. What now!!!??? She proceeds to tell me that I’m going to take the test in front of her…uh oh ok. But I still need to go to the bathroom. Nope she doesn’t want me to leave my bedroom. What in the hell Mother? How??? She leave out and comes back with a paint bucket from my Grandfather’s workshed outside. I look up to the ceiling and silently say Lord this lady is being crazy again, come help me. That was my routine silent prayer whenever my Mom did something out of left field or something that just made no sense. Looking at the bucket, I have to send up one more prayer, Lord please don’t let me have to need a shot of some sort after this. This bucket has cement on the sides and everything else. Hell My Grandfather probably peed in this bucket. I really peed in a bucket while she instructed me on how to take this damn pregnancy test. (That goes down as the first pregnancy test I ever took. And I took it with my Mom. WOW!) Smh.
That killed my nap vibe until I graduated from High School. When I joined the Army and was living on my own, I welcomed it back until I had children. And guess what. No one thought I was pregnant LOL.
I shared that wonderful story in appreciation of Nap Day, which is TODAY!!! For some people, naps are as restorative as a whole night of sleep. Unfortunately for me it is a whole night or day of sleep. A healthy adult doesn’t need to nap, but can benefit from a nap of 10-20 minutes. There is some evidence that older adults may benefit from napping for an hour in the afternoon. Now let me say that I am not a medical profession. I practice Google Medicine sometimes but that’s about it.
So I hope you were able to celebrate the day by taking a nap! In order to reap its benefits make sure you have a good sleep environment with good room temperature (a fan), and limited light and noise. Also, make sure that you aren’t taking a nap too close to the morning or evening. This could cause you to wake up and think you missed work which will lead to running around the house thinking you’re late lol. Besides napping in your bed, try taking a nap in on a comfy sofa, or in a hammock outside. Even though it may not be the best for light or noise, taking a nap on a towel at the beach is also a calming. Don’t lay there too long…because well…the sun.
If that tickled your fancy, check out some of my latest blog posts…
In My Unapologetic Life... 