People who are able to express themselves easily will never understand how liberating this feels. All it takes is 6 simple words sometimes. And as simple as that sounds it still doesn’t make expressing myself any easier. The topic was negativity…maybe tomorrow I can try being more positive. Giving myself some grace today…
I woke up sad and unhappy. I tried to smile but cried. I really hate it here today. I threw all their toys away. Praying the heartache and pain away. I painted my entire day away. All I hear; “Oh,it’s ok!” Sick of just hearing, “I understand”. The conversation is almost always abandoned. I’m so sick of feeling empty. Life is such a miserable place. Why live when we can die? Why love when we can hate? How much more can I lose? How much more can I take? I have no living parents here. I want to run far away. Where the trees and sky meet. I want water at my feet. I want sun on my face. It usually makes me feel okay. I just want to be happy. I just want some damn peace. Hell no I am not OK! Grief is such a muthafuckin beast.
Every month it’s almost as if I forget that this day exists. That is until I completely wake up from the dream of March 26, 2021.
I should have remembered today because today is the due date for my state license renewal. I can hear you clearly saying “Don’t you fuck up what you got going on for me!” I open my eyes, just to make note of where I am…this day is usually just terribly painful. Tears start to roll down my face as I see your face on the throw on my resting chair across the room. It’s not a bad dream…it’s just my reality.
The day is September 26, 2021 and it’s been 6 months today…they say this gets easier huh??? It absolutely does not. Every month I’m alone on this day. And now it almost seems purposefully so.
In my head, I tell myself I need to be outside. I imagine the Sunday’s we spent on the deck with the music playing and you drinking your hot beer…eww…that’s not something I can indulge in as a memory but I think I can handle the rest. I want to be in the backyard today, with some drinks and music. Maybe plant some flowers and lay in the hammock.
I try to continue with my morning “routine” but it’s not working. I look for my phone because I don’t know what time it is. It’s dead. I guess, I fell asleep before putting it on the charger again. A “Good Morning Queen…” text warms my body a little. Neither of us appear to be having a really good morning. I hate this…
I get my fur son and head outside…maybe it will make me feel better. Joint between my fingers and lighter in my hand, I sit in my hammock and just exist for a moment. I really hate it here…I hate this part of life…the inevitable part that can’t be controlled…it hurts and there seems to be nothing to dull the pain. Who am I kidding??? I can’t do anything today…
I want some ink. I want to pierce something. I just need a little physical pain inflicted to relieve the emotional torture behind my fake smile and laughter. I sit on my bed and memories of when I use to write poems and put on a show in the living room for my Mom flood my mind. It was interesting being an only child for a while. We did weird things like this to past time and forget everything that was going on around us. I guess most would call that bonding. My Mom would play jazz quietly in the background. I’d use the floor lamp as my mic stand. I’d dress up and get in my element. She seldom encouraged my imaginative play so whenever she did, I made sure to make was a showstopper.
As an avid fan of poetry and music, a true nerd, I opted to end this blog post with a short short story. If you’re not familiar, read on…
It is said that the author Ernest Hemingway while out to lunch one day, bet a table full of fellow writers that he could write a short story in just 6 words. Although his fellow writers had their doubts, they each wagered $10 to put Hemingway to the test. As the story goes, Hemingway believed the resulting story to be his finest work ever. You can read it here.
In the footsteps of a legend, today I share my 6 word short short story…always and forever in my heart Mother…
I sit in this Mom & Pop Diner waiting for the waitress to take my order. Behind the counter is one cook, 2 waitresses and there is a waiter and waitress sitting at the end of the bar eating. I’m assuming their shift hasn’t began yet. People are coming and going to pick up food and place orders.
My son and I sit patiently. Waiting for the waitress who said just a moment 20 minutes ago to come back. She’s now at the counter taking the order of someone who walked in the door.
Normally I would have piped up and made it known that waiting this long is unacceptable for a paying patron. But what do I have to do today? I took the day off for court in hopes that I’d be having a celebration later. Nope. My overall mood is blah. And I’m guessing my aura is a grayish hue…
The gentleman next to me took a couple of phone calls. Just from looking at him I could tell he was a Vet. I take a good look at him and notice his Air Force hat. My son is quiet still and taps me to let me know he’s thirsty. I look up and all the waitresses are standing near each other chatting.
I motion for one of them to come to me. One lady looks at me in disgust. In my mind I say “Heffa…I know damn well you don’t have an attitude!” However what leaves my lips is totally different. I say “Ma’am we’ve been waiting for a while. I’ve had my order taken but I’d greatly appreciate it if I could get my drinks.” I’m asked twice what drinks I had. I calmly repeat my drinks. Finally my son is able to wet his whistle. I shake my head in disbelief and I just stare out the window.
I’m thinking. Not about how long I’ve waited for my food but just about this life. I’m trying to disassociate myself from court and that entire situation that is causing me to be in a blah mood. I want to scream and yell. I want to break shit. I want to shoot something. I just want to be destructive. On the inside I am so angry it is crazy.
The gentleman gets my attention and asks how long I’ve been waiting. I tell him I honestly lost track of time but I’ve been patient. He gets the attention of one of the waiters and asks about my order. Now I see that he either has ties to the restaurant or he’s an owner. One of the waitresses come to me to confirm my order.
You would not believe that they didn’t put in my order or it was lost. Either way my food had not been made. I put my head down.
I shouldn’t cry over food. I’m not wanting to cry about the food or the lack thereof. I’m just tired of life. I’m tired of not being heard, shadowed, and overlooked when I need to be visible. I’ve already been that loud, obnoxious, irritating, disrespectful, immature young woman. I made a change because I have a daughter. And how I once acted is not how I would like her to present herself in life.
They confirm my order was not entered. They ask for my order again. I close my eyes and I hold my hands under the table. I want to hit something or someone. I open my eyes and take a deep breath. I slowly tell the waitress my order. She apologizes and tells me it will be up shortly. The gentleman looks at me and says your food is free today. You will not pay after waiting this long and having to remind them. This is unacceptable. I know the owner and he is watching this place when he’s not here.
A gentleman to my right begins to tell me how the Air Force veteran is a great man and he has encountered him numerous times and still doesn’t know his name but knows he’s a genuinely good man and wonderful mentor. He spoke to me about conducting myself just as I did this morning in all facets of life. That there is a blessing in silence. We chatted for a little and then the waiter interrupted us with my food. He told me to enjoy and have a blessed day. I thanked him again, my son thanked him and we exited the restaurant.
After an interaction as such I would never return to an establishment. But I really liked this place before ownership changed. It may take a while but I will go back. In the meantime, I have to do something to lift my spirits…
Never do I feel compelled to write when I’m happy, only when I’m sad, hurting or angry…
It’s rare that I just sit…like just literally sit and do nothing.
I did that today. For once, I honestly wanted to talk to someone…but I don’t want to be a bother…and I don’t want to be interrupted…and I don’t want to be criticized…and I don’t want to be dismissed…I felt like I had too many stipulations for a conversation so I opted to just sit…
One question came to mind…
Why are you so nice?
EveryFuckingOne
This is such a loaded question. I’m sure most people could spit a response out quicker than I could blink. Me, however by the time the question is fully formed, I’ve ruined the conversation a million times in my head. And the only suitable response is “I don’t know.” This is the one response I dislike for my children to give me. I always explain to the them that they experience an emotion based on a thought or a feeling. And if you are feeling a certain type of way there is an emotion to describe why you feel this way. I give them examples…I am sad because you yelled. I am angry because I want to play. I am hurt because I fell down. I am happy because I have ice cream.
It was time to re-evaluate myself, my life and the circumstances that I’ve created…and so many thoughts flood my mind…dammit, didn’t we do this in Miami? UGHHHHHHHH
The world has been unkind for as long as I can remember. But my Mom always said we had to be the difference we want to see in the world.
It takes nothing to be kind right…shiiiiiiiit…it also takes thick skin, therapy, tequila, shrooms, weed and a few close friends.
Truth be told, I am nice to people mostly because I was raised to treat others how I want to be treated and not in response to how they treat me. This is a positive and negative personality trait to have. But just because I’m nice doesn’t mean I trust you 100%. I will give you enough rope to either hang yourself or show me that you’re loyal. Tests are not games, but merely a way of gauging how to handle a person. Given the damage on the exterior of my heart, I think I am allowed to perform such tests. And I wouldn’t oblige if someone tested me…
Acceptance
Opening up your heart to someone is the epitome of vulnerability. I haven’t done it a lot in life. But for every time that I have, I’ve lost that person. The most recent episode of life has put me in such a place that I am truly afraid of letting my guard down. I think I owe it to myself to be a little guarded to avoid getting into any more situations that will leave me “hurt”.
I can honestly say that I am afraid of getting hurt again. I don’t know that I will recover…
After my session with my therapist on yesterday, we agreed that I needed to work on healing my inner child. You see I didn’t really have a true childhood. Every since I can remember, my Mom was teaching me about life and the bullshit it brings. She taught me the people to stay away from. She taught me to “listen to the tiny voice in my head” or the distinct feelings that I get when I’m about to do something or around someone. Then I moved into the role of caregiver. I helped take care of my younger Brother. I helped my Great Grandparents after school. I may have been able to play outside but my mind was never really that of a child. I feel like Michael Jackson without the riches.
Michael Jackson: a child who didn’t get to truly experience childhood and as an adult with the means to do so, took on a child-like imaginative life in attempts to make up for missing said childhood
Now I don’t have a Neverland…and I don’t invite over other people children to “play” with them. That’s weird. But I do often times buy my kids things that I wish I had growing up so that I can play with them. Rarely are they actual toys. I mean things like our trampoline, electric scooter, video games, board games, etc. And it’s generally short lived. Well…I do tend to jump on the trampoline quite regularly. My kids however rarely go outside so it’s cool to say the trampoline is really mine…
I was told by someone that I love dearly that I have this emotional wall up and I don’t let them in. One thing about me is I encourage people to talk to me…but me completely opening up is like a snail crossing the street. It takes me time…and a lot of it…
I sat with this comment and I thought about it long and hard. He’s right. I am cautious of everyone and everything. I think A LOT. I do not trust easily and I stay guarded. All of these things are to protect me and my feelings. It would take me a lifetime to tell you all the things I’ve been through to explain why I am the way I am. But I shut down easily. I don’t chase people. I don’t beg anyone for anything not even attention. Naturally I like to be alone. And after sitting for a while I realize that I sat in a mute relationship for so long that my communication skills now suck.
I can own that and I need to work on me…I need to completely heal from all the bullshit in my past. I’ve been good about burying it and pretending none of it happened but shit has a way of haunting you…aka triggering
So I discussed this with my therapist and we (my therapist) thought completing the Recovery of the Inner Child workbook would help. I only got about 8 pages in last night and went to sleep. Let me tell you I had the worse nightmare…
In this nightmare, I was myself as a child rocking ponytails with hair bows, a jean jumpsuit, T-shirt that said “Awesome Kid” and some white Tommy Hilfiger canvas shoes. The entire interaction in the dream was so vivid and real. I couldn’t hear anything in the dream as if someone had hit the mute button on the audio in my dream. But all I kept hearing was a voice softly saying “I will never hurt you.” But what I was seeing and feeling was just that, “hurt and pain”. As I emerged from the corner of the room in my dream, the sound started to come back. I was crying and yelling “you lied to me”. I woke up drenched in sweat. And I was crying. I got up from bed to get myself together bc it was 3am and I needed to go back to sleep. It’s just a dream. Or was it? The soft voice was me speaking to the child (me). This shit is too deep…
I won’t go into detail about the dream but in 8 pages of a book and a dream that seems quite relative to its exercise. Living rent free in my mind is the thought that at some point in my life the people who claim to love me will hurt me. And the thought lingers because time and time again it has happened.
My inner child is hurting…and I have to love her and heal her…
When I feel as though I am being “hurt” by someone who said they love me, I as a child would run. That’s why I ran away as a child. The thought was that I could run away from the hurt and not have to experience it. That’s why I completely remove myself from situations as an adult. I don’t act erratic and dramatic…I just quietly disappear. It’s how I feel like I can protect myself. It’s exactly what I did in my dream. And there was no communication outside of me as a child yelling. The other people in the dream were silent.
I know I don’t communicate my feelings but this is out of fear. They’ve been dismissed and used against me so much that I’m just conditioned to bottling things inside. I can’t change in a day, this has been my life for 30+ years. It’s going to take a lot of work.
Although I already want to give up on this inner child healing, I’m going to keep trying. I see now that it is going to be painful af but if I don’t do it now then when will I? I literally put off anything and everything in life that may seemingly bring me pain.
So hang tight! Some days I may not have the energy to blog. But I and def going to try and I will continue with my Daily Positive because that does help me and some of my followers everyday. But I do want to document my experience as it may help someone else.
In My Unapologetic Life... 