Grieving Today…I lost my best friend
Today I woke up feeling the best I’ve felt in a while. Trying to stay committed to this SOCANOMICS May challenge to get me back to a place where I feel functional.
I woke before my alarm and immediately checked my phone for my Good Morning text. It was there and all was well with the world today. He said Good Morning and told me he was feeling great and asked how I felt. I felt good today. Those days don’t happen often enough.
I get myself ready for Morning Meditation and Journaling. I wanted to meditate outside on the deck but I didn’t want to put on clothes. So I retreated to my office to meditate. Got my laptop and headed to my workspace. Lit my candle and sat down on my floor pillow to wait for Ms. PJae to start meditation. I saw Ms. Gloria & Susan join and I realized I don’t know these women but every morning we start our day together. And we attempt to spread the positivity from our meditation to everyone we encounter all day.
I knew I had my VA disability rating appointment. I was anxious because I didn’t know what to expect. I don’t like not knowing. I like to be prepared.
I completed my workout for the morning. Made me a cup of tea and tried out my honey straws. (They were pretty neat if I must say so.) I sat in on a new hire training for work. Then I realized I needed to get dressed and leave for my appointment.
I get in my car get my music together because I have an hour and a half ride to this appointment. Really DVA?? Ugh ok. I make my way.
When the therapist greets me she tells me what the appointment is for and what she will be doing. My heart dropped in my stomach and fell out of my ass.
I did not want to revisit my MST. I was raped not once but twice when I was in the military. The shit was terrible. It’s the reason why I don’t trust people in general. It’s why I am overly cautious about my daughter and who she is around. It made me move very differently in life. This was dumb. Why was I having to do this. I couldn’t reschedule or I’d risk not getting another appointment for a while or not getting my increase.
I struggled through all of her questions. My mask was drenched with snot from crying. My face was swollen, my eyes were red and I could not stop crying. And I wasn’t just crying. I was sobbing. Like loud. Making very apparent audible noises like I was struggling to breathe at times. This shit hurt. I hated talking about it. I try so hard to forget that entire part of my life. Yet here we were. Peeling the scab off of my rape wound.
Concerned for my safety because I just could not get myself together the Doctor asks me to sit a moment and not drive while I was crying. I paused for a moment and told her I was ok. I definitely was not. My legs felt like noodles, my heart was racing, I now had a headache from crying and my face was just sore.
I googled the nearest beach. Yes I have to work this evening but I am not going to make it anywhere like this. I had to release all of this shit so that I could go back to the mediocre shit I was encountering.
I drive a little ways on base to the beach. I usually avoid military bases for obvious reasons. Men in uniform. The military period. It makes my skin crawl. It’s the Good Boys Club. They protect their own. And by any means necessary. I hate it.
But I love the beach….
I dig my feet deep into the sand and I just stand. I breathe. Rooted where I find the most peace and not caring what anyone else on the beach thinks about me at the moment. Listening to the waves hit the shore. And I hear a voice…
“You gotta do something different.” I hear you tiny voice. I’m trying. I’m trying my hardest here…