#therapy – In My Unapologetic Life…

Help

In an effort to take care of myself I got back into therapy after being noncompliant for over 2 years. In addition to me being noncompliant the availability of providers has been slim to none.

Nonetheless, I logged off from work, messaged my team that I was leaving my desk and that I’d be right back. I never thought I’d be sending someone a message to let them know I was on my way to the hospital.

I drove across town to my appointment only to be told my appointment was canceled. I didn’t care about the reason, I needed to be seen. To be heard. I can tell they were very familiar with crisis situations because when I lost it on the receptionist, the nurse instantly told me to take a deep breath but it was too late. This was the breaking point that Robin was talking about. I had met it. After closing my eyes and slightly yelling through my teeth, I took a deep breath and apologized to the ladies.

This next part is the part that scared me. I walked to my car. Before I got in, I threw my purse clean across the car. I got in, put my keys in the ignition and just sat there. Instantly all the feelings of the last 3.5 years hit me. I screamed, I had a full blown adult tantrum. I took some deep breaths and couldn’t get it together. For the third time in my life I decided to lean on the people who “got” me. One of my best friends was first because she’s in close proximity. She couldn’t answer. I moved down my list. Called my Brother. Texted. Facetimed. No one answered. I threw all my devices. Here I am, experiencing what I’d later find out was a mental breakdown and I had no one that could take a moment and answer to just show me they cared or that I mattered.

My next thought was to call my other half but lately when I try to express how I’m feeling, it ends in an argument and that in itself is triggering and I didn’t want to be blamed again for having feelings and stepping outside my box and sharing said feelings. In the midst of the chaos I grabbed my phone to call my Mom. And when it hit me that she was no longer here, I really lost it.

Anytime I ever called her, day or night, she answered and she listened. Without judgement. Without being a Mom and wanting to offer advice. I always told her she was so easy to talk to. But here I am breaking the fuck down and she’s not here. And to top it off heaven doesn’t have a phone. (Who built this place with no telecommunication? Doesn’t God know I NEED my Mother?) I instantly cycled through grief a million times at warp speed. Squeezing my eyes so tight because I kept seeing flashes of images and inaudible motion pictures of times I spent with my Mom, both my Grandfather’s, my Great Grandmas, My Great Grandfather, my Grandmother and then my Father. I have not sat down and just dealt with the fact that I cared for each and every one of those people and they are no longer here with me. Then thoughts of work and all I have to do flooded my thoughts. Things I wanted to do but couldn’t. People I wish I had but don’t.

I tried to dismantle the dashboard of my car. I felt alone in a world full of people. Here I am a woman with no source, no point of origin, just losing my shit second after minute. Home was not on my mind, I needed some immediate help. So once I could stop crying enough to drive, I made my way to the hospital. Yes, I. Needed. Help.

I walked into the hospital, I’m sure dishelved as ever with tears rolling down my face, hyperventilating and wheezing. I didn’t care who saw me. I didn’t care what anyone thought. I was actively losing my shit. And all by myself. The insurmountable thoughts that were swirling in my head were alarming. The lady at the information desk quietly walked me back to the mental health clinic. The receptionist that I usually laugh and joke with, looked concerned, she whispered to me to have a seat and she’d get someone out ASAP. As I sat in the corner my entire body tingled and trembled, and I just rocked back and forth sobbing like someone close to me had died all over again.

I felt like I had hit rock bottom. The nurse came to get me and as soon as she got me in her office, she asked if she could give me a hug. And this young lady hugged me like she was trying to absorb all the hurt, pain and anxiety I was experiencing. She patiently completed her assessment as I struggled to answer simple questions. And soon my PAC team was outside the door to “retrieve” me. They were ready to hospitalize me. And for once in my life, I was ready to go until a blink showed me a flash of my chocolate baby smiling. I cannot leave my kids, I have to get them from school. I left my PuppyBaby in my office and my FurSon was outside. My bonus son was starting basketball today and he was excited. “I can’t go, I gotta go home.”

I’m still worrying about everyone else except myself. And why? Because today I was shown don’t nobody got me like I got me. When everyone else disappoints me, I pick me up. When I’m downtrodden, I positively self talk bc who else has the time. I gotta care about me more than the people I care about. I have to prioritize my health before I crash out. Because my kids only have me…and I know the pain that comes with losing your Mother and I don’t want them to experience that any time soon.

Life didn’t stop. The world and the people in it still kept going. But if you or someone you know has PTSD, please try to understand what they are living with. Be supportive. The smallest compassionate gesture goes a long way. To all my veterans and grief stricken adults, it’s ok to not be ok and ask for help. I just pray that your help always comes or answers when you call.

If you’re struggling, it’s okay to share your feelings. Please reach out to someone. 988 Lifeline Chat and Text is a service of the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (formerly known as the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline), connecting individuals with crisis counselors for emotional support and other services via web chat or texting 988.

Healing my broken inner child…bc I’m no good for anyone or anything if I don’t heal myself…

Good Days

I’m the weird person who has a song associated to every major or memorable life event. Happy or sad occasion, I have a song that will take me right back to that specific day and time as if time hasn’t lapsed.

Currently it’s Good Days by SZA. Until this particular day, I had never truly listened to this song…I had just done one of the last things I ever wanted to do in life alone. Physically alone, because Brother was on the phone.

I was making my Mother’s final arrangements while she was still alive…

The hospice nurse thought that it would be easier to handle before rather than during this transition. I cannot tell you how much I tried to prepare myself for this. I couldn’t. My heart raced. I was fucking scared. I screamed. I was fucking angry. I threw shit, I banged shit and I broke shit. I just wanted to end the entire world. I didn’t give a fuck about anything or anyone at this point. I have never been here and I was completely ALONE. I am nearing the point where I have to tell my Mother, Goodbye. Goodbye. The word we did not say. See You later was our term. Goodbye was FOREVER. This felt like someone stabbing me in my chest and turning the knife counterclockwise. Over and over again, while I just sat and endured the pain. Digging deeper and deeper past my physical body and deep into my soul. My muthafuckin SOUL was aching!!! Do you understand what kind of pain that is???

After I sit in the car and give myself multiple pep talks, I walk inside. I’ve called because I don’t want to do too much talking. I’m 100% sure I’m going to fucking cry. I sit, shake and fiddle endlessly inside the funeral home. I still cannot make sense of me choosing a casket and vault for my Mother who is very much alive. I have not made peace with her transitioning soon. I don’t want this to be true. This woman…was not just my Mother…she was the truest of my true friends. She was my everything. I sat quietly with my Brother on FaceTime. I am sure to refer to her in the present because she is very much alive.

This is just planning. “Girl you are just planning, this does not mean anything. Get it together!”, I tell myself over and over again. I’ve been here before. But this time is different. THIS IS MY MOTHER!

I remember countless random conversations that we had about end of life. Things she said she wanted and things she absolutely did not want. Her biggest hell no was being put on display. We shared the same sentiment in this regard. I am just me. She was just she. She didn’t think she was pretty and neither do me. (That was our rhyme…❤️) We we just we. No label. In competition with no one. But one thing was for certain. We did not want people looking/staring at us. It’s funny because as I sat there at the table with the Funeral Director, I laughed. My Mom was truly a nut. Always being silly. (I’m sure that’s where I got it from) If someone stared at her a moment too long, she’d stick out her tongue. Smh. A grown woman. She was she, as I said. There was no one else like her and she didn’t give a shit. I loved that about her. She didn’t care what anybody thought. Her life was her own and she made of it what she wanted. No one else mattered. Except me and Tonka Truck Head lol. That was one thing that she always taught me. She’d say, “You are magical girl. There’s no one like you. Never let anyone dull your sparkle. And you better not come down off your thrown for no woman or man. I create nothing but greatness!” Once I got older I’d laugh at her speech. I thought it was funny…magical…ok Mom… (P.S. I’m a mermaid 🙄)

“No cars, no church. Private graveside service. I’ve already purchased the plot. Short, simple and sweet. No wake/viewing. No newspaper announcement. Immediate family viewing only after My Brother & I’s approval. I will write the obituary and complete the program. I’d like to assist with the design of the programs.”..I word vomited it all while tapping my foot and staring at the clock on the wall. All I could think was I have to wrap this up and get back to Best Friend. She is probably wondering what is taking me so long. She hated when I said I’d be right back and it was hours later. Say what you mean and mean what you say…that was her motto. And she stuck by it and tried to hold everyone else to it too.

I asked Brother if I covered it all, he agreed and I hurry the hell out of there. When I step outside and the sun hit me, I dropped my mask and take the deepest breath I could. My chest feels like ten elephants are sitting on top of me. I get in the car, hang up with Brother and head back to Best Friend. I get this strong feeling that she need me. She swears we were telepathic. I always played along. But foreal though…Mom I’m coming was what I was subconciously thinking just in case this shit was true. At this point, I believe in genies, fairies, vampires, zombies, heaven & hell, angels, Iron Man, WonderWoman, shit Donkey Kong. I reverted to an entire child again wanting nothing more than my Mother. If you don’t know how that feels, well I can’t make you. Believe me I don’t ever want to be there again.

I run not one but two red lights. I don’t even care. Mail me a ticket. I gotta get across town. I get a text from my aunt. Come on back now. I’m on the way Auntie…as fast as I can promise me. I reach the light not even a half a mile from her…

I sit and wait for it to turn green….I hear SZA and I sit and stare beyond what’s in front of me to listen,

Good day in my mind, safe to take a step out
Get some air now, let your edge out
Too soon, I spoke, you be heavy in my mind
Can you get the heck out?
I need rest now…
Good Days by SZA

The song is interrupted when my phone rings…I look down and it’s the hospice nurse. My body instantly turns into an ice block, my heart seems to stop and I feel like every piece of hair I have on me is standing straight up. She asks me if anyone had called me. I hesitate to reply. I am approaching the stop sign to turn into the facility parking lot. I’ve never really been scared like this in my life. I didn’t want to hear anything she had to say other than my Mother was speaking or something positive. She says, I’m sorry Hun, your Mother passed away about 10 minutes ago…..she continues to talk and I hear absolute. nothing.

I can’t tell you what happened. I just remember being in the hallway sliding down the wall to avoid hitting the floor. The nurse walks me to her side because I’m adamant that I see her. I enter her room and I’m met with my Mother, who looks like she’s sleeping.

The little girl inside me is kicking, screaming and yelling. Her Mother is gone. On the exterior, all I can do is silently cry and hold her hand….my Best Friend is gone. What in the entire fuck!!!

What part of the game of Life is this???

My Mother was a huge lover of all music. It is why I use music to get through so much in life. It why it is always playing around me. It’s not surprising that of all songs to play, this one was playing when I was told she had transitioned. Right down to the words…she was heavy on my mind and heart before I got the call. And just the mere title of the song confirms for me that she was ok…and that she didn’t want me to be sad. It was a Good Day. She was no longer suffering, no longer depending on someone else to care for her when we know that she hated it.

So, this song lyrics loop through my head several times a day right now. It triggers so much for me. Sometimes I hear it and I can smile, knowing that we had some good damn days. And other times I can hear it and cry, knowing that this was the song that I was listening to when I was told that she’d left me.

It costs absolutely nothing to be nice to somone. You never know what type of demons they are fighting. You could be, do or say the one positive thing they need at the moment to get them through.
-me

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Month Four

Here I am, 4 months after your transition…

Still not easier…in fact, it’s harder than last month.

I temporarily lost access to my best friend. The love of my life. The other half of my soul.

I reflect on how I wish you were able to meet him. He’s really a great guy. I can only imagine the conversations that you two would have had. Oh my goodness. You’d talk for hours. He’s the one that would have a beer with you. I even think, he would of been the one that could sweet talk you out of the house on a trip with us.

There is still so much I want to pick up the phone and talk to you about. My feelings, what’s going on, and get your advice, hear you sing or make a joke about anything and everything.

Your picture scrolled across my TV when it went to sleep yesterday. I looked at it and smiled. It was Brother’s going away party. You were standing next to him with his friends. I remember that day like it was yesterday. You were tired that day and you didn’t feel well but you made your way to his party. The party that I orchestrated. You were ready to go before it got dark so that you were at home. It was super hot outside and for a moment I had to make you come inside. You were sweating profusely and just didn’t want to be around “family”. Oh I understand now. Hell I don’t want to be around them now myself.

I sometimes find myself mad that I didn’t understand things that you told me growing up. And then I think maybe back then those weren’t things that I needed to understand. But now I have so many questions. I can hear you now. “Just shut up talking and listen! You ask so many damn questions. Inquisitive Ivy…” LOL. I loved it. You may have been one of few people who walked this earth who can make me hush.

There are days where I really forget that you are truly gone. And when I remember it hurts like it’s Day One all over again. I restart the stages of grief at least a few times a week. But it is ok. My new grief counselor says it’s normal. You never get over it. You learn to live with it…now that sounds better than time heals all wounds.