~California Dreamer~

Getting Grounded

Today I woke up feeling the best I’ve felt in a while. Trying to stay committed to this SOCANOMICS May challenge to get me back to a place where I feel functional.

I woke before my alarm and immediately checked my phone for my Good Morning text. It was there and all was well with the world today. He said Good Morning and told me he was feeling great and asked how I felt. I felt good today. Those days don’t happen often enough.

I get myself ready for Morning Meditation and Journaling. I wanted to meditate outside on the deck but I didn’t want to put on clothes. So I retreated to my office to meditate. Got my laptop and headed to my workspace. Lit my candle and sat down on my floor pillow to wait for Ms. PJae to start meditation. I saw Ms. Gloria & Susan join and I realized I don’t know these women but every morning we start our day together. And we attempt to spread the positivity from our meditation to everyone we encounter all day.

I knew I had my VA disability rating appointment. I was anxious because I didn’t know what to expect. I don’t like not knowing. I like to be prepared.

I completed my workout for the morning. Made me a cup of tea and tried out my honey straws. (They were pretty neat if I must say so.) I sat in on a new hire training for work. Then I realized I needed to get dressed and leave for my appointment.

I get in my car get my music together because I have an hour and a half ride to this appointment. Really DVA?? Ugh ok. I make my way.

When the therapist greets me she tells me what the appointment is for and what she will be doing. My heart dropped in my stomach and fell out of my ass.

I did not want to revisit my MST. I was raped not once but twice when I was in the military. The shit was terrible. It’s the reason why I don’t trust people in general. It’s why I am overly cautious about my daughter and who she is around. It made me move very differently in life. This was dumb. Why was I having to do this. I couldn’t reschedule or I’d risk not getting another appointment for a while or not getting my increase.

I struggled through all of her questions. My mask was drenched with snot from crying. My face was swollen, my eyes were red and I could not stop crying. And I wasn’t just crying. I was sobbing. Like loud. Making very apparent audible noises like I was struggling to breathe at times. This shit hurt. I hated talking about it. I try so hard to forget that entire part of my life. Yet here we were. Peeling the scab off of my rape wound.

Concerned for my safety because I just could not get myself together the Doctor asks me to sit a moment and not drive while I was crying. I paused for a moment and told her I was ok. I definitely was not. My legs felt like noodles, my heart was racing, I now had a headache from crying and my face was just sore.

I googled the nearest beach. Yes I have to work this evening but I am not going to make it anywhere like this. I had to release all of this shit so that I could go back to the mediocre shit I was encountering.

I drive a little ways on base to the beach. I usually avoid military bases for obvious reasons. Men in uniform. The military period. It makes my skin crawl. It’s the Good Boys Club. They protect their own. And by any means necessary. I hate it.

But I love the beach….

I dig my feet deep into the sand and I just stand. I breathe. Rooted where I find the most peace and not caring what anyone else on the beach thinks about me at the moment. Listening to the waves hit the shore. And I hear a voice…

“You gotta do something different.” I hear you tiny voice. I’m trying. I’m trying my hardest here…

True Love

Someday your hands will be held and will never be let go. And all the pain and suffering you’ve endured, won’t just go away but it will be shared.

People think love is magic. It’s not. The only thing it can provide is having someone to share your troubles with until the end. In joy and sorrow, pain and happiness, in nothingness and richness.

With this genuine and authentic love, you’ll always have someone who will accept you no matter what you’ve been through. And they will love you even on days you feel as though you don’t deserve love.

This is what lies on the other side of what you think is your terrible life. Stay focused on all the positive no matter how small it is and have faith. It’s all possible…if you believe with your heart.

“I’m Ok”

It’s my response when I start grief counseling and I’m asked “How are you doing?” Go outside they say. Get some fresh air. It will do you good, help your mood. Pick up a new hobby. Spend time with your kids. You will need family and friends to get through this process. They say these things but real life, who does this? Or has successfully done this? We need to talk!

So you don’t think pre-grief that I didn’t do all those things. Do you think once you lose someone so close to you that you just roll over and pick up where you left off after they’re slowly descended into the ground forever?

Before my Mom passed away, I had a routine. A morning ritual. I called to check on her and talk to her. Tuesdays was my best day of the work week every week. Now I struggle to get out of bed. Most days I work directly from between the sheets. I don’t want to get up or get dressed. I don’t turn on my camera for meetings and I really don’t feel like speaking. That’s pretty hard for an IT person. But we are weird anyway so 🤷🏾‍♀️… I barely eat. I think my body is use to it so we may have to revert back to scheduled meals again. I’m tired from doing nothing. I’m mentally drained. I’m emotionally out of control and physically I mostly feel like shit but I say I’m ok with a smile.

I am my Mother’s child and this is why not having her is so hard for me. Sometimes thoughts runs through my head and I just want someone to talk to. Just to distract me and make me laugh or talk about something other than what has me consumed in thought and/or down. But generally everyone is busy throughout the course of the day. And so am I but I’m struggling in a major way. My Mom use to be that one person that would answer me and talk about nothing for hours. She would ask what was wrong and when I didn’t respond she knew it was deep enough that she would say something immediately to make me laugh. Like saying hold on I have to fart. Smh. She had no filter. And she always answered my call. She could be sleep and if I called she answered and she wouldn’t let me hang up. She’d talk to me because she sensed that I just needed someone. She knew and understood me. She was the truest friend you could ever have. Losing her was the worse thing to happen to me in this lifetime. I don’t ever want my children to endure this kind of heartache and pain.

So at a time like this, I’m grateful that I have learned to navigate and cope on my own. Whether the coping be healthy or unhealthy. I have to maintain my sanity at this point. So when you see me talking to myself. No I’m not crazy. I got tired of waiting for other people to talk to. And don’t read this and say well call them. Have you ever joined a chat for help and you were ‘next in queue’ for hours? That’s my life. Always waiting for someone to get back with me, make time for me or remember some shit they volunteered to do for me.

“Wait”…”Give me a minute” (the minute is still ticking I believe)…. “I will check on you later” (3 years from now)…”I forgot, I’m sorry”…Don’t even worry about it…I will figure it out.

So navigating life as a Motherless (and Fatherless) Adult Child, Week 3 Life Lesson that I remembered from my many conversations with Mom:

Don’t depend on man because he will fail you everytime.
-T. L. Moore

Drowning in sorrow, heartache and pain and I’m the only one that can save me.

Where Do I Go From Here?

People often times struggle with what to say to someone when they lose a loved one. I know because I’ve done it. You’re asked how are you out of concern and knowing that you’re hurting. But there’s also the thought that nothing said will make it better.

When I’m asked “how are you?”, I fight back tears. That little 3 word question releases so many memories at once that I’m mentally and emotionally overwhelmed. I normally will look away or at the ground to try and stop the tears. Sometimes it works most of the time it doesn’t.

Just know, it’s not your fault and I understand that you’re really only concerned and at a lost for words. There’s nothing to stop or dull this pain. Just know I’m not ok. And I’m told that it’s ok to not be ok.

I thank everyone for all for the kind words, phone calls, text messages, food, prayers and love. This has been very hard and I’m sure this is only the beginning. I’m praying for peace and comfort, healing of not only the hearts of my brother and I , but also the hearts of all of my family. ❤️

This Life…

I ran away like my Mom always said she would when things got hard. I ran with nothing. Just got in my car and left. I told her if she ever ran away she’d have to take me with her. And that always changed her mind. I never liked the thought of being without her even then. I have no choice now.

I know she is with me but it doesn’t lessen the hurt I feel. The emptiness in my heart. The ache in my chest. It doesn’t stop the tears or the feeling of sadness. The memories are great but they make me laugh and cry. Memory making is no more. I miss her so much.

She was my everything just like my children. I shared all my dreams with her and no one else. I’d wait for her to tell me how crazy they are or give me advice on how to make it happen even when I thought it was stupid. I shared all my newly created dishes with her. I’d wait for her to spit it out and tell me it was nasty or tell me I was missing something. When she said it was good I almost passed out lol. No one cooked better than her. She made Thanksgiving non traditional.

We cooked together. We laughed together. We danced together. We cried together. She was not the affectionate mother. But when I really needed a hug I had to take it. And she never pulled away. She was affectionate to the kids. They gave her, her youthful energy. She missed me and Matt being small. So her grandkids and great nieces and nephews were spoiled as a replacement. We were ok with it. We genuinely only cared to see her smile.

I remember the day I introduced my mom to YouTube. She was on the phone with me all day. Telling me all the stuff she found. How to clean this, how to fix that, she was watching shows and movies. She was excited. This tablet was her newest gadget to keep her up all night. And me too.

She use to always say I didn’t know her. She had no idea. I knew when she was about to cry before it happened. I knew when she was going to laugh. I knew when she was angry or upset. I listened to all the stories of how people mistreated her or how she felt alone. I saw myself in her a lot. I wanted so much for her and I worked my ass off to give her anything she asked for. (Except her golf cart)

I miss her. As I grew older those moments where she fussed at me were less and less. As we both learned we were so much alike. We would just shake our heads, be silent and resume a different conversation. That took a lot of work. Two hot heads, with a lot of mouth? I was respectful but sometimes I had to walk away from her and she from me. We never fought. I knew better.

Life will never be the same. I will never be the same. So when you see me don’t ask how I am. I am not well. I have moments where my mind tries to trick me into thinking everything is ok but then reality quickly rears his head and reminds me that she’s not here so life is definitely not ok. I will continue to do exactly what you told me Ma. Just stay with me every step of the way. I need you now more than ever since I can’t physically be with you…until we meet again in the next lifetime. ❤️

Sad Little Girl

As I sit in IHOP on Christmas Day with my kids, after having to have a real life conversation with my daughter, I am reminded of my childhood which I seriously hate.

As a child, I didn’t lack anything. My Father was quite absent although we lived in the same town. I was the illegitimate child who had to watch my Father be an active part of the kids he wanted life and not my own. It created this void that even now I can’t fill. My mom worked to make sure I had the best. I wore the name brand clothes and shoes and I had the picture perfect room. From the outside looking in, although I appeared to have it all, I lacked the one thing any child yearns for… Love.

Fast forward 11 years and my mom gives birth to my brother. At first, I was upset because I felt as though, the love that I already wasn’t receiving from either of my parents would be given to this “new” child. I often wondered what did I have to do to make them love me? I got good grades in school, I didn’t get into trouble, hell I rarely talked. I was always afraid of doing or saying the wrong things to make my mom upset. During all this time, I didn’t realize that she suffered from a mental illness but all I did know is that she was hurting deep inside, she never showed me any type of love or affection and I wholeheartedly did not feel as though she truly wanted me. But failure was not an option for her so she HAD to raise me and she HAD to do a good job because everyone was expecting her to fail.

When she had my brother, everyone in town thought that I was so promiscuous and I had, had a baby and my mother was telling everyone it was her baby to protect me and my reputation. This is how much people didn’t see me. Or paid attention to me smh. In hindsight, I’ve always been just a girl in the shadows. After I got over the initial shock and upsets of my mom having another baby, I thought maybe this was my chance to give him all the love I never encountered. Rightfully so, I didn’t want him to experience the 11 years of life as I had, feeling like a burden. What child asks to be born and be unloved or unwanted?

Needless to say, I basically raised him. From the time I was 11 up until my Senior year of high school, he was mostly my responsibility. In middle school, I’d go to school, come home to babysit him while my mom worked overnight. On the weekends, she started a side business which would require her to leave early in the morning and return once she was done working. Sometimes it would be around Noon, sometimes the evening. She’d unwind with her friends who were mostly men and I’d retreat to my corner to sit and play her CDs and sing to try and ease my mind. I didn’t get to really be a child. I was forced to grow up early to care for my brother who would down the line turn into my starter child.

The rest of that story of my poor ass life is for another day when I’m not freezing cold but as for now, I was reminded of the lack of love I received when I had to have a very uncomfortable conversation with my own daughter today. I didn’t think divorce would be something my children, let alone myself would have to endure but here we are in the home stretch of separation, petition ready to be served in a week and hopefully soon all of this will be behind me.

I married this man, looking for a love I didn’t have. Trying to fill a void and it failed. And as bad as I tried to make it work because I too dislike failure, it didn’t and I had already lost so much of myself that I wasn’t willing to go through another patch with him just to keep my “family” together. It was very evident that my “family” consisted of me and my kids only.

But now I’m the bad parent in my daughter’s eyes because she blames me for her Father not being around. We aren’t together but he is able to see them whenever he desires. But he chooses not to. She expressed her anger with me through yelling and crying. Saying I made him leave the house and it’s all my fault. Even though I made this decision for not just me but also for them, she doesn’t understand. I do all I can to make this a smooth transition. And it seems as though there truly is nothing I can do.

This hurts. And people say she’s a child and doesn’t understand. Nobody truly understand. I am her…the hurting little girl who just wants that love…😔 I don’t want her to grow up and be me. Where I am right now in life. Lonely and heartbroken…

Just Breathe

This ancient Sanskrit symbol positioned between my breasts and above my diaphragm is a beautiful reminder to do what comes naturally. It’s the first thing we do when we enter the world, and the last thing we do when we leave it.

Breathe Queen you’re going to be okay.

Breathe and remember that you’ve been in this place before.

Breathe and know you’ve been this uncomfortable, anxious and scared yet you survived.

Breathe and understand you can survive this too.

These feelings that you are having cannot break you. They are painful and sometimes debilitating, but you can sit with them and eventually they will pass. Have faith in your resilience.

It may feel unbearable at this moment but keep BREATHING.

This too shall pass…BREATHE.