Never do I feel compelled to write when I’m happy, only when I’m sad, hurting or angry…
It’s rare that I just sit…like just literally sit and do nothing.
I did that today. For once, I honestly wanted to talk to someone…but I don’t want to be a bother…and I don’t want to be interrupted…and I don’t want to be criticized…and I don’t want to be dismissed…I felt like I had too many stipulations for a conversation so I opted to just sit…
One question came to mind…
Why are you so nice?
EveryFuckingOne
This is such a loaded question. I’m sure most people could spit a response out quicker than I could blink. Me, however by the time the question is fully formed, I’ve ruined the conversation a million times in my head. And the only suitable response is “I don’t know.” This is the one response I dislike for my children to give me. I always explain to the them that they experience an emotion based on a thought or a feeling. And if you are feeling a certain type of way there is an emotion to describe why you feel this way. I give them examples…I am sad because you yelled. I am angry because I want to play. I am hurt because I fell down. I am happy because I have ice cream.
It was time to re-evaluate myself, my life and the circumstances that I’ve created…and so many thoughts flood my mind…dammit, didn’t we do this in Miami? UGHHHHHHHH
The world has been unkind for as long as I can remember. But my Mom always said we had to be the difference we want to see in the world.
It takes nothing to be kind right…shiiiiiiiit…it also takes thick skin, therapy, tequila, shrooms, weed and a few close friends.
Truth be told, I am nice to people mostly because I was raised to treat others how I want to be treated and not in response to how they treat me. This is a positive and negative personality trait to have. But just because I’m nice doesn’t mean I trust you 100%. I will give you enough rope to either hang yourself or show me that you’re loyal. Tests are not games, but merely a way of gauging how to handle a person. Given the damage on the exterior of my heart, I think I am allowed to perform such tests. And I wouldn’t oblige if someone tested me…
Acceptance
Opening up your heart to someone is the epitome of vulnerability. I haven’t done it a lot in life. But for every time that I have, I’ve lost that person. The most recent episode of life has put me in such a place that I am truly afraid of letting my guard down. I think I owe it to myself to be a little guarded to avoid getting into any more situations that will leave me “hurt”.
I can honestly say that I am afraid of getting hurt again. I don’t know that I will recover…
After my session with my therapist on yesterday, we agreed that I needed to work on healing my inner child. You see I didn’t really have a true childhood. Every since I can remember, my Mom was teaching me about life and the bullshit it brings. She taught me the people to stay away from. She taught me to “listen to the tiny voice in my head” or the distinct feelings that I get when I’m about to do something or around someone. Then I moved into the role of caregiver. I helped take care of my younger Brother. I helped my Great Grandparents after school. I may have been able to play outside but my mind was never really that of a child. I feel like Michael Jackson without the riches.
Michael Jackson: a child who didn’t get to truly experience childhood and as an adult with the means to do so, took on a child-like imaginative life in attempts to make up for missing said childhood
Now I don’t have a Neverland…and I don’t invite over other people children to “play” with them. That’s weird. But I do often times buy my kids things that I wish I had growing up so that I can play with them. Rarely are they actual toys. I mean things like our trampoline, electric scooter, video games, board games, etc. And it’s generally short lived. Well…I do tend to jump on the trampoline quite regularly. My kids however rarely go outside so it’s cool to say the trampoline is really mine…
I was told by someone that I love dearly that I have this emotional wall up and I don’t let them in. One thing about me is I encourage people to talk to me…but me completely opening up is like a snail crossing the street. It takes me time…and a lot of it…
I sat with this comment and I thought about it long and hard. He’s right. I am cautious of everyone and everything. I think A LOT. I do not trust easily and I stay guarded. All of these things are to protect me and my feelings. It would take me a lifetime to tell you all the things I’ve been through to explain why I am the way I am. But I shut down easily. I don’t chase people. I don’t beg anyone for anything not even attention. Naturally I like to be alone. And after sitting for a while I realize that I sat in a mute relationship for so long that my communication skills now suck.
I can own that and I need to work on me…I need to completely heal from all the bullshit in my past. I’ve been good about burying it and pretending none of it happened but shit has a way of haunting you…aka triggering
So I discussed this with my therapist and we (my therapist) thought completing the Recovery of the Inner Child workbook would help. I only got about 8 pages in last night and went to sleep. Let me tell you I had the worse nightmare…
In this nightmare, I was myself as a child rocking ponytails with hair bows, a jean jumpsuit, T-shirt that said “Awesome Kid” and some white Tommy Hilfiger canvas shoes. The entire interaction in the dream was so vivid and real. I couldn’t hear anything in the dream as if someone had hit the mute button on the audio in my dream. But all I kept hearing was a voice softly saying “I will never hurt you.” But what I was seeing and feeling was just that, “hurt and pain”. As I emerged from the corner of the room in my dream, the sound started to come back. I was crying and yelling “you lied to me”. I woke up drenched in sweat. And I was crying. I got up from bed to get myself together bc it was 3am and I needed to go back to sleep. It’s just a dream. Or was it? The soft voice was me speaking to the child (me). This shit is too deep…
I won’t go into detail about the dream but in 8 pages of a book and a dream that seems quite relative to its exercise. Living rent free in my mind is the thought that at some point in my life the people who claim to love me will hurt me. And the thought lingers because time and time again it has happened.
My inner child is hurting…and I have to love her and heal her…
When I feel as though I am being “hurt” by someone who said they love me, I as a child would run. That’s why I ran away as a child. The thought was that I could run away from the hurt and not have to experience it. That’s why I completely remove myself from situations as an adult. I don’t act erratic and dramatic…I just quietly disappear. It’s how I feel like I can protect myself. It’s exactly what I did in my dream. And there was no communication outside of me as a child yelling. The other people in the dream were silent.
I know I don’t communicate my feelings but this is out of fear. They’ve been dismissed and used against me so much that I’m just conditioned to bottling things inside. I can’t change in a day, this has been my life for 30+ years. It’s going to take a lot of work.
Although I already want to give up on this inner child healing, I’m going to keep trying. I see now that it is going to be painful af but if I don’t do it now then when will I? I literally put off anything and everything in life that may seemingly bring me pain.
So hang tight! Some days I may not have the energy to blog. But I and def going to try and I will continue with my Daily Positive because that does help me and some of my followers everyday. But I do want to document my experience as it may help someone else.
Today I’m doing something I never thought I’d have to do. And normally I’d let this go…I wouldn’t trip but it is affecting my tomorrow…and I had to sit and think about my next steps.
I’m an avid procrastinator and I put off what I can do right now to do later merely out of convenience or just refusal to complete the task.
Am I going to continue to let this affect my life negatively? What can I do to change the situation? What will bring me peace? I ask myself all these questions sitting in silence.
This entire situation is unreal. It sounds like a fucked up Lifetime movie up when it’s spoken aloud. But it is my life currently. And the saying is when you can’t control a situation, control your attitude towards it and/or how you respond to it.
Well friends, I’m tired. I know, I know. I say it a lot. But with this I think anyone who knows the situation can agree I’m tired. I’ve been through the most. I’ve dealt with the most. I’ve turned every cheek. I’ve tried to remain cordial and respectful and now that my patience has worn out and my peace has been disrupted, I have to do something different.
Even though I’ve been 100% transparent and honest, we approached the same impasse that we were at before over a year ago. Nothing has changed. Until this week. I changed…
Until I close this chapter, it’s impossible for me to start another no matter how much I think I can. Taking things to a legal level is not how I normally operate but drastic times calls for drastic measures. I don’t communicate threats because I know first hand how they can come back to bite you in your ass. But I’m just ready to start fresh somewhere else with the one I love.
Taking this route is my way of no longer “talking” about what I’m going to do or what I want to happen. Instead I have to take the necessary steps to get me where I want to be.
Breaking generational curses…I’m all for that. I don’t think I was placed here to be like follow anyone else. It’s time I move mountains to get to my peace…and hope that my peace is also moving mountains to meet me halfway.
Strutting in this courthouse sporting nothing but honesty, a little fatigue and a smile on my face. I can’t allow this situation to dull my sparkle or deter me from my dreams. We have a plan…and I’m down to stick to it…
For once I didn’t put off today what I could do tomorrow for one more person who doesn’t give a shit about me. I choose me today…I choose my happiness…I choose my peace…I choose healthy and loving parenting…I choose not being the norm…I choose my Baby Love…
Whatever it takes is my mindset now…I need my peace back…
No matter what happens in life, always do whatever makes you happy and be with and around those that make you smile as well. We only get to partake in this human experience once, so make it great!
In My Unapologetic Life... 