Category: Just ‘Cause

Life Purpose???

Photo by Magda Ehlers on Pexels.com

I didn’t think I’d make it to the beach this weekend with the wicked forecast for rain. Saw my Baby Love yesterday and woke still too tired to get on the highway to head home.

Extended my stay, ran to Best Buy to get a laptop for work tomorrow and looked up at the sky…it wasn’t raining…I’m going to the beach!

Text Bae my plans. He told me to enjoy since he had to leave me this morning. I find a Tropical Smoothie enroute to the oceanfront to grab a Watermelon Mojito. Dinner was a little disappointing last night so I was playing it safe for brunch.

I made it to the beach, set up my little area, away from folks and damn you’d think I let off a smoke signal…

I look up and there’s a small arena of folks around me. I open my umbrella on my chair and turn up my music on my earbuds. Tone Stith sings, “you feel better than before…” He was referring to a more sensual matter but it resonated with me in life in general. At this moment in my life I feel better than I did before and that is big for me!

I lost my Mom, lost a cousin, went backwards in my divorce process delaying everything, let go and lost of a lot of people, things and situations in my life. I learned to really not stress about anything that doesn’t affect me directly. If it doesn’t take away from me or my kids I no longer worry about it. I keep in contact with those whose energy is positive and genuine and the rest I cordially speak when spoken to and not a moment before.

Reflecting on What I Learned About Myself…

I learned that I cannot expect everyone to treat friendship and relationships in the same manner that I do. I learned that I have to openly communicate my expectations and issues. Not to try to avoid conflict and let things build up until I explode. I learned a lot about myself good and bad. I can be very selfish although I love to give. Naturally I expect quite a bit of people and when they don’t perform in the manner I feel they should, I remove myself.

I never remove myself with ill intent or talk bad about the other person behind their back. I wish them well but accept we can’t have a relationship and I move on. I’m a real simple person. I just don’t/can’t tolerate a lot of BS. Or I should say, I hadn’t been able to in the past.

Recently I learned how to be patient…anyone who knows me, knows this is a weakness I possess. I am true to my fiery sign and I am was impatient as hell. And I mean with everyone and everything. I didn’t know how to control it or correct it. But I t’s amazing what you can do when you unplug from the world and learn yourself. Just observe, meditate and record…I am something else. And I can say that now and not be joking. Seriously. My shadow side is a bitch. And I slowly began to remember things I did in that space. I felt bad.

I vowed to do and be better because while we may reincarnate and live several lives, I want all of mine to be the best that they can be. Isn’t the part of truly living and enjoying this lifetime?

I learned to start my day with gratitude. I learned to give myself some grace. I learned to accept that I cannot do, be and know everything. I am human. And I’m just one human.

New Practice…New Way of Living…

I began this test of patience before I truly realized it. It started out rough. A week in and I was ready to give up and walk away. One dream changed my mind and woke me the fuck up. Stop running away from what I want because I have to wait a bit.

Everyday I remind myself to go with the flow. Don’t expect anything and just adjust accordingly. I have control issues. I want to fix things, people, situations, and when I can’t I don’t like it. I had to learn to release the need for control because it built a lot of walls in my life.

I wake now mostly happy to see another day so that I can experience life one more day. I try to laugh as much as possible. I established a cry zone in my bathtub. When I feel the urge to cry and I’m at home I have to do it here. I had to learn to allow myself to feel and go through emotions rather than suppress them and use other coping methods to get through. It’s a process…I’m still grieving and I now know that’s ok. Time doesn’t heal anything only we have the power to do that ourselves.

This weekend was much needed. I divided and conquered a couple of states, while also spending time with a couple special people. I was able to be a friend, give and receive some love, finish a book, start a new one, finally get a new laptop, GO TO THE BEACH, and just relax kid free.

One minor hiccup tried to throw a bend in my peacefulness but I plucked it right out of my field of view. It takes practice for a short tempered and impatient individual to make these changes and I’m very proud of myself. I’m sure you’re tired of reading that but if you knew me, you’d be happy too! This is the most love and growth I’ve seen in myself. I was not able to leave the beach without encountering someone who wanted to strike up a random conversation lol. In the elevator almost to my car, a lady commented on the fact that our nail polish was the same. That conversation led to how she misses her estranged daughter. It never fails!

In my mind, I’m a real life Olivia Pope. And not because I want to be but because I feel that’s my purpose in this lifetime. Not so much to fix people and situations but to be understanding to their issues, listen, give sound advice where I can and just be a friend in that moment. I’ve had total strangers tell me their life story. Cry about a situation their facing or ask me advice. These are people who do not know me and I don’t know them. And no matter how much I don’t want to be bothered. A little light inside me ignites and I listen. I be the friend they wish they had for that moment. And if my life’s purpose is just to be a positive momentary friend for those in need, I welcome it. I just have to learn how to unload their energy.

Through the craziness, I love it here in this moment. I love this new version of me…what I thought was a shit show of my life, has been a long life lesson and blessing in disguise. I woke up, pulled the dark curtains back and to my surprise the sun shines so bright and I am able to see that I learned to love me…all of ME! Embracing my new normal and new version of myself.

We are all here for a reason, with a purpose sis. You can’t help everybody but you can attempt help a few.

-Late night convos with Young Mizzle

Lovers Can’t Be Friends

This is an interesting topic that came up yesterday with one of my guy best friends. We have experienced some of life’s greatest and terrible moments together. He’s a thorn in my side at times but I appreciate our friendship as he’s always able to give me the male perspective on any situation and just be genuinely his crazy self.

Yesterday he hit me with some numbers lol. According to studies, 90% of friends who become intimate are not able to function as friends.

Backstory: We were friends all through high school. I spent time at his house with his family as a friend. We messed around as adults well after high school. We decided we were better off friends. So we never had sex again and just remained friends.

This took me by surprise. Like why is he even bringing this up. Is he about to make this awkward? We’ve been friends for almost 20 years…please don’t do this man. My friend count is low because people just aren’t real anymore.

He then asks, how is it that we don’t fall into that category? I replied saying we’re in the 10% that are able to mature and have a friendship outside of sex. And ultimately we respect each other.

I’m sure to people we dated and married, our relationship was weird. When he’s dating, we don’t talk often. It is almost always a problem when a woman finds out that he slept with his best friend and we are still friends. I’m as chill as they come. So I welcome all his lady friends and warn them that he’s crazy as a joke. I listen to his problems. I give him advice sometimes. But to avoid conflict in his relationships with women who are obviously insecure and not confident, we would rarely speak. He’s been married 3 times (I hope he’s done this time) and I’ve been married once. My ex-husband was not cool with the idea of me being friends with someone I slept with but I explained to him either you trust me or you don’t.

I think with all friendships, sexual or non sexual we have to have a certain level of trust. He and I have that. As friends we trust each other with secrets. Things that have happened in our relationships and personal lives. Problems at work or issues with our kids. We are truly friends with no romantic feelings. We can hang together, eat, watch movies and it is not awkward or weird. We are sort of like siblings but that makes it sound very nasty so scratch that lol.

The conversation was interesting. As we never really sat down and talked about how awkward it was that we slept together, figured out that that type of relationship was not for us and then just never spoke of it again.

I care about him as a friend. And I am always genuinely happy for him. I’m glad that he has finally found a really good woman that he loves and she loves him. I’m always supportive of him even if he doesn’t help me put things together like he says. I wouldn’t trade our relationship as he’s been a ride or die for me for so long and I him. It was funny that the topic came up but as quickly as it began, it ended as we began to talk about the kids.

We say I love you because we do love each other. In the same aspect of loving family. He tells anyone he’s like my Big Brother. If I cry, he’s coming. He wants to meet guys I date now because he apparently knows all men intentions and he doesn’t want me hurt. He listened to the nonsense from my 15 year marriage and he wiped some tears and sat on the beach with me when I was sad. Things that I couldn’t even get my girl friends to do. He’s been in my corner through a lot and I appreciate him.

Is there a friend that you have that you’ve had sex with, been in love with and you’re still friends? Is it awkward? Does it affect your outside relationships at all? I’m curious so please share…

Setting Boundaries

Walls keep everybody out. Boundaries teach people where the door is.

-Mark Groves

Setting boundaries does not make you a mean person. It’s quite the opposite actually. Boundaries need to be established as a way to communicate what is and isn’t ok. Boundaries not only protect ones physical space, but also their body, feelings and energy. We all have limits and boundaries so communicate them with those close to you.

We set boundaries everyday with personal space, sexuality, emotions, thoughts, things and possessions, time and energy, culture, religion and ethics.

Boundaries protect our relationships from becoming unhealthy and unsafe. In that way, they actually bring us closer
together rather than push us farther apart. Having healthy boundaries allows you to make yourself a priority whether that’s in self-care, career, or in relationships.

Take a moment and discover where you need to set boundaries. Anything that is affecting your mental or emotional health needs a proper boundary. Be it a friend using you as a therapist but never has a moment to listen to you, a family member using you like a bank when they need money, someone who invades your space and shows up without calling, or someone who gets upset at you about not agreeing with their point of view.

I’ve learned to establish boundaries in all facets of life. Even my IG feed has boundaries. I unfollow anyone who isn’t in a healthy space with what they are sharing. Be it over emphasizing their point of view of politics, degrading memes, angry vent sessions or racist memes. Any of it isn’t allowed in my feed because my mental health and state comes above all else.

I have a personal boundary with family members. Not because I don’t care but because at some point I felt as though they didn’t mean me well. I have to be the best version of me. And I can’t allow others to dictate how my energy will be.

I suggest taking a moment and evaluating your life. Any situation or person can have a boundary. Create a boundary for things you need a buffer for, don’t feel bad about it and move on. No one controls your peace but you. Boundaries can always be adjusted, created or removed. Maintain your peace above all else.

Live in love and light and not chaos and darkness… ✌🏾❤️💫

True Love

Someday your hands will be held and will never be let go. And all the pain and suffering you’ve endured, won’t just go away but it will be shared.

People think love is magic. It’s not. The only thing it can provide is having someone to share your troubles with until the end. In joy and sorrow, pain and happiness, in nothingness and richness.

With this genuine and authentic love, you’ll always have someone who will accept you no matter what you’ve been through. And they will love you even on days you feel as though you don’t deserve love.

This is what lies on the other side of what you think is your terrible life. Stay focused on all the positive no matter how small it is and have faith. It’s all possible…if you believe with your heart.

Sad Little Girl

As I sit in IHOP on Christmas Day with my kids, after having to have a real life conversation with my daughter, I am reminded of my childhood which I seriously hate.

As a child, I didn’t lack anything. My Father was quite absent although we lived in the same town. I was the illegitimate child who had to watch my Father be an active part of the kids he wanted life and not my own. It created this void that even now I can’t fill. My mom worked to make sure I had the best. I wore the name brand clothes and shoes and I had the picture perfect room. From the outside looking in, although I appeared to have it all, I lacked the one thing any child yearns for… Love.

Fast forward 11 years and my mom gives birth to my brother. At first, I was upset because I felt as though, the love that I already wasn’t receiving from either of my parents would be given to this “new” child. I often wondered what did I have to do to make them love me? I got good grades in school, I didn’t get into trouble, hell I rarely talked. I was always afraid of doing or saying the wrong things to make my mom upset. During all this time, I didn’t realize that she suffered from a mental illness but all I did know is that she was hurting deep inside, she never showed me any type of love or affection and I wholeheartedly did not feel as though she truly wanted me. But failure was not an option for her so she HAD to raise me and she HAD to do a good job because everyone was expecting her to fail.

When she had my brother, everyone in town thought that I was so promiscuous and I had, had a baby and my mother was telling everyone it was her baby to protect me and my reputation. This is how much people didn’t see me. Or paid attention to me smh. In hindsight, I’ve always been just a girl in the shadows. After I got over the initial shock and upsets of my mom having another baby, I thought maybe this was my chance to give him all the love I never encountered. Rightfully so, I didn’t want him to experience the 11 years of life as I had, feeling like a burden. What child asks to be born and be unloved or unwanted?

Needless to say, I basically raised him. From the time I was 11 up until my Senior year of high school, he was mostly my responsibility. In middle school, I’d go to school, come home to babysit him while my mom worked overnight. On the weekends, she started a side business which would require her to leave early in the morning and return once she was done working. Sometimes it would be around Noon, sometimes the evening. She’d unwind with her friends who were mostly men and I’d retreat to my corner to sit and play her CDs and sing to try and ease my mind. I didn’t get to really be a child. I was forced to grow up early to care for my brother who would down the line turn into my starter child.

The rest of that story of my poor ass life is for another day when I’m not freezing cold but as for now, I was reminded of the lack of love I received when I had to have a very uncomfortable conversation with my own daughter today. I didn’t think divorce would be something my children, let alone myself would have to endure but here we are in the home stretch of separation, petition ready to be served in a week and hopefully soon all of this will be behind me.

I married this man, looking for a love I didn’t have. Trying to fill a void and it failed. And as bad as I tried to make it work because I too dislike failure, it didn’t and I had already lost so much of myself that I wasn’t willing to go through another patch with him just to keep my “family” together. It was very evident that my “family” consisted of me and my kids only.

But now I’m the bad parent in my daughter’s eyes because she blames me for her Father not being around. We aren’t together but he is able to see them whenever he desires. But he chooses not to. She expressed her anger with me through yelling and crying. Saying I made him leave the house and it’s all my fault. Even though I made this decision for not just me but also for them, she doesn’t understand. I do all I can to make this a smooth transition. And it seems as though there truly is nothing I can do.

This hurts. And people say she’s a child and doesn’t understand. Nobody truly understand. I am her…the hurting little girl who just wants that love…😔 I don’t want her to grow up and be me. Where I am right now in life. Lonely and heartbroken…

Just Breathe

This ancient Sanskrit symbol positioned between my breasts and above my diaphragm is a beautiful reminder to do what comes naturally. It’s the first thing we do when we enter the world, and the last thing we do when we leave it.

Breathe Queen you’re going to be okay.

Breathe and remember that you’ve been in this place before.

Breathe and know you’ve been this uncomfortable, anxious and scared yet you survived.

Breathe and understand you can survive this too.

These feelings that you are having cannot break you. They are painful and sometimes debilitating, but you can sit with them and eventually they will pass. Have faith in your resilience.

It may feel unbearable at this moment but keep BREATHING.

This too shall pass…BREATHE.

Product of Pain

“When there’s no more room in Hell…

…the dead will walk the Earth. “

I am the manifestation of two fucked up individuals. In turn, I am a fucked up woman. My fucked up Father is dead and my mother isn’t in the best of conditions right now. I am the product of their pain.

I’ve been living one disappointment after another all my life. I laugh to keep from crying. And I smile to hide the pain. I’m that person who has so much bullshit in everyday life that I try to be the sun in everyone else’s. I want no one to feel the emptiness and loneliness that I feel. But often times I’m shitted on. Subliminally I’m criticized and not just by my close friends but also my family. I don’t expect anyone to know how I feel because they never walked a mile in my shoes.

From the frequent inappropriate touching by my older cousin at the age of 7, to the abandonment and regret of having created me from my late Father, to the lack of emotional support from my Mother; to the gang rape in the Army, the threats to end my life if I told a soul, and the handful of meaningless relationships that resulted in heartbreak, distrust, regret and pain to include my 15 year marriage. I see how fucked up I am. I don’t possess the ability to be happy. I am the protype for unhappiness, pain and hurt. I always have stayed to myself without a lot of friends because people tend to use me for my heart. And then dispose of me when I’m no longer needed.

So when you’re living everyday as a human burden, which is better…To be alive hurting and adding to it daily or to die and not have to deal with it again? When you’re dead inside anyways why does it matter?

The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.

Mark Twain