Tag: #love

Past Life

Yesterday I took a break. Or I attempted to do so. I left my both phones and my laptop on the nightstand the entire day. I should have worked out but I really have just been in a real lazy type of mood. And I can tell physically because the weight I once lost, is creeping back up on me. I have to do better.

I go and take a stab at trying to organize this walk in closet again. I start with the top shelves this time. I realize I have way too many handbags and totes. This is ridiculous. I grab a trash bag to throw this shit away. Inside of one of the huge bags I find my journals from waaaaaaaaaaayyyy back when. Like high school up until right before I got married. I have narrated my life in journal form since I was about 8 or 9 years old. Then it was to cope with the sea of domestic violence that surrounded me and to give an only child an outlet to express herself. I remember my aunt bought my first diary. A little white patent leather journal with a lock. The leather where the lock use to reside was gone. I remember the day my Mom cut that bitch off to read my diary. She was angry as hell. My thoughts, my diary. Not in her house. That pushed me to write even more. From that point forward, I had to hide my then diary just like the kids do in movies (under my bed, in between books on my bookshelf, in my closet, etc.) I realized that I stopped writing when I got married. And I honestly never go back and read what I write. Until today…

I stared at all the journals debating whether or not to open one just to revisit the past. This could be a good thing or it could trigger a whole lot of bullshit. I sat in my closet floor contemplating what to do. One I remember and I know it’s the last journal I wrote in. I grab it. It was only from about 17 years ago. Here goes nothing…

I do some stupid shit sometimes…nothing compares to my past life though lol. I did a multitude of stupid things and dealt with a lot of stupid people. Life was different then. I think I sat here laughing, singing, crying and questioning myself for about 2 hours. The top shelf of the closet was empty but nothing was organized. Stick a pin in this task, it’s done for the day. There was so much emotion in things that I wrote and then I began to see a pattern.

And maybe that was the purpose of me reading these entries. To see that I create my own unhappiness by the situations I put myself in. And even at 37 I hadn’t quite learned my lesson in this area of my life. Am I going to make a change or keep putting myself through unnecessary pain?

I reach the end of this journal and I find a poem that I wrote. 

"True Love"

Together forever we shall stay,
Letting our love grow stronger, day by day.
Wishes made upon the stars in the sky,
Knowing this love will never die.

Hopes and dreams this love is for real,
Knowing what's going on, knowing how we feel.
Showing our love and showing we care,
No longer playing a silly game of truth or dare.

Being here for one another,
And showing love for only each other.
I'm going to be only your babygirl,
And this is because you have changed my world.

You have put trust in me like no one else will,
You loved me then and you love me still.
I believe in this world everyone has a soulmate,
I also believe we met not only through fate...

But we met because we are meant to be,
And that's what I'm trying to make you see.
You and I must work through this relationship together,
And when we go through the worst, we will make it better.

So from here on out it's just me and you,
And for that I love only you.

The poem didn’t even fit my life then. And I’m not sure who I was addressing. There’s no date and it’s literally at the end of the journal. It’s random. I read it over and over again. In faint ink next to the poem I see “Always Alone”.

I’ve always tried filling this void no matter the cost just because of the pain it causes. And in return, I always end up hurt. I sat and cried to no end. I owe it to myself to stop. I realize in this moment no one can take this pain away or fill this hole I have in my heart. Nobody but me. I have pain, disappointment and abandonment piled on top of anger. This just dusted off a bunch of shit I buried.

It’s time I sit and really deal with it…vacation request entered, calendar blocked, sitter secured, Airbnb booked, suitcase packed, car gassed up. I’m going off grid for a little bit…before I make a decision that I may regret, I need to sit with myself and deal with my entire past life and its issues that is proving to affect my current life.

So stay tuned…

Probation

I didn’t get any sleep.

I legit was worried that my Fur Son was out in the world, cold, alone and afraid. He’s a big one, but he is just a baby.

I had folks looking under the house for him and riding the neighborhood. He was nowhere to be found. Night had caught us. I definitely wasn’t going to get any sleep. I rode through the neighborhoods closest to ours just to see if he had gotten too far from home and just couldn’t find his way back. He is a very smart boy. And above all else, he knows that Mommie is never going to leave him hanging. Hell I ended vacation a day early because he got away from the dog sitter.

I think he is acting out because he is ready to become a man…Sow his royal oats you know…but I cannot let him do that. He’s just a baby. My baby. And sowing his oats has consequences. Consequences that apparently he is not ready for since he runs off like the toddler he is. He will not leave me to care for his litter of kids and pay pup support…

Well, someone called the man and had him picked and booked him for Attempted B&E. He did a night in county. I woke up calling around the local shelters to see if he was there. I think I may have found him when the lady placed me on hold. I was given a website to verify his identity, he was missing his ID and rabies tag. He was a damn Dog Doe in lockup! I’m scrolling and low and behold, I see his little caramel face on my computer screen. I could breathe again. Now I had to get dressed to go bail him out.

Thankfully he hadn’t been in any trouble with the law in the past so they gave us a break. He was released with 6 months probation, has to wear a neck monitor and has mandated supervised yard time until the invisible fence is installed. After that he will perform 100 hours of community service by picking up sticks and trash around the property.

I’m disappointed in him. Out of all my children I didn’t think he’d be the first to have a record. Now who’s going to hire him as a service dog. He’s a canine felon…

DOPUS # 49313505

Interestingly enough, there’s more crazy $h!t that happens in my unapologetic life. Check out some of my previous posts:

Canine Love

Simba Leon

Yes. His middle name is Leon.

Growing up, I had a plethora of pets. I was a complete tomboy. Outside was my favorite place to be. We had cats, we had dogs, I collected turtles and firefly’s.

I owned a cat, Cookie. He was killed. A stupid ass neighbor gave my baby antifreeze. He died in the front of the house in the yard.

I had several fish…they were different. Fish are the least bit therapeutic. Like I just was not a fan. That tank was a barrier for me.

Miley came along temporarily. We fell in love. Miley was the smallest dog I ever had. At the time I thought she was the craziest. Tiny chuihuahah stuck in the body of a pit bull. She barked at everything and everyone. She hated her crate. I thought my daughter was going to kill her. She would heave her down the stairs while they were playing. She’d hold her toy in mid air while she was hanging from it. Was this normal? Hell was it ok? My daughter was 4 or 5. I thought a pet for an only child was a great idea. Miley was spoiled rotten. And then she got to go back home. That ended quick.

There was a void. And now my daughter had the pleasure of having a pet and that’s all she talked about. Mommie I want doggie! The deal was when we moved out of our townhouse into a house with a fenced in yard, then we’d get another dog. I didn’t want another small dog. I wanted some reinforcement. Growing up I never had small dogs anyways. A Boxer, Pit Bull, German Shepherd, Collie(??)…my folks just got dogs, I don’t think they truly cared about the breed. Shit, I’m not sure why we had dogs, they stayed in fences…I would just go inside the fenced pen and play with them.

I found a house, it had a fence…the kids (now 2 kids) asked “Mommie so now that we have a house with a fence can we get a dog? Sure, I have to find one.

It took a year. My coworker dog was having puppies. She begged me to take one. Kept talking about how the kids would love it. Blah, blah, blah…she had 7 or 8 puppies she needed to get rid of lol.

She sent pictures of the puppies when they were born. Simba caught my eye. They had already named them. He was the calmest out of the bunch. He was the one that didn’t really sleep as a puppy. Christmas Eve 2017, we made up an adoption certificate. We had a ceremony. I took the kids to her house and she had bathed Simba and put a bow on him. He was their Christmas present. I had already been around Simba when I’d go with her on lunch to take the pups out to use the bathroom and to feed them. I had picked Simba out before she sold the others.

Simba…my handsome gentle giant… I need you more than you know…

Check out some of my other posts:

Steamy Shorts: Good Morning

⚠️ Warning ⚠️ This post contains sexual content that may not be suitable for some audiences. Reader discretion is advised.

I turn over and nestle my head on his chest. He adjusts his body and wraps his arm around me. This is home. Sleepily, I enjoy the sound of his heart beating while my head gently rises and falls with each breath that he takes. This is peace.

He’s still sleep or so I think. I place my hand on the center of his chest. I could lay here forever. But it’s not the weekend…and we have to work. The thought was nice. But while I can, I will enjoy this. This moment of being still. In love.

I didn’t notice as I laid there in such a state of peacefulness that I had to began to caress him. Rubbing his chest, stomach and arm with just the pads of my fingertips and sometimes my nails. It’s a habit and it’s soothing. I was trying not to wake him. Rest. He needed it.

I think to myself, every morning should begin with a noticeable action of love. And sex doesn’t solely define love. Do it right with enough time to spare and I’m cooking breakfast. And that’s breakfast in bed.

When I feel his hand gently rub up and down my back, I know he’s awake. I continue gently caressing him and thinking. I hear him speak softly from what seemed like miles away. I was in deep thought. I reply “Huh?” because I didn’t hear anything he said. Why is he awake? I try my best not to wake him when I can’t sleep. He asks me, “Can’t sleep?” I take a deep breath and respond, “Nope.” Like clockwork he questions, “You need some help?” I chuckle at the thought because I never reply to that question. I imagine it’s always rhetorical. And the unspoken answer is always YES. “Come here…” he says as he hugs me a little tighter.

This is when we start to escape reality…we call it magic…

Our bedroom is dark. The corner of the room is the only area illuminated by the light of the fancy diffuser sitting on the dresser. His kisses are always deep and passionate. Even more when he’s trying to be nasty. And don’t let him begin to explore my Magic Kingdom with his extraordinary tongue…stick a fork in me, I’m done.

This mere activity stops time. I mean literally. We can lose track of time and do this for hours. Penetration doesn’t have to occur immediately or even at all. We’ve mastered the resistance and the urge to fuck like rabbits at all times. Believe me it hasn’t always been this easy. It took great practice.

This morning I think his objective is to put me back to sleep. His hand ever so gently strokes my breast then down to stomach. As he slid his hand over my Magic Box, he brushed against my secret pearl with his finger. As he kisses me our souls begin to dance.

It’s about to go down…And I never once looked at the clock.

In one clean swoop, he rotated me from mounting him to him kneeling between my caramel thighs. It’s always something to look up and see a chocolate, fine, bearded specimen in the dark lol. He’s perfect, he’s all mine. He leans in to kiss me. We fit together just like a puzzle. As he kisses me, he slowly slides his now awakened and erect dick inside me. Reaching the point of no return and he stays right there lightly tapping my cervix until he is done kissing me. I melt…I gush all over him.

It’s been how long now? This ‘love me long time’ feeling has never went away…I hope it never does…

He is in the zone now, giving me deep, long slow strokes he touches the edge of my Earth over and over again, until he shakes my ice capped mountain and causes substantial flooding in my magical wonderland. The portal opens and we completely exit this realm and make love in the galaxy. There’s stars, still ones, ones that twinkle and shooting stars. There’s asteroids, fairies, unicorns, and lost balloons. It feels ah-mazing. Together we let our love explode. After what feels like hours we descend back to this realm; spent, hyperventilating, sweating, tachycardic and slightly lethargic.

I find the energy to turn over on my side to face him. I see the sun peeking through the side of window as I lay in his embrace drifting off to sleep. I rub his beard and mumble “Good Morning My Love…”

“Good Morning to you too,” he replies…

Happy Friendship Day!

Friendship is trust, care, sharing, responsibility, loyalty, understanding and support. 

A friend is someone who understands your past, 
doesn't judge you, 
believe in your future, 
supports and accepts you today the way you are...

Enjoy every moment with friends. 
Today's beautiful moments are tomorrow's beautiful memories.

I have had some good ones and I have had some shitty ones.

Regardless of the outcome, I appreciate them all because they are serving or have served their purpose.

What a better way to start the weekend! Spend some time with your dearest friend(s).

HAPPY FRIENDSHIP DAY!!!

Check out some of my recent posts!!