I truly believe that everything happens for a reason.
For every action there is a reaction.
I think that people change how they act so that you can learn to let go. And if you don’t willingly let go, something(s) will happen that will force you to let go. This is where you learn to trust your instincts. Your intuition will never steer you wrong. If you get a weird feeling in the pit of your stomach. This is your intuition tugging at you to take a step back, wait a moment, or just take a look around you. (Or whatever you ate last that didn’t truly agree with you)
Random things in life go wrong so that you are able to appreciate life when everything seems to be going right. You can reach your lowest point ever only to receive a gift, a job, money or help from someone to get you back on your feet. And when you get back on your feet, it’s only up from there. You experiencing such hardships allow you to plan for moments as such that may or may not arise. The key is to simply be prepared and know who is in your corner.
Before we can differentiate between the truth and a lie, we believe lies to be truth. (It all began with Santa Clause…) In learning the truth through lies we learn to trust. We tend to trust those most who don’t lie and trust those less who do lie. And then there is degrees to the lies, i.e. white lies, bold faced lies, etc. By learning to trust we create bonds, relationships, etc.
Now chance is most often the result of an unexpected experience from when the great and wonderful things in life just fall the fuck apart. When this happens all of life seems to come crashing down ever so abruptly. And in that moment all we can do is feel the emotions, see the turmoil, and mentally sabotage what good we have that we aren’t truly seeing at the moment. Then out of nowhere positive things start to happen. It changes the way you think, you stop dwelling on the negative so much and embrace the positive that is happening.
Call it what you want…chance, fate, destiny…
Now these are merely only my opinions and my approach to life. I don’t expect everyone or anyone to agree. But after a lifetime of upset, disappoinment, heartache and pain. I had to learn how to navigate my the not so happy moments in my life. What works for me may not work for you, but this is where I dump my thoughts so….eh
If this blog post didn’t tickle your fancy, check out some of my other posts:
On a PC, it is simple to press these three keys to bring up the task manager and terminate a program that is not responding or frozen. Why can’t we do that in life? Why can we not have an option to terminate a chapter, situation or people in life so that we can start over? There are so many tabs open in my Mind Browser causing me to move ever so slow… I almost need a system reboot!
The thought of wanting to use my “task manager” is brought on by a text I receive. It’s close to midnight and here comes my children’s father…”You really want to do this. I’ll give you whatever you want.” I start to massage my temple. He is not going to give me a headache tonight. He literally just got on my nerves when he came back into town. Not respectful of my time, attempting to be controlling…I’m not interested, he doesn’t see how he will never change, never grow up. I don’t know how many times I have to tell him, “I’m Done!”. That’s one task I want to end and end very hard so that he is aware there is no coming back. I think Jazmin Sullivan said it best, “I’m in love with another man…” Ain’t no if, ands or discussion…🤷🏾♀️
I sit quietly on my bed, laptop resting on my legs and music playing in my ears from my phone. Candles are lit all over the room. Sitting on my bed is to keep me from crying, my laptop on my legs is to keep me in place and the music is to quiet all the thoughts in my mind. Although I’d love to find the master switch to turn this muhfukah OFF. The music isn’t helping tonight, so I’m still doing all the thinking in the world. It has been a fucking day. To start, I didn’t sleep well last night, woke up stupid early on my day off, suffered through trying to tolerate family all while entertaining my younger cousins and my kids all day.
I sit and just stare at the screen. It’s blank. Blank like when I close my eyes these days. I see nothing. Just empty space.
This cannot be life frfr…I shake my head…shove away the tiny voice that I hear telling me everything is going to be ok. When Optimistic Opal? Just fucking when? Because I thought 2019 was a bunch of bullshit…then 2020 reared its ugly head and 2021 is about to finish off the little ounce of optimism I had. My mind channels change and I start to think about something totally random. This is my life these days. Sitting with my thoughts, trying to sort out life and where to fucking go from here.
Daydreaming again and I am suddenly reviewing the most amazing last few days. Those are days I don’t mind reliving over and over again. Nothing extravagant, just time with someone I love. My phone vibrates and I see it’s my brother, I ignore his call. I’ve started about 17 blog posts and posted none, I need to do this tonight.
Moonlight at Huntington Park
I look around in the dark…I probably won’t go to sleep unless I venture to the Mysterious Beyond and delight myself with some Vegan Tobacco. I look around and I see my materials but I honestly don’t want to do anything right now. I have a quick flashback of when the slip and slide got the best of my babygirl and she hit her head. It was then that I ended Cousin Day 2021. I was standing in the front yard holding my daughter while she cried. She’s a pretty tough kid, so when she cries I am always right there to insert my shoulder, Mommie kisses, snacks and snuggles. I get up to travel across the house to sKID ROW (the s is silent) to check on her and her brother.
I get the urge to usher both my babies to my bed. Why sleep alone? At least if they are in my bed, it will force me to have to get up to work in the morning instead of laying in the bed and working from my laptop.
I clear my bed for my temporary guests…I need to lay down even if I just stare at the ceiling for the next few hours.
It’s been exactly three months to the day since my Mom left me on this Earth. It’s been very difficult to navigate. Often times I don’t feel there isn’t anyone that I can talk to who can truly relate.
I isolate myself quite a bit. I enjoy being home in my place of peace where I feel most protected. I’m cautious of who I let in because everyone doesn’t emit good positive energy.
Some days I can spend the entire day crying. Crying because I heard one of her favorite songs. Crying because I have no one to talk to, when my Mom was always a phone call away. Crying because I just genuinely miss her. It still doesn’t feel real. I still forget some days and call the facility to check on her. And some days I’m perfectly fine.
It’s hard no doubt. And this isn’t something I’d wish even on my worse enemy.
I try to spend a little more time outside these days in the sun because it makes me feel happy. When I begin to cry and I can’t stop, I go outside in my front yard, barefoot and I just stand or sit in the grass. Surely my neighbors think I’m nuts but I don’t care. Taking care of my mental is of upmost importance. And I don’t worry how others view me. (Lesson #999 From My Mom:
What they eat don’t make you shit Darling! Fuck how they feel about you!
-My Mom
In the three months she’s been gone a lot has been revealed to me. A lot has happened, some good and some bad. It forced me to put together my final arrangements for my own life. I spoke with my ex-husband to discuss how to handle our kids in my absence. Outside of him and my Brother, I don’t want anyone else having access to my children.
I learned that family and so called friends can be deceptive, conniving, deceitful, manipulative and controlling…but only if you allow them. I always thanked my Mom for how she raised me. And I still do every morning. I’m cut from a different cloth and that’s not to imply I’m better than anyone. It is to imply that I have values and morals that may not be like most. And one thing I don’t do is change how I treat people. I always operate out of a place of love. I always move cautiously to ensure I’m not harming anyone intentionally. I help those I can in ways that don’t interfere with taking care of me and mine. I listen, I give advice if I’m led to and overall I just try to be a good person. As abundantly blessed as I am, I am not stuck on how much or what I have in comparison to others. I’m content with being able to take care of me and my babies. I’m reserved and intuitive.
I now listen to my intuition more than I ever did. This was a rough month to endure but the lesson I learned is to be careful of who I let in my corner. Wolves dress in sheep’s clothing in all aspects of our life. And these wolves aren’t always strangers. I stay protected in all the ways (spiritually, physically and mentally) and stay in my peaceful bubble. I know I will have good and bad days but it’s always nice to look back on how far I’ve come. Time doesn’t heal our heart…only we do.
As lonely as it is here, I believe I can manage with all that you’ve taught me. Rest easy Mom, I got this.
I didn’t think I’d make it to the beach this weekend with the wicked forecast for rain. Saw my Baby Love yesterday and woke still too tired to get on the highway to head home.
Extended my stay, ran to Best Buy to get a laptop for work tomorrow and looked up at the sky…it wasn’t raining…I’m going to the beach!
Text Bae my plans. He told me to enjoy since he had to leave me this morning. I find a Tropical Smoothie enroute to the oceanfront to grab a Watermelon Mojito. Dinner was a little disappointing last night so I was playing it safe for brunch.
I made it to the beach, set up my little area, away from folks and damn you’d think I let off a smoke signal…
I look up and there’s a small arena of folks around me. I open my umbrella on my chair and turn up my music on my earbuds. Tone Stith sings, “you feel better than before…” He was referring to a more sensual matter but it resonated with me in life in general. At this moment in my life I feel better than I did before and that is big for me!
I lost my Mom, lost a cousin, went backwards in my divorce process delaying everything, let go and lost of a lot of people, things and situations in my life. I learned to really not stress about anything that doesn’t affect me directly. If it doesn’t take away from me or my kids I no longer worry about it. I keep in contact with those whose energy is positive and genuine and the rest I cordially speak when spoken to and not a moment before.
Reflecting on What I Learned About Myself…
I learned that I cannot expect everyone to treat friendship and relationships in the same manner that I do. I learned that I have to openly communicate my expectations and issues. Not to try to avoid conflict and let things build up until I explode. I learned a lot about myself good and bad. I can be very selfish although I love to give. Naturally I expect quite a bit of people and when they don’t perform in the manner I feel they should, I remove myself.
I never remove myself with ill intent or talk bad about the other person behind their back. I wish them well but accept we can’t have a relationship and I move on. I’m a real simple person. I just don’t/can’t tolerate a lot of BS. Or I should say, I hadn’t been able to in the past.
Recently I learned how to be patient…anyone who knows me, knows this is a weakness I possess. I am true to my fiery sign and I am was impatient as hell. And I mean with everyone and everything. I didn’t know how to control it or correct it. But I t’s amazing what you can do when you unplug from the world and learn yourself. Just observe, meditate and record…I am something else. And I can say that now and not be joking. Seriously. My shadow side is a bitch. And I slowly began to remember things I did in that space. I felt bad.
I vowed to do and be better because while we may reincarnate and live several lives, I want all of mine to be the best that they can be. Isn’t the part of truly living and enjoying this lifetime?
I learned to start my day with gratitude. I learned to give myself some grace. I learned to accept that I cannot do, be and know everything. I am human. And I’m just one human.
New Practice…New Way of Living…
I began this test of patience before I truly realized it. It started out rough. A week in and I was ready to give up and walk away. One dream changed my mind and woke me the fuck up. Stop running away from what I want because I have to wait a bit.
Everyday I remind myself to go with the flow. Don’t expect anything and just adjust accordingly. I have control issues. I want to fix things, people, situations, and when I can’t I don’t like it. I had to learn to release the need for control because it built a lot of walls in my life.
I wake now mostly happy to see another day so that I can experience life one more day. I try to laugh as much as possible. I established a cry zone in my bathtub. When I feel the urge to cry and I’m at home I have to do it here. I had to learn to allow myself to feel and go through emotions rather than suppress them and use other coping methods to get through. It’s a process…I’m still grieving and I now know that’s ok. Time doesn’t heal anything only we have the power to do that ourselves.
This weekend was much needed. I divided and conquered a couple of states, while also spending time with a couple special people. I was able to be a friend, give and receive some love, finish a book, start a new one, finally get a new laptop, GO TO THE BEACH, and just relax kid free.
One minor hiccup tried to throw a bend in my peacefulness but I plucked it right out of my field of view. It takes practice for a short tempered and impatient individual to make these changes and I’m very proud of myself. I’m sure you’re tired of reading that but if you knew me, you’d be happy too! This is the most love and growth I’ve seen in myself. I was not able to leave the beach without encountering someone who wanted to strike up a random conversation lol. In the elevator almost to my car, a lady commented on the fact that our nail polish was the same. That conversation led to how she misses her estranged daughter. It never fails!
In my mind, I’m a real life Olivia Pope. And not because I want to be but because I feel that’s my purpose in this lifetime. Not so much to fix people and situations but to be understanding to their issues, listen, give sound advice where I can and just be a friend in that moment. I’ve had total strangers tell me their life story. Cry about a situation their facing or ask me advice. These are people who do not know me and I don’t know them. And no matter how much I don’t want to be bothered. A little light inside me ignites and I listen. I be the friend they wish they had for that moment. And if my life’s purpose is just to be a positive momentary friend for those in need, I welcome it. I just have to learn how to unload their energy.
Through the craziness, I love it here in this moment. I love this new version of me…what I thought was a shit show of my life, has been a long life lesson and blessing in disguise. I woke up, pulled the dark curtains back and to my surprise the sun shines so bright and I am able to see that I learned to love me…all of ME! Embracing my new normal and new version of myself.
We are all here for a reason, with a purpose sis. You can’t help everybody but you can attempt help a few.
In My Unapologetic Life... 