It’s been exactly three months to the day since my Mom left me on this Earth. It’s been very difficult to navigate. Often times I don’t feel there isn’t anyone that I can talk to who can truly relate.
I isolate myself quite a bit. I enjoy being home in my place of peace where I feel most protected. I’m cautious of who I let in because everyone doesn’t emit good positive energy.
Some days I can spend the entire day crying. Crying because I heard one of her favorite songs. Crying because I have no one to talk to, when my Mom was always a phone call away. Crying because I just genuinely miss her. It still doesn’t feel real. I still forget some days and call the facility to check on her. And some days I’m perfectly fine.
It’s hard no doubt. And this isn’t something I’d wish even on my worse enemy.
I try to spend a little more time outside these days in the sun because it makes me feel happy. When I begin to cry and I can’t stop, I go outside in my front yard, barefoot and I just stand or sit in the grass. Surely my neighbors think I’m nuts but I don’t care. Taking care of my mental is of upmost importance. And I don’t worry how others view me. (Lesson #999 From My Mom:
What they eat don’t make you shit Darling! Fuck how they feel about you!
-My Mom
In the three months she’s been gone a lot has been revealed to me. A lot has happened, some good and some bad. It forced me to put together my final arrangements for my own life. I spoke with my ex-husband to discuss how to handle our kids in my absence. Outside of him and my Brother, I don’t want anyone else having access to my children.
I learned that family and so called friends can be deceptive, conniving, deceitful, manipulative and controlling…but only if you allow them. I always thanked my Mom for how she raised me. And I still do every morning. I’m cut from a different cloth and that’s not to imply I’m better than anyone. It is to imply that I have values and morals that may not be like most. And one thing I don’t do is change how I treat people. I always operate out of a place of love. I always move cautiously to ensure I’m not harming anyone intentionally. I help those I can in ways that don’t interfere with taking care of me and mine. I listen, I give advice if I’m led to and overall I just try to be a good person. As abundantly blessed as I am, I am not stuck on how much or what I have in comparison to others. I’m content with being able to take care of me and my babies. I’m reserved and intuitive.
I now listen to my intuition more than I ever did. This was a rough month to endure but the lesson I learned is to be careful of who I let in my corner. Wolves dress in sheep’s clothing in all aspects of our life. And these wolves aren’t always strangers. I stay protected in all the ways (spiritually, physically and mentally) and stay in my peaceful bubble. I know I will have good and bad days but it’s always nice to look back on how far I’ve come. Time doesn’t heal our heart…only we do.
As lonely as it is here, I believe I can manage with all that you’ve taught me. Rest easy Mom, I got this.
I didn’t think I’d make it to the beach this weekend with the wicked forecast for rain. Saw my Baby Love yesterday and woke still too tired to get on the highway to head home.
Extended my stay, ran to Best Buy to get a laptop for work tomorrow and looked up at the sky…it wasn’t raining…I’m going to the beach!
Text Bae my plans. He told me to enjoy since he had to leave me this morning. I find a Tropical Smoothie enroute to the oceanfront to grab a Watermelon Mojito. Dinner was a little disappointing last night so I was playing it safe for brunch.
I made it to the beach, set up my little area, away from folks and damn you’d think I let off a smoke signal…
I look up and there’s a small arena of folks around me. I open my umbrella on my chair and turn up my music on my earbuds. Tone Stith sings, “you feel better than before…” He was referring to a more sensual matter but it resonated with me in life in general. At this moment in my life I feel better than I did before and that is big for me!
I lost my Mom, lost a cousin, went backwards in my divorce process delaying everything, let go and lost of a lot of people, things and situations in my life. I learned to really not stress about anything that doesn’t affect me directly. If it doesn’t take away from me or my kids I no longer worry about it. I keep in contact with those whose energy is positive and genuine and the rest I cordially speak when spoken to and not a moment before.
Reflecting on What I Learned About Myself…
I learned that I cannot expect everyone to treat friendship and relationships in the same manner that I do. I learned that I have to openly communicate my expectations and issues. Not to try to avoid conflict and let things build up until I explode. I learned a lot about myself good and bad. I can be very selfish although I love to give. Naturally I expect quite a bit of people and when they don’t perform in the manner I feel they should, I remove myself.
I never remove myself with ill intent or talk bad about the other person behind their back. I wish them well but accept we can’t have a relationship and I move on. I’m a real simple person. I just don’t/can’t tolerate a lot of BS. Or I should say, I hadn’t been able to in the past.
Recently I learned how to be patient…anyone who knows me, knows this is a weakness I possess. I am true to my fiery sign and I am was impatient as hell. And I mean with everyone and everything. I didn’t know how to control it or correct it. But I t’s amazing what you can do when you unplug from the world and learn yourself. Just observe, meditate and record…I am something else. And I can say that now and not be joking. Seriously. My shadow side is a bitch. And I slowly began to remember things I did in that space. I felt bad.
I vowed to do and be better because while we may reincarnate and live several lives, I want all of mine to be the best that they can be. Isn’t the part of truly living and enjoying this lifetime?
I learned to start my day with gratitude. I learned to give myself some grace. I learned to accept that I cannot do, be and know everything. I am human. And I’m just one human.
New Practice…New Way of Living…
I began this test of patience before I truly realized it. It started out rough. A week in and I was ready to give up and walk away. One dream changed my mind and woke me the fuck up. Stop running away from what I want because I have to wait a bit.
Everyday I remind myself to go with the flow. Don’t expect anything and just adjust accordingly. I have control issues. I want to fix things, people, situations, and when I can’t I don’t like it. I had to learn to release the need for control because it built a lot of walls in my life.
I wake now mostly happy to see another day so that I can experience life one more day. I try to laugh as much as possible. I established a cry zone in my bathtub. When I feel the urge to cry and I’m at home I have to do it here. I had to learn to allow myself to feel and go through emotions rather than suppress them and use other coping methods to get through. It’s a process…I’m still grieving and I now know that’s ok. Time doesn’t heal anything only we have the power to do that ourselves.
This weekend was much needed. I divided and conquered a couple of states, while also spending time with a couple special people. I was able to be a friend, give and receive some love, finish a book, start a new one, finally get a new laptop, GO TO THE BEACH, and just relax kid free.
One minor hiccup tried to throw a bend in my peacefulness but I plucked it right out of my field of view. It takes practice for a short tempered and impatient individual to make these changes and I’m very proud of myself. I’m sure you’re tired of reading that but if you knew me, you’d be happy too! This is the most love and growth I’ve seen in myself. I was not able to leave the beach without encountering someone who wanted to strike up a random conversation lol. In the elevator almost to my car, a lady commented on the fact that our nail polish was the same. That conversation led to how she misses her estranged daughter. It never fails!
In my mind, I’m a real life Olivia Pope. And not because I want to be but because I feel that’s my purpose in this lifetime. Not so much to fix people and situations but to be understanding to their issues, listen, give sound advice where I can and just be a friend in that moment. I’ve had total strangers tell me their life story. Cry about a situation their facing or ask me advice. These are people who do not know me and I don’t know them. And no matter how much I don’t want to be bothered. A little light inside me ignites and I listen. I be the friend they wish they had for that moment. And if my life’s purpose is just to be a positive momentary friend for those in need, I welcome it. I just have to learn how to unload their energy.
Through the craziness, I love it here in this moment. I love this new version of me…what I thought was a shit show of my life, has been a long life lesson and blessing in disguise. I woke up, pulled the dark curtains back and to my surprise the sun shines so bright and I am able to see that I learned to love me…all of ME! Embracing my new normal and new version of myself.
We are all here for a reason, with a purpose sis. You can’t help everybody but you can attempt help a few.
Today I woke up feeling the best I’ve felt in a while. Trying to stay committed to this SOCANOMICS May challenge to get me back to a place where I feel functional.
I woke before my alarm and immediately checked my phone for my Good Morning text. It was there and all was well with the world today. He said Good Morning and told me he was feeling great and asked how I felt. I felt good today. Those days don’t happen often enough.
I get myself ready for Morning Meditation and Journaling. I wanted to meditate outside on the deck but I didn’t want to put on clothes. So I retreated to my office to meditate. Got my laptop and headed to my workspace. Lit my candle and sat down on my floor pillow to wait for Ms. PJae to start meditation. I saw Ms. Gloria & Susan join and I realized I don’t know these women but every morning we start our day together. And we attempt to spread the positivity from our meditation to everyone we encounter all day.
I knew I had my VA disability rating appointment. I was anxious because I didn’t know what to expect. I don’t like not knowing. I like to be prepared.
I completed my workout for the morning. Made me a cup of tea and tried out my honey straws. (They were pretty neat if I must say so.) I sat in on a new hire training for work. Then I realized I needed to get dressed and leave for my appointment.
I get in my car get my music together because I have an hour and a half ride to this appointment. Really DVA?? Ugh ok. I make my way.
When the therapist greets me she tells me what the appointment is for and what she will be doing. My heart dropped in my stomach and fell out of my ass.
I did not want to revisit my MST. I was raped not once but twice when I was in the military. The shit was terrible. It’s the reason why I don’t trust people in general. It’s why I am overly cautious about my daughter and who she is around. It made me move very differently in life. This was dumb. Why was I having to do this. I couldn’t reschedule or I’d risk not getting another appointment for a while or not getting my increase.
I struggled through all of her questions. My mask was drenched with snot from crying. My face was swollen, my eyes were red and I could not stop crying. And I wasn’t just crying. I was sobbing. Like loud. Making very apparent audible noises like I was struggling to breathe at times. This shit hurt. I hated talking about it. I try so hard to forget that entire part of my life. Yet here we were. Peeling the scab off of my rape wound.
Concerned for my safety because I just could not get myself together the Doctor asks me to sit a moment and not drive while I was crying. I paused for a moment and told her I was ok. I definitely was not. My legs felt like noodles, my heart was racing, I now had a headache from crying and my face was just sore.
I googled the nearest beach. Yes I have to work this evening but I am not going to make it anywhere like this. I had to release all of this shit so that I could go back to the mediocre shit I was encountering.
I drive a little ways on base to the beach. I usually avoid military bases for obvious reasons. Men in uniform. The military period. It makes my skin crawl. It’s the Good Boys Club. They protect their own. And by any means necessary. I hate it.
But I love the beach….
I dig my feet deep into the sand and I just stand. I breathe. Rooted where I find the most peace and not caring what anyone else on the beach thinks about me at the moment. Listening to the waves hit the shore. And I hear a voice…
“You gotta do something different.” I hear you tiny voice. I’m trying. I’m trying my hardest here…
It’s my response when I start grief counseling and I’m asked “How are you doing?” Go outside they say. Get some fresh air. It will do you good, help your mood. Pick up a new hobby. Spend time with your kids. You will need family and friends to get through this process. They say these things but real life, who does this? Or has successfully done this? We need to talk!
So you don’t think pre-grief that I didn’t do all those things. Do you think once you lose someone so close to you that you just roll over and pick up where you left off after they’re slowly descended into the ground forever?
Before my Mom passed away, I had a routine. A morning ritual. I called to check on her and talk to her. Tuesdays was my best day of the work week every week. Now I struggle to get out of bed. Most days I work directly from between the sheets. I don’t want to get up or get dressed. I don’t turn on my camera for meetings and I really don’t feel like speaking. That’s pretty hard for an IT person. But we are weird anyway so 🤷🏾♀️… I barely eat. I think my body is use to it so we may have to revert back to scheduled meals again. I’m tired from doing nothing. I’m mentally drained. I’m emotionally out of control and physically I mostly feel like shit but I say I’m ok with a smile.
I am my Mother’s child and this is why not having her is so hard for me. Sometimes thoughts runs through my head and I just want someone to talk to. Just to distract me and make me laugh or talk about something other than what has me consumed in thought and/or down. But generally everyone is busy throughout the course of the day. And so am I but I’m struggling in a major way. My Mom use to be that one person that would answer me and talk about nothing for hours. She would ask what was wrong and when I didn’t respond she knew it was deep enough that she would say something immediately to make me laugh. Like saying hold on I have to fart. Smh. She had no filter. And she always answered my call. She could be sleep and if I called she answered and she wouldn’t let me hang up. She’d talk to me because she sensed that I just needed someone. She knew and understood me. She was the truest friend you could ever have. Losing her was the worse thing to happen to me in this lifetime. I don’t ever want my children to endure this kind of heartache and pain.
So at a time like this, I’m grateful that I have learned to navigate and cope on my own. Whether the coping be healthy or unhealthy. I have to maintain my sanity at this point. So when you see me talking to myself. No I’m not crazy. I got tired of waiting for other people to talk to. And don’t read this and say well call them. Have you ever joined a chat for help and you were ‘next in queue’ for hours? That’s my life. Always waiting for someone to get back with me, make time for me or remember some shit they volunteered to do for me.
“Wait”…”Give me a minute” (the minute is still ticking I believe)…. “I will check on you later” (3 years from now)…”I forgot, I’m sorry”…Don’t even worry about it…I will figure it out.
So navigating life as a Motherless (and Fatherless) Adult Child, Week 3 Life Lesson that I remembered from my many conversations with Mom:
Don’t depend on man because he will fail you everytime.
-T. L. Moore
Drowning in sorrow, heartache and pain and I’m the only one that can save me.
In My Unapologetic Life... 