Tag: #loneliness
PTSD Awareness Day…the mind replays what the heart can’t delete…support those you love who are suffering…it means more than you will ever know.
Month Three
It’s been exactly three months to the day since my Mom left me on this Earth. It’s been very difficult to navigate. Often times I don’t feel there isn’t anyone that I can talk to who can truly relate.
I isolate myself quite a bit. I enjoy being home in my place of peace where I feel most protected. I’m cautious of who I let in because everyone doesn’t emit good positive energy.
Some days I can spend the entire day crying. Crying because I heard one of her favorite songs. Crying because I have no one to talk to, when my Mom was always a phone call away. Crying because I just genuinely miss her. It still doesn’t feel real. I still forget some days and call the facility to check on her. And some days I’m perfectly fine.
It’s hard no doubt. And this isn’t something I’d wish even on my worse enemy.
I try to spend a little more time outside these days in the sun because it makes me feel happy. When I begin to cry and I can’t stop, I go outside in my front yard, barefoot and I just stand or sit in the grass. Surely my neighbors think I’m nuts but I don’t care. Taking care of my mental is of upmost importance. And I don’t worry how others view me. (Lesson #999 From My Mom:
What they eat don’t make you shit Darling! Fuck how they feel about you!
-My Mom
In the three months she’s been gone a lot has been revealed to me. A lot has happened, some good and some bad. It forced me to put together my final arrangements for my own life. I spoke with my ex-husband to discuss how to handle our kids in my absence. Outside of him and my Brother, I don’t want anyone else having access to my children.
I learned that family and so called friends can be deceptive, conniving, deceitful, manipulative and controlling…but only if you allow them. I always thanked my Mom for how she raised me. And I still do every morning. I’m cut from a different cloth and that’s not to imply I’m better than anyone. It is to imply that I have values and morals that may not be like most. And one thing I don’t do is change how I treat people. I always operate out of a place of love. I always move cautiously to ensure I’m not harming anyone intentionally. I help those I can in ways that don’t interfere with taking care of me and mine. I listen, I give advice if I’m led to and overall I just try to be a good person. As abundantly blessed as I am, I am not stuck on how much or what I have in comparison to others. I’m content with being able to take care of me and my babies. I’m reserved and intuitive.
I now listen to my intuition more than I ever did. This was a rough month to endure but the lesson I learned is to be careful of who I let in my corner. Wolves dress in sheep’s clothing in all aspects of our life. And these wolves aren’t always strangers. I stay protected in all the ways (spiritually, physically and mentally) and stay in my peaceful bubble. I know I will have good and bad days but it’s always nice to look back on how far I’ve come. Time doesn’t heal our heart…only we do.
As lonely as it is here, I believe I can manage with all that you’ve taught me. Rest easy Mom, I got this.
-A Motherless Daughter
Your Journey…
Where Do I Go From Here?
People often times struggle with what to say to someone when they lose a loved one. I know because I’ve done it. You’re asked how are you out of concern and knowing that you’re hurting. But there’s also the thought that nothing said will make it better.
When I’m asked “how are you?”, I fight back tears. That little 3 word question releases so many memories at once that I’m mentally and emotionally overwhelmed. I normally will look away or at the ground to try and stop the tears. Sometimes it works most of the time it doesn’t.
Just know, it’s not your fault and I understand that you’re really only concerned and at a lost for words. There’s nothing to stop or dull this pain. Just know I’m not ok. And I’m told that it’s ok to not be ok.
I thank everyone for all for the kind words, phone calls, text messages, food, prayers and love. This has been very hard and I’m sure this is only the beginning. I’m praying for peace and comfort, healing of not only the hearts of my brother and I , but also the hearts of all of my family. ❤️
Corners
The Darkness
And at some point,
Everything needs to be left alone
á
even your past, even your pain
I’m awaken at 2am by my cell. It can only be one of two people calling and before I lift my phone, I already know which one it is… “Hello, sorry to wake you, this is Lisa, Nurse from…” 🤦🏾♀️ My heart sinks into my chest a little further as I listen, sleepily but awake. I hang up, let my phone slide out of my hand and I close my eyes to pray. This is routine. And I hate it. I hate these phone calls. I hate getting these phone calls and being alone. After I pray, my thoughts wander into those dark corners of my mind.
I try to wake up everyday thankful for the ability to see another day regardless of how I think and feel the day is going to go. This is like a ritual for me… No matter how fucked up my life is, I try to be thankful anyways for the good things…my kids and one more day above ground with them.
Lately I’ve felt like utter shit. Physically, emotionally and mentally. I’ve lost 30lbs, I can’t eat or sleep and I feel like I’m bothering everyone around me so I crawl into my shell to protect me from everything and everyone. Daily I crawl out of bed, walk upstairs to work, crawl back in bed when I’m done. Rinse, spin, repeat. I can’t pinpoint exactly what has me in such a dark place but I think it’s a combination of all my life stress, feeling alone and the holidays. I feel like shit…
I had never been one to contemplate suicide. I lost close family and friends to suicide and I’ve always wondered why they felt compelled to take their own life. Until the day I felt the urge to do the same. I tried to end it all. I chased hydrocodones with liquor and I smoked. I put on the cutest outfit and I laid on my bed. My kids weren’t home and I was more alone than ever. Not one text, not one phone call. Everyone was busy enjoying family and the company of others and I was just here. Why? Why should I continue to want to be here? For my kids? They have more than one parent and for some reason everyone seems to think I’m the better suited parent while their Father floats in and out of their life when it’s convenient for him. I’m tired. No one knows my pain. No one knows the shit I’ve been through in life. No one understands why I try my hardest to make everyone else smile.
I felt myself drifting away and so I cried silently. I didn’t want to wake up. I wanted it to all be over, so that I was completely alone and away from everyone and everything. I’ll never be loved, I will never truly be happy, everyday presents a new problem for me and I’m just here unhappy and occupying space. No father, essentially no mother…just me.
The music woke me up. Surely this wasn’t the elevator music on the way to Hell…I rolled over and cried at my failed attempt. And I cried until my face hurt and I could no longer breathe out of my nose. I yelled in my pillow. And then I rolled over and stared at the ceiling. I’m a real fucked up individual…and I’m tired. There is so much hurt and pain inside me and I just want it to go away…
I don’t think I left the bed at all. And the bed has been my safe space. Even though I’m alone, I can bury myself in here. I can cry, kick and scream. I never wanted to be “that girl” and I said I’d never be that girl but here I am. 🤷🏾♀️
Depression is lonely and frustrating and mostly just fucking exhausting.
Midnight Thoughts
In My Unapologetic Life... 