Tag: #grief

Month Four

Here I am, 4 months after your transition…

Still not easier…in fact, it’s harder than last month.

I temporarily lost access to my best friend. The love of my life. The other half of my soul.

I reflect on how I wish you were able to meet him. He’s really a great guy. I can only imagine the conversations that you two would have had. Oh my goodness. You’d talk for hours. He’s the one that would have a beer with you. I even think, he would of been the one that could sweet talk you out of the house on a trip with us.

There is still so much I want to pick up the phone and talk to you about. My feelings, what’s going on, and get your advice, hear you sing or make a joke about anything and everything.

Your picture scrolled across my TV when it went to sleep yesterday. I looked at it and smiled. It was Brother’s going away party. You were standing next to him with his friends. I remember that day like it was yesterday. You were tired that day and you didn’t feel well but you made your way to his party. The party that I orchestrated. You were ready to go before it got dark so that you were at home. It was super hot outside and for a moment I had to make you come inside. You were sweating profusely and just didn’t want to be around “family”. Oh I understand now. Hell I don’t want to be around them now myself.

I sometimes find myself mad that I didn’t understand things that you told me growing up. And then I think maybe back then those weren’t things that I needed to understand. But now I have so many questions. I can hear you now. “Just shut up talking and listen! You ask so many damn questions. Inquisitive Ivy…” LOL. I loved it. You may have been one of few people who walked this earth who can make me hush.

There are days where I really forget that you are truly gone. And when I remember it hurts like it’s Day One all over again. I restart the stages of grief at least a few times a week. But it is ok. My new grief counselor says it’s normal. You never get over it. You learn to live with it…now that sounds better than time heals all wounds.

Well Fuck You Too, Life…

After the storm, there’s another storm, and another storm and another…where is the sun?

I’m generally very optimistic. But today I just question so much. I feel hopeless, helpless and lonely.

Like why are we here? What is our purpose? Because I swear I think I’m a Heartbreak Test Dummy. Life takes every heartbreaking situation and places it in my life. And no matter what options I choose in the situation, the end result is always some form of heartbreak.

I am tired and it’s official…I hate it here. If at any moment “the folks” want to repopulate another planet, I am voluntarily signing up. Anywhere has to be better than here.

This shit is going to take a while. I feel me retreating to my bubble. Not leaving home. Staying away from people. Wasn’t I just here in April??? Damn.

So life…there’s only 5 more months left in the year, so what other ways are you planning to break me down? First my Mom, then my Baby and now this…I am not this strong person that people keep saying I am. I fragile as fuck. I am on the brink of losing my last little bit of sanity. I try so hard to hold it together for my kids. Because I couldn’t care less what anyone else thinks.

Today was close to March 26th, 2021. And it doesn’t surprise me that it happened mere days before the 4 month anniversary of my Mom’s passing.

If I could live in bed. I swear to Gawd I would…for two and a half years.

Rip Van Winkle me somebody…anybody… Hell where is the damn apple that Snow White ate that put her ass to sleep for a while? Let me order 2 of those…I need to sleep sleep.

Check out some of my previous blog posts:

Month Three

It’s been exactly three months to the day since my Mom left me on this Earth. It’s been very difficult to navigate. Often times I don’t feel there isn’t anyone that I can talk to who can truly relate.

I isolate myself quite a bit. I enjoy being home in my place of peace where I feel most protected. I’m cautious of who I let in because everyone doesn’t emit good positive energy.

Some days I can spend the entire day crying. Crying because I heard one of her favorite songs. Crying because I have no one to talk to, when my Mom was always a phone call away. Crying because I just genuinely miss her. It still doesn’t feel real. I still forget some days and call the facility to check on her. And some days I’m perfectly fine.

It’s hard no doubt. And this isn’t something I’d wish even on my worse enemy.

I try to spend a little more time outside these days in the sun because it makes me feel happy. When I begin to cry and I can’t stop, I go outside in my front yard, barefoot and I just stand or sit in the grass. Surely my neighbors think I’m nuts but I don’t care. Taking care of my mental is of upmost importance. And I don’t worry how others view me. (Lesson #999 From My Mom:

What they eat don’t make you shit Darling! Fuck how they feel about you!

-My Mom

In the three months she’s been gone a lot has been revealed to me. A lot has happened, some good and some bad. It forced me to put together my final arrangements for my own life. I spoke with my ex-husband to discuss how to handle our kids in my absence. Outside of him and my Brother, I don’t want anyone else having access to my children.

I learned that family and so called friends can be deceptive, conniving, deceitful, manipulative and controlling…but only if you allow them. I always thanked my Mom for how she raised me. And I still do every morning. I’m cut from a different cloth and that’s not to imply I’m better than anyone. It is to imply that I have values and morals that may not be like most. And one thing I don’t do is change how I treat people. I always operate out of a place of love. I always move cautiously to ensure I’m not harming anyone intentionally. I help those I can in ways that don’t interfere with taking care of me and mine. I listen, I give advice if I’m led to and overall I just try to be a good person. As abundantly blessed as I am, I am not stuck on how much or what I have in comparison to others. I’m content with being able to take care of me and my babies. I’m reserved and intuitive.

I now listen to my intuition more than I ever did. This was a rough month to endure but the lesson I learned is to be careful of who I let in my corner. Wolves dress in sheep’s clothing in all aspects of our life. And these wolves aren’t always strangers. I stay protected in all the ways (spiritually, physically and mentally) and stay in my peaceful bubble. I know I will have good and bad days but it’s always nice to look back on how far I’ve come. Time doesn’t heal our heart…only we do.

As lonely as it is here, I believe I can manage with all that you’ve taught me. Rest easy Mom, I got this.

-A Motherless Daughter

Getting Grounded

Today I woke up feeling the best I’ve felt in a while. Trying to stay committed to this SOCANOMICS May challenge to get me back to a place where I feel functional.

I woke before my alarm and immediately checked my phone for my Good Morning text. It was there and all was well with the world today. He said Good Morning and told me he was feeling great and asked how I felt. I felt good today. Those days don’t happen often enough.

I get myself ready for Morning Meditation and Journaling. I wanted to meditate outside on the deck but I didn’t want to put on clothes. So I retreated to my office to meditate. Got my laptop and headed to my workspace. Lit my candle and sat down on my floor pillow to wait for Ms. PJae to start meditation. I saw Ms. Gloria & Susan join and I realized I don’t know these women but every morning we start our day together. And we attempt to spread the positivity from our meditation to everyone we encounter all day.

I knew I had my VA disability rating appointment. I was anxious because I didn’t know what to expect. I don’t like not knowing. I like to be prepared.

I completed my workout for the morning. Made me a cup of tea and tried out my honey straws. (They were pretty neat if I must say so.) I sat in on a new hire training for work. Then I realized I needed to get dressed and leave for my appointment.

I get in my car get my music together because I have an hour and a half ride to this appointment. Really DVA?? Ugh ok. I make my way.

When the therapist greets me she tells me what the appointment is for and what she will be doing. My heart dropped in my stomach and fell out of my ass.

I did not want to revisit my MST. I was raped not once but twice when I was in the military. The shit was terrible. It’s the reason why I don’t trust people in general. It’s why I am overly cautious about my daughter and who she is around. It made me move very differently in life. This was dumb. Why was I having to do this. I couldn’t reschedule or I’d risk not getting another appointment for a while or not getting my increase.

I struggled through all of her questions. My mask was drenched with snot from crying. My face was swollen, my eyes were red and I could not stop crying. And I wasn’t just crying. I was sobbing. Like loud. Making very apparent audible noises like I was struggling to breathe at times. This shit hurt. I hated talking about it. I try so hard to forget that entire part of my life. Yet here we were. Peeling the scab off of my rape wound.

Concerned for my safety because I just could not get myself together the Doctor asks me to sit a moment and not drive while I was crying. I paused for a moment and told her I was ok. I definitely was not. My legs felt like noodles, my heart was racing, I now had a headache from crying and my face was just sore.

I googled the nearest beach. Yes I have to work this evening but I am not going to make it anywhere like this. I had to release all of this shit so that I could go back to the mediocre shit I was encountering.

I drive a little ways on base to the beach. I usually avoid military bases for obvious reasons. Men in uniform. The military period. It makes my skin crawl. It’s the Good Boys Club. They protect their own. And by any means necessary. I hate it.

But I love the beach….

I dig my feet deep into the sand and I just stand. I breathe. Rooted where I find the most peace and not caring what anyone else on the beach thinks about me at the moment. Listening to the waves hit the shore. And I hear a voice…

“You gotta do something different.” I hear you tiny voice. I’m trying. I’m trying my hardest here…