Tag: #peace

Merely Existing

When I woke this morning as usual I thanked those that had a hand in waking me up. I thanked them for all that I have and all that I’m to receive. This is normally how I start my day before I fall out of my bed. I don’t have to move, I just lay or sit in silence and give gratitude for the good things, the bad things, all things…because they all have a purpose.

Afterwards, I rolled over on my back and stared at the ceiling. The thought that came across my mind was, “I am just exisitng these days…what happened?” I have no true schedule, no routine. My life is like a Christmas snowglobe that someone curiously picked up off a shelf and shook the fuck out of. There’s shit everywhere (figuratively of course, because I’m a little OCD), everything is out of place, and there is no order. Chaos. Things are so shaken up that you can’t tell what use to be where.

I’m in the process of trying to sort it all out. I’m taking some time to myself. Not that this is out of the norm but right now I have to find me. Like really find me. Somewhere between December 2020 and April 2021, I lost the person I once knew. And I joke that I’ve sustained quite a few head injuries in the past year so my memory is not the greatest because of that. But I’m so serious.

Today after lots of reflection, I made the conscious decision to live and to find a way to do so everyday when I wake. Because when you just merely exist you tend to fade away, you miss out on the joy and peace that this lifetime has to offer. My intention is never to fade away but to live in the moment, spread love and genuinely be happy. (I promise I was a hippie in one of my past lives) I don’t think I can do any of those things by merely existing. And there are no memories in just existing.

After sitting with myself most of the day I answered myself… I don’t need a routine. I just need to live…

I have to stop trying to control every aspect of life with a schedule or a routine. And instead, go with the flow.

And then I asked myself how do i began…

Awakened by Jeanette Collins

Be kind, keep quiet and don’t look for the company of those who gossip or talk too much. Even if you’re feeling lonely. Better you stay alone.

Check out some of my other posts:

“Back to Nature”: Whenever life throws me a curve ball, I turn to Nature to release the pain

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“Back to Nature”: Whenever life throws me a curve ball, I turn to Nature to release the pain

Finding the Sunlight

Sunflowers follow the sun…

But did you know, when it is cloudy and gray, they face each other and share their

ENERGY

That’s all I’m in need of in life at this point in time. Someone genuine to chase the sun with me and share his energy with me and I with him on our cloudy days…but it seems to be so far out of reach.

Month Three

It’s been exactly three months to the day since my Mom left me on this Earth. It’s been very difficult to navigate. Often times I don’t feel there isn’t anyone that I can talk to who can truly relate.

I isolate myself quite a bit. I enjoy being home in my place of peace where I feel most protected. I’m cautious of who I let in because everyone doesn’t emit good positive energy.

Some days I can spend the entire day crying. Crying because I heard one of her favorite songs. Crying because I have no one to talk to, when my Mom was always a phone call away. Crying because I just genuinely miss her. It still doesn’t feel real. I still forget some days and call the facility to check on her. And some days I’m perfectly fine.

It’s hard no doubt. And this isn’t something I’d wish even on my worse enemy.

I try to spend a little more time outside these days in the sun because it makes me feel happy. When I begin to cry and I can’t stop, I go outside in my front yard, barefoot and I just stand or sit in the grass. Surely my neighbors think I’m nuts but I don’t care. Taking care of my mental is of upmost importance. And I don’t worry how others view me. (Lesson #999 From My Mom:

What they eat don’t make you shit Darling! Fuck how they feel about you!

-My Mom

In the three months she’s been gone a lot has been revealed to me. A lot has happened, some good and some bad. It forced me to put together my final arrangements for my own life. I spoke with my ex-husband to discuss how to handle our kids in my absence. Outside of him and my Brother, I don’t want anyone else having access to my children.

I learned that family and so called friends can be deceptive, conniving, deceitful, manipulative and controlling…but only if you allow them. I always thanked my Mom for how she raised me. And I still do every morning. I’m cut from a different cloth and that’s not to imply I’m better than anyone. It is to imply that I have values and morals that may not be like most. And one thing I don’t do is change how I treat people. I always operate out of a place of love. I always move cautiously to ensure I’m not harming anyone intentionally. I help those I can in ways that don’t interfere with taking care of me and mine. I listen, I give advice if I’m led to and overall I just try to be a good person. As abundantly blessed as I am, I am not stuck on how much or what I have in comparison to others. I’m content with being able to take care of me and my babies. I’m reserved and intuitive.

I now listen to my intuition more than I ever did. This was a rough month to endure but the lesson I learned is to be careful of who I let in my corner. Wolves dress in sheep’s clothing in all aspects of our life. And these wolves aren’t always strangers. I stay protected in all the ways (spiritually, physically and mentally) and stay in my peaceful bubble. I know I will have good and bad days but it’s always nice to look back on how far I’ve come. Time doesn’t heal our heart…only we do.

As lonely as it is here, I believe I can manage with all that you’ve taught me. Rest easy Mom, I got this.

-A Motherless Daughter