Every month it’s almost as if I forget that this day exists. That is until I completely wake up from the dream of March 26, 2021.
I should have remembered today because today is the due date for my state license renewal. I can hear you clearly saying “Don’t you fuck up what you got going on for me!” I open my eyes, just to make note of where I am…this day is usually just terribly painful. Tears start to roll down my face as I see your face on the throw on my resting chair across the room. It’s not a bad dream…it’s just my reality.
The day is September 26, 2021 and it’s been 6 months today…they say this gets easier huh??? It absolutely does not. Every month I’m alone on this day. And now it almost seems purposefully so.
In my head, I tell myself I need to be outside. I imagine the Sunday’s we spent on the deck with the music playing and you drinking your hot beer…eww…that’s not something I can indulge in as a memory but I think I can handle the rest. I want to be in the backyard today, with some drinks and music. Maybe plant some flowers and lay in the hammock.
I try to continue with my morning “routine” but it’s not working. I look for my phone because I don’t know what time it is. It’s dead. I guess, I fell asleep before putting it on the charger again. A “Good Morning Queen…” text warms my body a little. Neither of us appear to be having a really good morning. I hate this…
I get my fur son and head outside…maybe it will make me feel better. Joint between my fingers and lighter in my hand, I sit in my hammock and just exist for a moment. I really hate it here…I hate this part of life…the inevitable part that can’t be controlled…it hurts and there seems to be nothing to dull the pain. Who am I kidding??? I can’t do anything today…
I want some ink. I want to pierce something. I just need a little physical pain inflicted to relieve the emotional torture behind my fake smile and laughter. I sit on my bed and memories of when I use to write poems and put on a show in the living room for my Mom flood my mind. It was interesting being an only child for a while. We did weird things like this to past time and forget everything that was going on around us. I guess most would call that bonding. My Mom would play jazz quietly in the background. I’d use the floor lamp as my mic stand. I’d dress up and get in my element. She seldom encouraged my imaginative play so whenever she did, I made sure to make was a showstopper.
As an avid fan of poetry and music, a true nerd, I opted to end this blog post with a short short story. If you’re not familiar, read on…
It is said that the author Ernest Hemingway while out to lunch one day, bet a table full of fellow writers that he could write a short story in just 6 words. Although his fellow writers had their doubts, they each wagered $10 to put Hemingway to the test. As the story goes, Hemingway believed the resulting story to be his finest work ever. You can read it here.
In the footsteps of a legend, today I share my 6 word short short story…always and forever in my heart Mother…
Today I’m doing something I never thought I’d have to do. And normally I’d let this go…I wouldn’t trip but it is affecting my tomorrow…and I had to sit and think about my next steps.
I’m an avid procrastinator and I put off what I can do right now to do later merely out of convenience or just refusal to complete the task.
Am I going to continue to let this affect my life negatively? What can I do to change the situation? What will bring me peace? I ask myself all these questions sitting in silence.
This entire situation is unreal. It sounds like a fucked up Lifetime movie up when it’s spoken aloud. But it is my life currently. And the saying is when you can’t control a situation, control your attitude towards it and/or how you respond to it.
Well friends, I’m tired. I know, I know. I say it a lot. But with this I think anyone who knows the situation can agree I’m tired. I’ve been through the most. I’ve dealt with the most. I’ve turned every cheek. I’ve tried to remain cordial and respectful and now that my patience has worn out and my peace has been disrupted, I have to do something different.
Even though I’ve been 100% transparent and honest, we approached the same impasse that we were at before over a year ago. Nothing has changed. Until this week. I changed…
Until I close this chapter, it’s impossible for me to start another no matter how much I think I can. Taking things to a legal level is not how I normally operate but drastic times calls for drastic measures. I don’t communicate threats because I know first hand how they can come back to bite you in your ass. But I’m just ready to start fresh somewhere else with the one I love.
Taking this route is my way of no longer “talking” about what I’m going to do or what I want to happen. Instead I have to take the necessary steps to get me where I want to be.
Breaking generational curses…I’m all for that. I don’t think I was placed here to be like follow anyone else. It’s time I move mountains to get to my peace…and hope that my peace is also moving mountains to meet me halfway.
Strutting in this courthouse sporting nothing but honesty, a little fatigue and a smile on my face. I can’t allow this situation to dull my sparkle or deter me from my dreams. We have a plan…and I’m down to stick to it…
For once I didn’t put off today what I could do tomorrow for one more person who doesn’t give a shit about me. I choose me today…I choose my happiness…I choose my peace…I choose healthy and loving parenting…I choose not being the norm…I choose my Baby Love…
Whatever it takes is my mindset now…I need my peace back…
It’s 5pm. And I’m excited. I’m not sure why, this guy never does what he says he is going to do. But I want nothing more than to be around him. This guy is my Father. I’m 9 years old. I’ve testified in court and now my Mom is sitting across from me crying because I am being made by a court order, to go stay with my Father, his wife and children. In our house, it’s just me and my Mother. She feels like her everything is being taken away from her. She silently sobs and picks at her jeans.
I stare out the front door of our house watching the tree limbs sway back and forth when the wind blows. I begin to wonder why is my Mother so sad? Why is she crying? He is my Father. I have no idea what my Mother goes through behind closed doors. I’m just a kid. And I just want my Father…I want him to want me.
I move from the chair to the floor in front of the stereo. The sun is going down and I ask my Mom if I can play some music while I wait. She motions for me to go ahead. I’m playing music for her, not for me. I can physically feel how sad she is. My chest feels heavy and I want to cry every time I look at her. She is so sad. As bad as I want to go with my Father, I do not want to leave my Mother like this.
I find Kenny G’s Breathless cd in the organized shelf of cd’s. I pop it in and I forward to track 9, “Even If My Heart Would Break”. She and I have listened to this song on her good days. She would grab my hand and dance with me around the living room. After it starts to play, I walk to her and I extend my hand. I begin to sing terribly “I’ve been around this world, I’ve been a lot of places…” At this point, I’ve forgotten about my Father. I’m more worried about my Mother and right now I want nothing more than for her to smile. Just so she can have a moment where she isn’t crying. If she feels how I am feeling, then I know she is truly hurting even if I don’t understand why.
She looks up at me and place her arms on the arms of the chair. With her head tilted slightly she asks, “child where have you been? Talking about you been around the world“…she chuckles, grabs my hand and rises from the chair to dance with me. We sing and we dance and we fall in the floor. After our dance, we cook and I fell asleep on her bed looking at clothes in her Spiegel catalog. We were ordering clothes to take pictures for Labor Day. She would pick my outfit and I’d pick hers. (Real Best Friend Shit)
My Father never came. This was nothing new. He always sold me the most elaborate dreams to never cash in on them. And when he saw me, I’d get the brush off and he’d tell me another lie or make another empty promise.
It’s been 5 months and this morning, I dreamt that exact day all over again. And I’m not really sure why. What I do know is that I held my Mother a little longer and I danced with her like I’d never dance with her again, because it felt so real.
I don’t share a lot about me or my childhood with anyone. And there is so much that I have buried. In therapy yesterday I was told that in order to heal and move to a more positive place in life, I have to address these things. They happened. I can’t change it but I can’t heal myself holding on to anger, regret, and resentment. So today, I accept the fact that this healing is one that will never end. The pain won’t ever go away and time won’t heal anything. I will always cry. The 26th will always be a sad day. My birthday will never be the same. A lot changed. And I have to change too…
Today I’m accepting that I have to let things from my past go, really make peace with them and release it. I accept that I have to let someone in or I’m going to drown myself in regret and sadness.
“Be YOU. And be good at it. Because there is not another YOU in this world.”
I’m the weird person who has a song associated to every major or memorable life event. Happy or sad occasion, I have a song that will take me right back to that specific day and time as if time hasn’t lapsed.
Currently it’s Good Days by SZA. Until this particular day, I had never truly listened to this song…I had just done one of the last things I ever wanted to do in life alone. Physically alone, because Brother was on the phone.
I was making my Mother’s final arrangements while she was still alive…
The hospice nurse thought that it would be easier to handle before rather than during this transition. I cannot tell you how much I tried to prepare myself for this. I couldn’t. My heart raced. I was fucking scared. I screamed. I was fucking angry. I threw shit, I banged shit and I broke shit. I just wanted to end the entire world. I didn’t give a fuck about anything or anyone at this point. I have never been here and I was completely ALONE. I am nearing the point where I have to tell my Mother, Goodbye. Goodbye. The word we did not say. See You later was our term. Goodbye was FOREVER. This felt like someone stabbing me in my chest and turning the knife counterclockwise. Over and over again, while I just sat and endured the pain. Digging deeper and deeper past my physical body and deep into my soul. My muthafuckin SOUL was aching!!! Do you understand what kind of pain that is???
After I sit in the car and give myself multiple pep talks, I walk inside. I’ve called because I don’t want to do too much talking. I’m 100% sure I’m going to fucking cry. I sit, shake and fiddle endlessly inside the funeral home. I still cannot make sense of me choosing a casket and vault for my Mother who is very much alive. I have not made peace with her transitioning soon. I don’t want this to be true. This woman…was not just my Mother…she was the truest of my true friends. She was my everything. I sat quietly with my Brother on FaceTime. I am sure to refer to her in the present because she is very much alive.
This is just planning. “Girl you are just planning, this does not mean anything.Get it together!”, I tell myself over and over again. I’ve been here before. But this time is different. THIS IS MY MOTHER!
I remember countless random conversations that we had about end of life. Things she said she wanted and things she absolutely did not want. Her biggest hell no was being put on display. We shared the same sentiment in this regard. I am just me. She was just she. She didn’t think she was pretty and neither do me. (That was our rhyme…❤️) We we just we. No label. In competition with no one. But one thing was for certain. We did not want people looking/staring at us. It’s funny because as I sat there at the table with the Funeral Director, I laughed. My Mom was truly a nut. Always being silly. (I’m sure that’s where I got it from) If someone stared at her a moment too long, she’d stick out her tongue. Smh. A grown woman. She was she, as I said. There was no one else like her and she didn’t give a shit. I loved that about her. She didn’t care what anybody thought. Her life was her own and she made of it what she wanted. No one else mattered. Except me and Tonka Truck Head lol. That was one thing that she always taught me. She’d say, “You are magical girl. There’s no one like you. Never let anyone dull your sparkle. And you better not come down off your thrown for no woman or man. I create nothing but greatness!” Once I got older I’d laugh at her speech. I thought it was funny…magical…ok Mom… (P.S. I’m a mermaid 🙄)
“No cars, no church. Private graveside service. I’ve already purchased the plot. Short, simple and sweet. No wake/viewing. No newspaper announcement. Immediate family viewing only after My Brother & I’s approval. I will write the obituary and complete the program. I’d like to assist with the design of the programs.”..I word vomited it all while tapping my foot and staring at the clock on the wall. All I could think was I have to wrap this up and get back to Best Friend. She is probably wondering what is taking me so long. She hated when I said I’d be right back and it was hours later. Say what you mean and mean what you say…that was her motto. And she stuck by it and tried to hold everyone else to it too.
I asked Brother if I covered it all, he agreed and I hurry the hell out of there. When I step outside and the sun hit me, I dropped my mask and take the deepest breath I could. My chest feels like ten elephants are sitting on top of me. I get in the car, hang up with Brother and head back to Best Friend. I get this strong feeling that she need me. She swears we were telepathic. I always played along. But foreal though…Mom I’m coming was what I was subconciously thinking just in case this shit was true. At this point, I believe in genies, fairies, vampires, zombies, heaven & hell, angels, Iron Man, WonderWoman, shit Donkey Kong. I reverted to an entire child again wanting nothing more than my Mother. If you don’t know how that feels, well I can’t make you. Believe me I don’t ever want to be there again.
I run not one but two red lights. I don’t even care. Mail me a ticket. I gotta get across town. I get a text from my aunt. Come on back now. I’m on the way Auntie…as fast as I can promise me. I reach the light not even a half a mile from her…
I sit and wait for it to turn green….I hear SZA and I sit and stare beyond what’s in front of me to listen,
Good day in my mind, safe to take a step out
Get some air now, let your edge out
Too soon, I spoke, you be heavy in my mind
Can you get the heck out?
I need rest now…
Good Days by SZA
The song is interrupted when my phone rings…I look down and it’s the hospice nurse. My body instantly turns into an ice block, my heart seems to stop and I feel like every piece of hair I have on me is standing straight up. She asks me if anyone had called me. I hesitate to reply. I am approaching the stop sign to turn into the facility parking lot. I’ve never really been scared like this in my life. I didn’t want to hear anything she had to say other than my Mother was speaking or something positive. She says, I’m sorry Hun, your Mother passed away about 10 minutes ago…..she continues to talk and I hear absolute. nothing.
I can’t tell you what happened. I just remember being in the hallway sliding down the wall to avoid hitting the floor. The nurse walks me to her side because I’m adamant that I see her. I enter her room and I’m met with my Mother, who looks like she’s sleeping.
The little girl inside me is kicking, screaming and yelling. Her Mother is gone. On the exterior, all I can do is silently cry and hold her hand….my Best Friend is gone. What in the entire fuck!!!
What part of the game of Life is this???
My Mother was a huge lover of all music. It is why I use music to get through so much in life. It why it is always playing around me. It’s not surprising that of all songs to play, this one was playing when I was told she had transitioned. Right down to the words…she was heavy on my mind and heart before I got the call. And just the mere title of the song confirms for me that she was ok…and that she didn’t want me to be sad. It was a Good Day. She was no longer suffering, no longer depending on someone else to care for her when we know that she hated it.
So, this song lyrics loop through my head several times a day right now. It triggers so much for me. Sometimes I hear it and I can smile, knowing that we had some good damn days. And other times I can hear it and cry, knowing that this was the song that I was listening to when I was told that she’d left me.
It costs absolutely nothing to be nice to somone. You never know what type of demons they are fighting. You could be, do or say the one positive thing they need at the moment to get them through.
Still not easier…in fact, it’s harder than last month.
I temporarily lost access to my best friend. The love of my life. The other half of my soul.
I reflect on how I wish you were able to meet him. He’s really a great guy. I can only imagine the conversations that you two would have had. Oh my goodness. You’d talk for hours. He’s the one that would have a beer with you. I even think, he would of been the one that could sweet talk you out of the house on a trip with us.
There is still so much I want to pick up the phone and talk to you about. My feelings, what’s going on, and get your advice, hear you sing or make a joke about anything and everything.
Your picture scrolled across my TV when it went to sleep yesterday. I looked at it and smiled. It was Brother’s going away party. You were standing next to him with his friends. I remember that day like it was yesterday. You were tired that day and you didn’t feel well but you made your way to his party. The party that I orchestrated. You were ready to go before it got dark so that you were at home. It was super hot outside and for a moment I had to make you come inside. You were sweating profusely and just didn’t want to be around “family”. Oh I understand now. Hell I don’t want to be around them now myself.
I sometimes find myself mad that I didn’t understand things that you told me growing up. And then I think maybe back then those weren’t things that I needed to understand. But now I have so many questions. I can hear you now. “Just shut up talking and listen! You ask so many damn questions. Inquisitive Ivy…” LOL. I loved it. You may have been one of few people who walked this earth who can make me hush.
There are days where I really forget that you are truly gone. And when I remember it hurts like it’s Day One all over again. I restart the stages of grief at least a few times a week. But it is ok. My new grief counselor says it’s normal. You never get over it. You learn to live with it…now that sounds better than time heals all wounds.
After the storm, there’s another storm, and another storm and another…where is the sun?
I’m generally very optimistic. But today I just question so much. I feel hopeless, helpless and lonely.
Like why are we here? What is our purpose? Because I swear I think I’m a Heartbreak Test Dummy. Life takes every heartbreaking situation and places it in my life. And no matter what options I choose in the situation, the end result is always some form of heartbreak.
I am tired and it’s official…I hate it here. If at any moment “the folks” want to repopulate another planet, I am voluntarily signing up. Anywhere has to be better than here.
This shit is going to take a while. I feel me retreating to my bubble. Not leaving home. Staying away from people. Wasn’t I just here in April??? Damn.
So life…there’s only 5 more months left in the year, so what other ways are you planning to break me down? First my Mom, then my Baby and now this…I am not this strong person that people keep saying I am. I fragile as fuck. I am on the brink of losing my last little bit of sanity. I try so hard to hold it together for my kids. Because I couldn’t care less what anyone else thinks.
Today was close to March 26th, 2021. And it doesn’t surprise me that it happened mere days before the 4 month anniversary of my Mom’s passing.
If I could live in bed. I swear to Gawd I would…for two and a half years.
Rip Van Winkle me somebody…anybody… Hell where is the damn apple that Snow White ate that put her ass to sleep for a while? Let me order 2 of those…I need to sleep sleep.
In My Unapologetic Life... 